Somewhen and somewhere in New York
by Kerschi-Puky
Summary: Sandy and Kirsten are both single parents. They both have to deal with their past and their teenage boys who aren't happy teenagers at all. IMPORTANT Epilogue totally REVISED!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **With this story I tried something new. Let me know what you think. Maybe someone is interested in even betaing this story? I'd be very grateful if someone was. Enjoy=)

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><p><strong>Chapter 1:<strong>

"Mom, do we have to move to New York? In winter?" Seth started complaining again. In fact, since she had decided that she couldn't live in Newport anymore he had become more of a teenager than he used to be. It was like he was throwing a tantrum with each day she had to answer his special question with a 'yes'.

"Seth we've discussed this for weeks now and you know that I've made my decision. Your grandpa's subsidiary in New York needs a new chef and he needs someone who can solve the conflict with the contractors there." She explained to him for the felt hundredth time.

"Yeah, but that's what you're doing here as well. I don't see the point in moving only for doing the same there as you're doing here." He had a point, but she couldn't stay. The job in New York wasn't any better, it wasn't even better paid. The only thing which counted for her was that it was far, far away from him – her ex. She couldn't stand it any longer, watching him with his new wife and his new kids - with his brand new family. It was tearing her heart apart, although all she had left for him was hatred. She had done so much for him. It had been her money, her connections which have made him what he was: a wealthy business man. She gave up nearly everything for him and even parted with her parents. And what has it been good for? For his ungratefulness. She was glad that although of what she did to her parents they still stood by her side and helped her making her decision. It was them who made it all so much easier for her. They told her that she was doing the right thing and that she wasn't nuts but doing what each intelligent and independent woman would do.

"Mom, honestly: only because Dad is a complete asshole it doesn't mean that you have to destroy my life as well!" Seth screamed at her. She didn't know when her son has started to scream at her like that. He used to be such a calm and shy boy. Well, even to her it was a well-known fact that kids suffered and changed after their parents parted from each other, though she never thought it would happen to her son.

"Seth, stop it! Which life am I destroying here? You're having no friends, you're always complaining about all those spoilt rich kids bullying you, you're always sitting in front of your PlayStation alone. So tell me what am I destroying here?" She was being unfair with this. Her son was too young for being thrown these things at, but she has lost her patience a long time ago and was reluctant to fight about her decision any longer. It was the first decision since years she was wholly convinced of. This wouldn't change and she wouldn't let her son destroy this.

"You're so unfair." Seth answered and stormed off. Usually she would have run after him, apologizing and trying to explain her motives, but not now. They were both at the verge of a nervous breakdown. They were both hurt and left alone, and none of them had the power to support the other one. This was supposed to change in New York - her last big hope. She had to do that for being capable of supporting her son and soothing the pain his father's negligence and ignorance had caused him. She let herself drop onto the bed and let out a deep hearted sigh. What was she doing here? She was forty now, no young girl anymore. Was she capable of making a cut and starting a new life just like that? All in a sudden the big idea didn't seem being that big anymore. Actually it started to seem quite stupid. She was too old, her son was no child anymore and she still thought she could do this? Anyway, it was too late now. The plane would start tomorrow morning. Until then she had to pack the last few boxes and then her and her son's bags. At least there where people moving her stuff from one city to the other one. She threw a look onto the calendar at the wall. It was the first of December. It was going to be cold in New York that much she knew. She had prepared her son for that, but whether he had listened to her was another question. She hoped he had. 'Stop thinking and start acting', she said to herself and then started packing again.

She was so lost in her thoughts that she didn't notice her son entering the house again. He was carrying bags of take away food in his hands. She looked up from the box she was packing. Astonishment washed over her when she spotted her son standing in the middle of the room like that: sad and shy, with huge white bags in his hands.

"I thought our last meal should be Thai." He started and then put the bags onto the kitchen counter.

"Well, then bring here the boxes and make yourself comfortable." She pointed at the floor they both were standing on. The tables and chairs, all furniture was already on its way to New York or even already put into the new apartment. Her son came towards her and joined her on the floor.

"You know…I'm sorry…for …you know what I said and how I behaved. I understand it if you can't stand it here anymore." Her son started to apologize, something which has never happened before then. This was the first step into their new life.

"I know, but I shouldn't have said all those things to you either." She took the turn and took her son into a hug. She wanted to be his support. They only had each other now and it was time that they stuck together.

"Okay Mom, I think I got it." Her son answered and struggled out of her embrace. She got up and came back with two bottles of water. She raised her bottle as to a toast.

"To our new life." She said.

"In New York." Her son added.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N:  
>WOW!Thanks so much for the reviews. I tried my best with this cahpter. Still, I would feel better if someone betaed this story for me :S. But until I haven't found someone, you have to put up with this, sorry.<p>

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><p><strong>Chapter 2:<strong>

"Are you sure that you're fit enough for school today?" He asked his son, who was busy preparing himself a small breakfast.

"Dad, I'm sure." His son answered almost irritated by my question. What was he supposed to do? A leopard can't change its spots. He was worried. A year ago he had lost his wife, his son's mother. It was also four weeks ago that this setback had overtaken them, again. He was just worrying. His son had grown up that fast during the last few months that it sent chills down his spine. His son tried to take the place of his mother: trying to support his father as good as possible and tried to be strong. All this seemed to be so unnatural. It hurt to watch how much had been taken from the boy during the last twelve months, and that he had lost all his teenage innocence. On the other hand his son didn't complain and was satisfied with how things were, regardless of the diagnosis. His son was a tough, brave fighter. He had proved it the first time, and the time after that, and would always prove it again. Generally, his son dealt with a scary degree of serenity with his situation, though it was probably all too normal for kids in his son's position. Nevertheless, this fact didn't make him feel any better about it.

"Just asking. Yesterday you didn't look well." He replied to his son, making sure that he knew that he was there for him. From time to time he feared he might have neglected his son's needs and feelings during his time of mourning. In fact, they didn't talk about what had happened. It hurt and it wasn't going to change any time soon. Earlier in those times he used to abandon his son. Sandy always thought that Ryan's Mom was there for him, hence he wasn't needed. Now his Mom wasn't there anymore and he had to find new measures of coping. Running away and turning his back was no longer an option.

"Yeah, yesterday, but now everything's fine." His son rolled his eyes, saying that he knew well what he was doing and that he could take care of himself. He didn't doubt any of that. His son was capable of taking care of himself and their small household. It had been such a natural development. One day Ryan stood where his mother had stood and only now, he realised that this was somehow wrong. His son wasn't an adult, but he also had no power to change this. The beginning was made though. He realised and analysed what was wrong. The rest was only a matter of time – he hoped it only was. He had to solve this problem.

"So I'm off." His son said grabbing his backpack from the kitchen counter, ready to leave their apartment.

"Shall I give you a lift?" He offered once more. His son looked pale, never looked any better since the last few months. He looked fragile and he feared he might collapse under the weight their lives burdened onto his shoulders, but until now he seemed dangerously fine with all of this.

"You're having a meeting at the other end of the city today and added to that I'm very familiar with using subways." His son responded with a last joking sentence before he left the apartment into the cold darkness of the third December. New York was ice cold again and he each time his son left the apartment he feared that he might never enter it again. This fear emerged on the same day his wife died and it grew stronger with the diagnosis, but his son was right. There was no need to adopt a duck and cover attitude. One couldn't hide from life. With this thought and the realisation that his son was more mature than he should be, he took his briefcase and made his way to a new client.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Thank you sooo much for reading and reviewing. I really appriciate it =)  
><strong>

**Chapter 3:**

Now he was here in New York. Of course, a new city meant a new school, too. He had hoped it was going to be a public one. Well, it wasn't. It was the same as before: a fancy private school. The only difference was that it was supposed to be a private school for smart ones, but he doubted that while looking around and watching all those people. Life in Newport had taught him that intelligence was a matter of money: the more money your parents had, the more intelligent you were yourself, notwithstanding the fact that you couldn't read or even count to five. He should get used to it, because life here was going to be the same as at home, his former home. He sighed. How much had he hoped that things would turn out to be better here than anywhere else? He sat in the deserted hallway of the school, in front of the principal's office, waiting for someone who was supposed to show him around and be his buddy for this week. Of course, this someone was going to be the geekiest geek of the school or someone who took the lot of bad luck and now had to do this job. Both options didn't sound too optimistic for him and thus, he remained in the safe state of negativism, in which nothing can get any worse. In any way ironically fascinated, he started to analyse the design of the floor waiting for someone to come. Nothing would be more embarrassing than being left alone somewhere in the unknown on your first day. This was screaming for a never leaving stigma of being the new kid, who didn't belong to the crowd. It was awful. His life was awful, he was…

"Hey! Are you Seth Nichol?" A voice came suddenly out of nothing, and his head shot up to see someone, a teenager, standing in front of him.

"Uh…yeah, that's me."

"Great. Sorry for me being late. I'm Ryan and…well supposed to show you around if you want me to," he added. He seemed friendly. At least there was no stupid comment until now standing between them, him and the crowd.

"You know, you don't have to do this if you rather want to be somewhere else," Seth made his point clear. He wasn't ready for being a burden, just another one. It was hard enough to be a burden for your own parents, but being a burden for those at school sounded so unbearable that he didn't even want to think about it.

"No, it's cool. But we should jet. We're a little late, and being late is kind of punished with the death penal here," Ryan answered him. It was strange. He behaved so natural around him that he feared that it was only a matter of making him feel accepted to later show him that he was a stupid one thinking such a thing. But there was only one chance to find out: he had to play the game. He got up and followed Ryan. He had to find out what was going on. He couldn't wait until the final social deathblow hit him.

"So, how did they make you doing this job?" He tried to sound as casual as possible not showing his distrust toward the situation.

"No one, but I guess we share more or less the same time table. That's how they decide on who is in charge of the new arrivals," he answered in the same casual voice. His questions let to nothing. He had to try something else to get the truth out of the guy.

"Well, here we are, Mathematics with Dr. Ladeuer." Ryan stopped in front of the class room. "Ready to enter?" he asked Seth. He wasn't ready at all, but Seth doubted that he ever would be, so he nodded and both entered the classroom.

"Ryan, a little late this time, but as I see you brought us our new course member, so I can tolerate it for once," the teacher, a white haired old man, said. Ryan ducked his head, and then went to one of the empty desks and sat down. Seth remained in front of the course while everybody was staring at him.

"Well, I guess, you must be Seth Nichol. Welcome to my course. Find yourself somewhere to sit. I hope we'll get along well. But it shouldn't be a problem. We all get along quite well around here," the teacher said, and then let off of Seth, who was relieved that the whole introduction procedure was cut that short with not a lot of attention on his side. He didn't know why, but he was glad to find a free spot next to Ryan, who was already busy working on the task written on the board. It was strange, but although Seth didn't think that he matched in this place, he didn't feel left out either. It seemed as if a lot of people didn't match into this place. Some girls were too girly as if someone could take them for being smart. Other guys looked like all the proteins their body produced were placed everywhere else than in their brains, however, those guys really knew what they were talking about and followed the course attentively. This was different from Newport that was for sure. It remained to be seen whether it was better, too. He hoped so.

When the end of the course arrived, he was astonished about how fast the time of ninety minutes flew by. This was definitely different from home. When the bell rang, he got up and waited for Ryan, who he still wasn't sure of whether he was being honest to him or just playing a game.

"Where do we have to go next?" Seth asked him when they both made their way to the door.

"If you'll have physics, as I do, we'll stay in this building and just have to head for the next floor. But we have twenty minutes for getting there, so do you fancy some coffee?" Ryan asked him.

"Why not?" Seth replied. It was strange. Although people here looked like those in Newport, it was still different here. Maybe they mixed them something into the water or something. He had no other explanation than that. They went to the students' lounge. It was a small café furnished with couches, similar to the lounge at Harbor, just different. It was all different, although it was all so similar. It was a strange feeling to be here and having someone who was showing you around without giving you the feeling of being the unwanted nerd, yet. They both lined up in the queue. Now, Seth had time to study the other teen who was supposed to make him familiar with the surrounding of his new school. He was quiet, very quiet. That much he already figured out. He wasn't one of the guys who were actively engaged in the courses. He didn't go to the board, didn't answer the don's questions. Even he, Seth, participated more in the course than Ryan did. Seth also noticed the curious side glances the other students threw at Ryan. There was something about Ryan he hadn't found out, but probably had to find out if he wanted to understand him. Well, he looked a little strange. He was wearing a cap and a scarf all the time, although it wasn't that cold in the building. On the other hand, who was he to judge about the attributes of others? He always had been the odd one and knew how it felt when only your oddness counted instead of anything else. That why he turned blind and just didn't see the pale and rough skin, an ill-looking complexion. He didn't see the bony appearance. All he saw was the first person he knew around here, a person who still didn't make fun of him. It probably was only a matter of time until Ryan had enough of him and would start with it, though. Was it smart to hope that this wasn't going to happen? Had there any signs been telling him that all this was just a mean game? He didn't notice any, but maybe he was blinded by all the kindness that he couldn't see the truth behind the facade.

"Hey Seth, it's your turn," Ryan pulled him out of his thoughts. Seth ordered a coffee and then followed Ryan to the next floor.

"So, how long to you go here?" he asked Ryan. It was difficult to find something to talk about to someone who was that quiet.

"A few years," Ryan answered him. "It's not that bad here," he added. He seemed to be really shy.

"It can't get worse than at my old school," Seth replied sighing.

"That bad?" Ryan asked him.

"Well, chest-shaving water polo players aren't known for their intelligence," Seth answered jokingly, although this wasn't as much of a joke as it had been Seth' bloody reality, back in Newport.

"That sounds bad," Ryan replied.

"Hey freak!" A bulky blond guy screamed when he bumped into Ryan. All of Seth' hopes that going to school here was different from home got destroyed in an instant. Things weren't different at a school for gifted. All teenagers were the same, no matter of their intelligence. Only a few odd ones struck out and unfortunately Seth knew way too well that he belonged to those odd ones.

"Yeah, rather being a freak than losing one game after the other one," Ryan replied unimpressed by the guy's action.

"But that's bad luck and not genetically," the guy replied visible angry about what Ryan had responded to his insult.

"Bad luck? You're losing every game."

"But last year we won the cup!" The guy was awfully in rage now, but Ryan wasn't going to back off.

"Yeah, but then I've still been part of the team, so I'd think wisely about what I said when I was in your position. Loser." Then Ryan turned around. Seth never would have dared to react like that to the bullying of the others. He used to be way too afraid for doing so. The water polo guys at his school couldn't take a joke, especially not if it was about their sports. If you made fun of them, they would make you regret it. They would punish you mainly physically, since they were lacking of brain cells for any kind of psychological punishment.

"That was harsh," Seth commented when they were out of the guy's earshot.

"Yeah, but don't worry. He was just mad because of the bad season they are playing this year. I doubt that anyone of them would vent his anger on you," Ryan answered and guided him to the slowly filling room in which they were going to have physics.

"If you didn't notice it, he just vented his anger on you," Seth reminded Ryan of what has happened a few meters away from the course-room.

"Yeah, but that's because I left the team and now they suck," Ryan answered while sitting down at one of the desks.

"Which team?" Seth was confused. Why did a sports-guy bully another sports-guy? This was wrong.

"Football," Ryan replied him, and now Seth wished that Ryan was a little more talkative. Why couldn't he just spill out the whole story? That way he wouldn't have to ask one question after another, and start to seem nosy. Okay, he was nosy but there was no reason for making it public. But he had to get the whole story for understanding what was going on, and he had to understand what was going on because it was already driving him nuts that Ryan was talking about some cryptic matter.

"And why did you leave the team? I mean at my school, being part of any kind of sports-team was your ticket to the high society of high-school. You know: getting all the hot chicks, being invited to the coolest parties ever, being a cool guy and stuff. Why did you give up an opportunity like that?" Seth understood less than nothing. If he had gained the chance of being a member of a team, he would have taken it. Nothing would have given him a better image and reputation than being a member of a team, the team. Maybe then, his father would have been proud of him if his son only had followed in his footsteps, and been the quarterback of the Harbor Football team. He never even made it to the try outs because he was too skinny, too uncoordinated and just unathletic. His father never got over this fact, and couldn't ignore it, no matter how hard he tried. No day could pass by, without his father complaining about the missing medals and trophies. It was awful for Seth. He knew very well what would have pleased his father but he also knew very well that he never could give that to him. He worked hard to be the best in everything else: being the best in class, being the best in arts, taking part in scientific competitions and winning them. It had never been enough, because for his Dad things like that didn't make you a tough guy. Being tough. For his Dad this was all that mattered in life. In his father's point of view he, Seth, was nothing more than a mollycoddled wimp. That's why he hated his life, because no matter where or what he was, he wasn't enough. When he was at school, he wasn't enough for being one of the other teenagers; and when he was at home, he wasn't enough to gain a second of his father's attention. He was a loser. It was supposed to change here. His Mom had told him that things were going to be different at a school where all the smart kids were going to. Ryan was the best proof that this was wrong. He already started to hate his life and the day wasn't even over yet.

"Seth?" Ryan dragged him out of his pessimism. He looked up and at him. "Don't worry. They won't do anything to you. And hey: you're into arts' is that right?" Ryan asked him. How the heck did he know that?

"Yeah, but how do you know that?"

"Dean asked me to show you the arts building for your last course. Not really on my way, but no problem at all. Anyway, the girls around here like guys who can draw them," Ryan said with a smirk and though he didn't believe it, it forced a smile on his face, too. Ryan was attending this school longer than he did, maybe he knew what he was talking about, and was speaking the truth about the being bullied part. Seth wished for it. In fact, nobody else said anything mean to anyone else. In their lunch break, they shared a table with some other students he had some courses together with. They were talking, not making fun of anyone, but actually talking like civilized people. Seth started to enjoy the day. Things seemed to be better than at home, Newport home. At some point, when he really was sure that everything was better, he had to apologise to his Mom for the tantrum he had thrown. She really had made the right decision, as far as Seth was capable of judging his new life until then.

Seth had to get along without Ryan for his last course. But indeed, Ryan brought him to the arts building. Seth was impressed about his drawing course. He had a choice between a few things, some other things were obligatory. Nevertheless, this was better than what Harbor had offered him.

Notwithstanding the fun this school was, Seth was tired at the end of the day, and was waiting for his Mom to pick him up. It was uncharacteristic for her being late. On the other hand, New York was famous for its mad traffic. Still, Seth was curious about this, and fished his mobile out of his pocket only to find a text message from his Mom stating that she couldn't pick him up. Great. That was the end of an otherwise nice day. How was he supposed to find his way home? He had no clue. This was going to end in a disaster. Rage started to boil in his stomach. How could his Mom forget him on such a day? Okay, he admitted that she didn't forget him, but still. He looked around to see any opportunity of getting home. He didn't even know in which direction the new apartment lay.

"Hey Seth, what are you still doing here?" He heard Ryan's voice behind him.

"Uh…nothing, just waiting for my Mom." He couldn't bring himself to admit that he had no idea how to get home on his own. That would wipe away all benefits he had gained so far.

"And let me guess, she can't pick you up and now you're asking yourself how to get home," Ryan concluded. Hey, that guy was smart and it scared him. If he knew about that, he'd probably tell everyone about this, and then he was the dependent geek who didn't manage to free from Mommy's leash. Seth didn't answer. The heat racing in his cheeks indicated that he was blushing. This should be answer enough.

"Alright, do you know your address?" Ryan asked him. That was an unfair question. Seth was lost but not lost like a little child that couldn't even jump in a cab and ride off home. He nodded.

"Well, that's already more than others know who tend to strand in front of this gate on their first day," Ryan answered him smiling and motioned him to follow him.

"So, before we choose the right underground, I should know where you're living," Ryan said his hands stuffed in the pockets of his coat. The wind outside was icy. Seth had never imagined that it could be that cold somewhere in the states. But it was. He hoped that he could get accustomed to this climate. If not, he had to create a master plan. Seth fished a small piece of paper out of his pockets. He had forgotten his gloves. His hands hurt immediately when the ice cold wind brushed them. The colour went from slightly brownish into blue in no second.

"You seriously should think about gloves. It is way too cold for walking around like that," Ryan commented on his ungloved hands.

"Yes, Mommy," Seth answered without even thinking of it. He hoped he didn't annoy Ryan with that. He was really concerned about him. This was the first time someone from his school cared about what was going to happen to him. Ryan only answered with rolling his eyes.

"California, huh? You're really in the need for learning about New York, man," Ryan said then.

"Nevertheless, you're lucky. Your home is only two stations further than mine, so I could take you by the hand and bring you home," Ryan said mockingly and now Seth really started to like him. It was a relaxed way of making fun of each other, something Seth hadn't had in ages. Ryan led Seth through the tunnel of the underground. They hadn't to wait too long for a subway to arrive. It was crowded, and Seth hoped for this nightmare of crowdedness to be over soon, but he had no such luck. He should have known. The way by car already took about twenty-five minutes. He watched the people around him pushing the others in and out of the subway. Then his glance went over to Ryan, who was massaging his temples, obviously in pain of a headache.

"Hey, you alright?" he asked.

"Yeah, was just a little too much input for me, today," Ryan answered him rolling his shoulders back and forth as to relax his neck.

"Well, you should be used to it," Seth replied, still not sure whether his new friend told him the truth, since he looked badly under the weather right now.

"Yeah, just I hate Wednesday." And with this answer the interrogation was over, and Ryan started to explain him how his new school worked: that although he had different courses each day, he shouldn't wait for the weekend to get all his homework done, because it was impossible. Ryan also told him that there was an exam-period at the end of each term. During the rest of the time, there were no tests but projects and assignments to be done. Ryan explained to him that this was supposed to prepare them for studying at the University, something Seth hadn't even considered, yet.

Ryan didn't leave his side until they found the building in which the new apartment was in.

"So, here we are. Will you find your apartment on your own, or shall I walk you to the door?" Ryan asked him jokingly.

"Very funny. Do you wanna come up, grab a coffee?" Seth asked him, not only for politeness' sake, but truly meaning it.

"Sorry, I have to jet now. Don't want my piano teacher having to wait in front of an unanswered door," Ryan apologised. Seth couldn't deny that he was a little disappointed about that.

"But any other time I'd say yes…it's just…"

"Wednesday," Seth finished Ryan's sentence trying to reassure Ryan that it was no problem for him.  
>"Yeah, right. See you tomorrow in school, then," Ryan said goodbye and then raced away. With the new experience of having lived through a totally satisfying day at school, Seth entered the building and then the apartment. Maybe this new life wasn't going to be as bad.<p> 


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N.:  
><strong>Sorry for this late update! But since I'm not making any money with this, I have to earn my money with other things than writing. Si, I hope you'll like this chapter and I promise you here and now that this story will be finished!

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><p><strong>Chapter 4: <strong>

Kirsten was waiting in her office. She had a meeting with their lawyer. Well, it was a lawyer from the law firm which was paid for solvingthe company's legal problems. Several people, who were already working for the company for decades, had told her that this man was one of the best and that they were lucky for having this man on their side. Kirsten was curious about it. She never believed in what others said about others until she hasn't had an idea of someone herself. Anyway, she has always been wary about people who were praised like that. From her very own experience she knew that those people tended to have tons of skeletons in their closets and when someone found out about them, it always hit those first who were solely working for this praised someone. She didn't realise that she was staring at the door until she noticed that someone knocked.

"Come in," she called out faking to be busy working over some – blank – papers. In fact, she hadn't received any folders until now. She started to be frustrated. She didn't move to New York for being paid for nothing. She had to work. She needed something to do otherwise she was going to be nervous because she didn't know what to do with herself and the free time she suddenly gained. A black haired man with impressive developed eye-brows entered her office. Pure self-confidence and professionalism rayed from him. It was a miracle to her that someone with such bushy eye-brows was capable of entering a room with such self-confidence and at the same time was having such a calm aura. It was strange, but as soon as this man entered her office, she wasn't nervous or annoyed anymore.

"Mrs. Nichol?" the man asked her extending his hand towards her.

"Yes, that's me," she replied feeling slightly embarrassed, although she didn't know about what. All her confidence seemed to have vanished. She took a deep breath to sooth the jittery feeling in her stomach. She had to regain her composure. She shook his hand firmly. She was the boss of this subsidiary and she would act as one.

"Sandy Cohen my name. I'm your lawyer from now on, given that you haven't found anyone else," the man introduced himself. He seemed to be convinced about himself and his skills. She took this message as a declaration of war. She let one man make her feel as not being good enough. She wouldn't allow another man to do so. She would show him who she was and that she couldn't be impressed by big words and low achievements.

"Well, we'll see. If I'll notice that you're doing a good job and act in the company's interests, then there shouldn't be reason for finding someone else," she responded motioning the man to sit down on one of the chairs in front of her desk.

"I assume you're currently working on a solution for our problems with the subcontractors," she started talking business. Ms. Cohen only nodded. It seemed that he knew when to talk.

"And what are you suggesting?" she asked him on.

"Currently I won't suggest anything." What was that? What were they paying this man for?

"What is this supposed to mean?" she questioned him irritated. She had to make clear to him that she won't let anything slide. She had done so before and the results were a broken family and a devastated teenager, who shouldn't suffer the consequences of hers and her ex-husband's mistakes.

"That is supposed to mean that it's impossible to find a solution which will let the parent company of the hook," he explained to her in a very calm manner. This was brave. He knew the philosophy: all subsidiaries were responsible for their finances. There was no way the parent company in Newport was going to invest only one cent into a subsidiary's debts, which meant that he was telling her that there was no solution at all.

"I guess you know that this isn't the solution we hired you for," she replied.

"I know, but in this case we might be talking about the infringement of articles. It's either the directors paying for the damage done, since it was their idea to invest money we needed for keeping the share capital at the settled level, or the company has to pay the damage. Given the financial circumstances, this would ruin this subsidiary and thus is not an option. The directors on the other hand will fight the liability tooth and nail, and in respect to the director friendly judicator they will likely succeed," he told her. He was tough. He knew what he was talking about. She liked that, although she didn't like the idea of having to breach her father's philosophy. There had to be another solution.

"And where is the point? I mean, we're talking about the contractors. They knew the risk and it's only fair if they take their share of the responsibility. "

"The point is that those contractors are our partners and without them we'll soon be out of the construction business. If we don't offer them a solution they like, they'll make this company unable to conduct its business. They won't agree to any contract with us and if they spread the news that we don't pay our debts, we won't find any supplement. Mrs. Nichol, we're talking about the existence of this company."

"I don't need a lecture in company law. I'm very well aware of these problems and it's your job solving it." She hated it if people thought she didn't know how commercial life and economics worked. She had grown up with it. Everything her father had taught her, when she was a little girl, was related to business, no matter whether it was his explanation for why not everyone was living in a house, or his explanation for a mathematical equations she hadn't understood at school. It was in her blood. She disliked people thinking about her as daddy's little girl. She wasn't. He had given her a lot of his knowledge, but she had made her way on top of this ladder on her own and she was proud of it.

"I know what my job is. But I also know that this subsidiary has been your project. Keeping it alive should be in your interest." He had a point. He had done his homework. He had informed himself about her. She wasn't sure whether she liked this. This man was absolutely confident and professional. There was not the slightest hint of an unprofessional and private Mr. Cohen. There was a lawyer sitting in front of her who consisted of facts and nothing else. She could understand why her father thought highly of this man. There was probably no way she could detect a failure from his side unless it was too late, and this scared her.

"You're right, but I also know how and when to let go and if this is the only other option, then we have to wind up this company," she made a quick decision. She wasn't sentimental. Sentiment earned you nothing.

"Which will leave a lot of creditors with unpaid bills."

"Which won't be our problem anymore."

"I won't say that. It might ruin the parent company's reputation as well. It might become difficult for it as well to gain new contractors. The people in this business aren't stupid. They'll know who could have paid them but was just too greedy for doing so. Added to that, a friend of mine is currently working on a precedent. He might have luck and get through with his claim that a parent has to pay for the subsidiary's debts at the slightest evidence of its influence in the conduct of business of its subsidiary."

"What about the principles of the Salomon case? And what about Adam vs. Cape industries?" She knew she was showing off, but she wanted him to notice that they were talking on an eye-level. She wanted to prove to him that she knew what he was talking about. She was professional. She only needed to cover up the knowledge gap she suffered through the files not being provided to her promptly. He didn't react to that but remained cool. That got her to the edge of frustration. She couldn't read this man and thus it was impossible for her to look into his cards. He was way too calm for her taste. On the other hand, if he didn't look surprised, he might never have viewed her as daddy's little daughter and she had made a mistake in judgement.

"Right, every company has its own legal liability. But if the mentioned case results in a precedent, it might lower the barrier for the assumption that the subsidiary is an agent acting for its parent, and even if not: if this goes to court, this easily can become such a precedent itself." Now she was astonished. It seemed as if she knew less than he did. She thought that this subsidiary acted on its own, independent from the company in Newport. How could this man come up with the assumption that it was a mere agent?

"What leads you to this assumption?"

"I'm sorry. I forgot that this was your first day. You probably haven't had a chance to have a look into the accountancy and communications between the parent and the subsidiary. This should be the first things you look at. I can only hope that they haven't already destroyed all the important communication. Still, it might well be that the sudden decision of you being the new head of this company had a strategic background." What? Now she was even shocked. She has thought her father wanted her here because he needed a new CEO for the company. She has thought that her father wanted her in this position, because he was convinced of her skills and that she was experienced enough to solve the problems around here. Now she got to hear that she was here to cover up some irregularities? No. How could she believe this man whom she barely knew? His allegations couldn't be true. On the other hand, she had never before met a man who seemed to be that trustworthy. This was merely a façade, she told herself. It had to be facade, but this man was as authentic as nobody else had been around her before, despite her parents of course. It was hard to resist the urge of believing him, although she wanted to disbelieve his words. It was dangerous. This man was dangerous. He possessed some imaginary power and she had to resist it. She didn't want a man playing around with her again and she was going to make that clear to him.

"I think we're too old for ill-funded conspiracy theories."

"That's true. Well, I suggest that you have a look into the accounting books to get an idea about the situation. I'm sorry, but I have to leave now for a meeting with some colleagues from the law firm. Maybe one of them is more creative than I am and finds a better solution than mine," he said and got up to leave.

"Okay, thank you. Please, be available at about four tomorrow. I should have an overview over the facts and figures until then, and we can discuss this more properly."

"Sorry, but I have an appointment then," he answered her. Suddenly he didn't seem to be that cool and professional anymore. She had triggered something. She has found his unprofessional side.

"With whom?" she asked on. Her order had triggered something. A sore spot?

"It's private." He didn't want to tell her. That made her alarm-bells shrill in her mind. How could he dare to refuse a meeting with her because of some private stuff? This here was his job and it had ultimate priority over all other things, especially over his private life.

"Well, I don't care. This here is your job and I'm the one who pays your remuneration, so I can expect you obliging my wish in this case," she was hard to the outside. She had to be cold as ice otherwise all those guys would make her a puppet of their cruel games and she was reluctant to let this happen again. All those men in this business needed to feel that she wasn't any weaker than them, especially when she was the boss!

"Might be, but I had the arrangement with your predecessor that I won't have any meeting at and after four o'clock since I'm also working a lot from home."

"I don't care. I'm not my predecessor and I want you working here where I can have an eye on you."

"As you please." And with these words the man was gone and she was left alone, puzzled by this man's behaviour. On the one hand, she was angry about his behaviour and his last objections against the appointment. She hated it if people became sentimental in case of some private stuff. No matter what it was, there was no reason for neglecting your job and that was what he did: neglecting his obligations. She had worked on and didn't let anyone notice what was going on in her private life, no matter the extent of the crisis. She could expect the others doing so either.

On the other hand, this man brought back a feeling she hadn't felt in her stomach since she had been a teenager in high school romanticizing for her first real big love. She shook her head. This was silly. She was a business woman. She couldn't allow such a man to get her off course. What counted was the fact that this man was capable of gainsaying her and she disliked it.

As soon as she got her emotions under control, she called her secretary to get her the accounting books. When they landed on her desk, it was already late and she decided to take them home. She had left her son alone for far too long on his first day at school. Also, she was curious to get to know how it went. She crossed her fingers inwardly. She wished for him so badly that it had been a good day for him. She wished it for herself, too. She couldn't bear the bad conscience any longer that she had made a mistake again and that her son was suffering the consequences. She had to make sure that her son felt well around here, in this city.

When she entered her new apartment, she could already hear her son's PlayStation. Her heart sunk to the bottom of her pants when she noticed that somehow nothing seemed to have changed. Her son playing video games straight after school was a bad omen.

"Hey honey, I'm home," she announced her intrusion into her son's teenager world while making her way to the new living room juggling the accounting folders on her arm. The picture was a familiar one. Her son sat in front of the TV with a controller in his hand.

"How was your day?" she asked him when she sat down on the couch behind her son.

"It was good, I guess," he said while pausing his game and turning towards her.

"You guess?"

"Yeah, it went quite well, but I'm not sure what's going to come, so I decided to keep my hopes and expectations low, thus I won't get disappointed when the true face comes out." She didn't know whether her heart should break after this statement, because her son had already lost all hopes that any other teenager might accept him as the person he was; or whether she was supposed to be deep heartedly happy, because nothing has happened to her son during his first day at school.

"Well, I'm glad that you found your way home," she said not denying her bad conscience because she forgot to pick him up whilst he was new in this city and didn't know how to get back to his new home from a new school.

"Yeah, Ryan helped me out," he answered her. She was amazed. There was a name and this name sure as hell belonged to someone from school. Suddenly she felt excited.

"And who's Ryan?" she asked him.

"That's a guy from my school. We share nearly all courses together, despite arts because he's more the piano type. He was doomed to show me around at school and when he noticed that I had no idea how to get home, he brought me here," he started with his banter, banter about a positive experience at school. Maybe her wishes got fulfilled and things really were going to change to the better.

"Sounds like a nice guy," she tried to get more to know about the exclusion zone called life of a teenager.

"I'm not sure yet. He's living only two stations away from here, so it was no real effort for him doing so. Added to that, I can't tell yet whether he's just playing the nice guy to later stab me from the back." She hated it when her son used these violent metaphors which were the results of his days at Harbor High and maybe a few hours too much in front of the PlayStation.

"Did he do anything to make you think like that?"

"Not yet and that's what makes me curious." Okay, there was only distrust speaking from her boy, which wasn't at all bad when it was going to subside after he noticed that there were actually people who liked him the way he was.

"And despite this Ryan, how did you like it? How are the teachers? Do you like your courses? What about the other students?" She had to get to know all of this. If she ever noticed that anything went wrong, she had to make a new decision, because one thing was for sure: she would never again send her son through the same hell as she has done in Newport.

"Well, teachers are teachers, no matter whether they carry the degree or not. The courses are cool. It's a little harder than at Harbor, but much more interesting, and I'm not the only student who's using his head for thinking. Even all the other students participate during class and most of them are really smart. And yes, although a lot of them fall under the Newport standard, I have to admit that this merely refers to their appearance. I think most of them would be bored to death in Newport where the intelligence is a matter of your parents' accounts."

"I can assume that you talked to some of the other students." She didn't want her son disregarding others due to some sort of prejudices. Out of his own experience he should know how hard it was to live with it, and thus he shouldn't do the same to the others.

"Sure, Ryan introduced me to some of his friends during lunch break."

"I'm not sure how this sounds to you, but to me it sounds like a successful day," she concluded from what he son had told her.

"I'm not sure yet. How was your day?"

"Uff…busy and straining, a lot of new people and a lot of work to catch up with," she motioned to the folders on her lap.

"You're not telling me that you want to work on this tonight?" Disappointment swayed in her son's voice and she could understand it. She had promised him to step back from her job when she already had to drag him into a 'foreign' city.

"Honey, that's just for the first few weeks, until I know what I'm working with."

"Alright. And what about you? Did you get to know some new people?" Her son flopped onto the couch next to her.

"Oh yeah, a lot and I'm sure tomorrow I've forgotten all their names."

"You're kidding. I'm sure you can remember all of them."

"Oh no, I can't," she admitted. She was bad with names. She could easily remember faces, but she couldn't remember names.

"Prove it," her son tried to get her onto the battlefield.

"No."

"If you can remember five names, you'll pick what we're having for dinner," he egged her on. She had to give in. She couldn't be the killjoy and she didn't want to be.

"There's Peggy, she's my secretary and…there's Mr. Cohen, who's the lawyer for the company. He's arrogant and way too convinced of himself even though he has these bushy eyebrows. He can't even prioritise. He really thought that, because he agreed with my predecessor that he won't have any meeting after four, I'd do so either. I mean, the company is close to being wound up and he demands private leisure time?" She was in fury about the way this man had treated her. No, it wasn't the way how he had treated her. She was furious about what this man did to her, what he caused inside of her. She had abjured men. It was for her son's and her own safety. She didn't want any man ever again pushing her in such a miserable situation in which she had found herself in after Jimmy left her. She would never let a man disregard her like that again. But this Cohen guy had something she couldn't grasp nor pronounce. It was horrible. She needed her energy for her job not for controlling her emotions. She had to get this man out of her way and, most importantly, out of her head. Unfortunately she couldn't fire him. But she could cancel his retainer. The problem was that a new lawyer would need weeks to come to grips with the case. Well, she had to try to be as professional as possible, because she had to work with this man and this was not going to change.

"Okay, Mom it's okay. This is enough. What do you want to eat?"

"Huh?" She got lost in her thoughts.

"What do you want to eat? And are you sure that you hate this man that much?" her son asked her with a lopsided smile.

"What it that supposed to mean?"

"You mentioned his eyebrows," her son said before he jumped off the couch while she was throwing a pillow after him.

Was he right? No, he wasn't. She was merely angry about this man's behaviour and the fact that she couldn't get rid of him. It was true what was said: this man was a very good lawyer. She already noticed that much. He was in the know of the facts and details. Hiring a new lawyer was impossible. This man was already too involved in this case when he owned the arrogance to tell her that they had to breach the fundamental principle: leaving the parent out of the subsidiaries' mess, whilst being wholly aware of whose daughter she was. She shook off these thoughts. She was home now and there were other things waiting for her.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N.:  
><strong>** Thanks for the reviews and reading this story. Oh and I forgot: I'm neither owning the characters and I'm not making any profits with this story and don't even intend to **

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 5:<strong>

When he made the first step into the apartment, he noticed that he was frustrated. He was angry about this woman who was supposed to be his new boss. She couldn't seriously be thinking that she was now the commander of an already sinking ship. Something she hasn't even noticed yet, he thought. After the meeting, he had called the senior partner of the chambers he worked for, and explained to him the new situation and that he shouldn't be surprised if someone new was asked to solve the case. He was lucky that his boss was an understanding man. Someone else wouldn't have cared. He sighed and put his jacket on the coat hook. Not even the soft tunes of his son's piano play could calm him down, not today. It wasn't the fact that his privilege of no meeting after four was cancelled just like that which bothered him the most. It was the fact that he had to start from new with the whole case. He had thought that a business woman like Mrs. Nichol would be a little more professional. She could have informed herself about the state of affairs. This was the least thing she should have done. He didn't even dare to imagine what she would have been capable of doing to him if he had appeared unprepared in this meeting. And then the way she exploited her position. The way she acted and her lack of knowledge about the company's affairs made it easy for him to conclude how she got that job. After all, she was Daddy's little girl. On the other hand, she possessed the necessary expertise. She was more than competent to run this company. She just didn't know what she was supposed to know.

"Hey Dad, what's wrong?" Suddenly his son stood in front of him.

"Uh…nothing." He didn't want to bother his son with his job-life on top of all other things he was already burdened with.

"Well, 'nothing' looks different to me," his son added before he vanished in the study where the grand piano stood in. He followed him watching how his son put all the music neatly back on top of it.

"What were you playing?" he asked.

"This was the lousy attempt of Liszt's Summer Dream," his son sighed. As usual he wasn't satisfied with anything, although his piano teacher was more than pleased with Ryan's efforts and his talent.

"Didn't sound that bad," he started an attempt of encouragement.

"That's because you don't know how the song is supposed to sound," his son replied, stepped out of the room and closed the door. Sandy put his briefcase where it belonged and then followed his son into the kitchen. It was hard for Sandy to accept that his son was such a quiet kid. He didn't ask a lot of questions and didn't answer a lot of them either. Especially the fact that he didn't answer questions made their relationship difficult and slightly strained. Well, Sandy was well aware of a lot of other things which were straining their relationship as well. It was hard for both of them but somehow they dealt with it. Sandy couldn't measure how much his son really knew: about what had been going on between him – Sandy – and his mother, or about the true meaning of the diagnosis. Ryan took all those things as they were not questioning any of it. At least it seemed like that to Sandy. This not-questioning-anything was a real problem in his point of view. Sandy sighed inwardly. He needed to have another conversation with his son about all this bottling up of things which weren't supposed to be left brooding and boiling in the small space of a single person's mind.

"So what's wrong?" Sandy's behaviour really must have his son worried if he got himself asking him a second time.

"The new boss is a bitch," Sandy declared and didn't bother watching his language.

"Okay, I'd say watch your language, but this sounds bad and as if the new boss was a female," Ryan concluded out of his verbal outburst while preparing dinner. Again a bad conscience crept up Sandy's spine. He should have been employing a house-keeper months ago, but he was too busy for finding and hiring the right one. And yes, it was quite comfortable having a teenage son doing most of these jobs, notwithstanding the fact that he shouldn't be.

"She is and what kind of female," he started his torrent of hatred of which he wasn't even sure whether it was mere hatred or something else swaying within it. It had to be hatred. He wasn't ready for anything else, despite that anything else would have been wrong in this kind of situation anyway.

"Alright, but I'm quite sure that she doesn't leave her own kids with an empty fridge," his son replied visibly annoyed by the fact that Sandy had once again forgotten to get the groceries.

"Sorry, I didn't have the time to go and get the groceries. Sounds like pizza to me and tomorrow I…" Shit he had no time to go tomorrow.

"No time? Great. You know you can order online. Might be worth a try with your busy schedule," his son answered grabbing for the phone to order their pizzas. It was some kind of ritual. They didn't need to check the leaflets anymore because they always ate the same. Ryan ordered and dinner was ready, so far.

"Yeah, Ryan listen, this woman needs to accustom herself to the new job and how things work around here. She didn't even have the decency to have a look into the accounting-books. When I tried to explain to her the crux of the matter, she couldn't even follow me, but droned the primary principle of leaving out the parent company of the subsidiary's financial business. If she has had a look, she would have known that this is mere bullshit!" He rose into black fury.

"Dad, but that happened and it's not worth buggering up your leisure-time with it," his son answered shortly looking up from his homework. Why was he doing his homework in the kitchen? Had he missed something? His son used to bury himself under the pile of homework in the solitude of his room. Probably his son once again had changed his habits. He did so a lot lately, after his Mom died.

"I know, but I just can't refrain from being annoyed by those blond, petite women who are so damn natural that it is impossible to find any kind of flaw with which you can throw them a loop and out of their one-way-road of self-confidence."

"What you're saying is that you're annoyed by this special petite and blond woman who seems to be perfect. Are you sure that there isn't more behind this?" his son asked him and this question hit him hard.

"Ryan! I'm not ready for anything else…although I don't know what you're meaning."

"Yeah, right, you just mentioned by the way that this woman is somehow perfect. C'mon Dad, you can't be single for the rest of your life anyway," his son had touched this one sore point.

"Ryan, it's not the right time for something like that. It…it would dishonour your Mom and our marriage."

"Yeah, 'cause you two have been so deep in love with each other that you couldn't keep your hands off each other," his son countered. He noticed very well the irony in his son's voice. He couldn't stand his son talking as if everything between Sandy and his wife had been bad and a waste of time. It hadn't been. It once had been much more than he could express with sole words. This something just subsided one day and they slipped into an every-day routine. Nothing to worry about and nothing his son should reproach him with.

"Ryan, stop talking like this. You know what you're trying to imply isn't true."

"You sure? You better stop pretending that I didn't notice what was going on between the two of you," his son responded grabbing his homework and marching off. This was the usual procedure. Ryan didn't like to fight and Sandy had a temper once in a while and needed to let off steam, but his son wasn't the right address for that and he had to respect it. His son was still a kid. Sandy so often forgot that his son was a teenager and those nearly fights always demonstrated that to him. Sandy decided that it was better to leave it with that. He should find another manner of frustration-management.

They ate their pizza together but in silence. That wasn't new to them. Ryan wasn't much of a talker and he was visibly tired, thus Sandy remained silent too. He missed someone he could talk to. He had tried to talk to Ryan, but it felt wrong. Ryan wasn't supposed to listen to his father's conflicts while he was fighting a tough battle on his own. Anyway, Sandy should be more concerned about his son and offer his son some more of his attention. And again he realised that he had to let his son down once again, and would have to do it again because of the meeting with this woman. He had never been a good father and their fortune was supposed to change that, but it didn't do so. It felt as if Sandy was resistant to a father-son-relationship and that frightened him.

"Ryan…uh…I'll have a meeting tomorrow with my new boss and…well, she settled it for four o'clock. I'm really sorry, but she didn't care whether I had the arrangement with her predecessor that I wasn't available for after four. So,…was it…could you go to the appointment on your own?" It was awful. His son sat there and listened to him without even reacting. Talking to him felt like talking to a wall from time to time.

"No problem," his son answered him not stopping eating his dinner. That was it. Nothing like: you should have tried harder to convince her. Not the slightest sign of disappointment or incomprehension. After Sandy had announced the bad news, they fell back into silence until Ryan shoved his plate aside and got up. He hadn't eaten half of his pizza, but Sandy didn't say anything. Ryan had lost his appetite a while ago and it was useless forcing him to eat more than he wanted to.

"Sorry, but I still have some homework to do," his son told him as he brought his plate into the kitchen. He watched his son. If one didn't know, he would hardly notice. That was true, but with each appointment it got more and more visible. He hoped that he never was going to become weaker than this, but he had no influence in this. Nobody had. It was something which was out of his hands and that was the hardest part to accept: that he couldn't control this, whatever it was. There was no certainty, not even after years and the evidence was slapped into his face each day. He blamed himself believing that if, back then, he only had noticed earlier, things wouldn't have turned out to be that bad.

"And, Dad?" his son caught his father's attention. Sandy looked up from his pizza to his son.

"It's really okay that you have this meeting tomorrow. No problem, really," his son said before he disappeared in his room. This sentence was heart-breaking for him. He was given too much understanding from this teenager. He couldn't deal with it, not like that. He wanted his son to throw a tantrum about the world's injustice. He wanted him to scream the question of why it always had to be him. He didn't want his son silently dealing with it, no matter what it was. Definitely, this day was a bad one and therefore he could say good-bye to working on the case. After he had put away the dishes and cleaned the kitchen table, he made himself cosy on the couch in front of the TV.

After his eyes nearly fell close, he decided that it was time to get some sleep. When he went to his room, he had to pass his son's which still was brightly illuminated. He went in and found his son sitting at his desk massaging his temples and wearing a scarf.

"Hey, does your throat hurt again?" he asked his son when he entered the room.

"Hmmm," he groaned as answer.

"Maybe you'd better go to bed," he suggested worrying about his son's sudden paleness.

"I have to get this done," Ryan objected.

"Might be, but you're having a headache and your throat hurts. Don't you think you should leave it with that and get some rest? It's not worth straining yourself more than necessary." He understood his son's ambitiousness, but he also didn't want his son worsen his health over it.

"But…"

"Nothing but. I'll write a note for your teacher and when I'm back with it, I want you to be changed and in there." He pointed at the bed.

"You can't…," his son resorted to another attempt of objection, but Sandy decided that enough was enough.

"I'm not discussing this! Capiche!" With this he left the room for writing the teacher a note. That was the only thing he managed to organise: making the dean of the school aware of the situation so that they could consider it. He was in a lucky situation. Most of the teachers were very understanding regarding their situation.

When Sandy was done, his son was lucky to be in bed. Sandy hadn't had the energy to discuss this any further. He put the note into his son's backpack.

"Alright, sleep tight and I don't want you getting up again until tomorrow morning. And Ryan: if I shouldn't be there to pick you up, you'll take a cab, okay? I don't want you using the subway after the appointment," he warned his son, who only nodded. He hoped that he was going to make it in time. He couldn't expect his son being capable of getting home alone. He didn't want him to go home on his own. He had a bad feeling about that. He shook off these thoughts and turned off the lights to leave for his own bed. He was dog tired and he knew that the next day was going to be even more straining than this one.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N:  
>Sorry for the late update. And thank you sooo much for your reviews. I'm happy about every single one who's reading this story :D I hope you like this chapter =)<p>

**Chapter 6: **

The next day, Ryan met Seth in the subway. He couldn't tell whether Seth happened to use the subway more frequently, because he wanted to be independent from his Mom, or whether this was Seth way of showing his friendship to Ryan. Maybe Seth was just glad having found someone to hang out with and was reluctant to lose his first gained contact in his new home city. Ryan couldn't blame him. He couldn't imagine how it must feel being pulled out of one's familiar surroundings and life, and then being put into something entirely new. Ryan couldn't help comparing Seth with a goldfish which was taken out of its community in the pet-shop's aquarium and then put in a deserted fish bowl left alone and lonely. It must have been awful, that was all Ryan was able to detect for himself. Of course, he didn't mention this comparison to Seth. He didn't want to scare him away. In fact, Seth was a nice guy. For Ryan it felt good to have someone around who didn't know how and who he had been a year ago, someone who didn't watch the changes and his life's tragedies. Seth could behave around him utterly natural and wasn't afraid of dropping a brick. He didn't treat Ryan as if he could break any second or as if he had let someone down, or changed into a strange something everybody was scared of. This was actually the hardest part of all: being treated entirely different although he was still the same person he used to be, at least he hoped that he still was the same. It probably was a mistake to think that his mother's death and his condition didn't affect him. The look into the mirror told him every morning that in fact, he had changed. All those changes were forced onto him and now he had to put up with them. He sometimes wished that he could forget all of it and just be the normal teenager he had once been, but he didn't give in to this illusion. He never could be. All those changes and events would always be a part of him and thus it was useless to think about how better off he could be if all of this hadn't happened.

Sometimes, Ryan noticed that Seth threw strange glances at him. Seth wasn't stupid. He must have noticed that something was wrong with Ryan, but had the decency to not ask him about it.

"Ewww…" Ryan heard Seth exclaim.

"What?" Ryan asked him looking up from his plate. He had tried to eat something but he didn't feel like eating. The fact that he had to go to his treatment alone was bothering him awfully, more than he wanted to admit to himself or anyone else. The idea of having to go there alone was giving him stomach aches. He felt as if it was the first time he had to go there, although it wasn't.

"Ryan…? Hey, what's up?" Seth pulled him out of his miserable thoughts.

"Uh…just been thinking," he answered, "so…again, what was your problem?"

"Dude, I'm worried a bit. The whole you-seem-to-be-somewhere-else-with-your-thoughts-thing is a little strange. Do you wanna talk about it?" This question struck Ryan like a sudden lightning. He didn't talk and especially he didn't talk to his class mates. He wanted to have a normal life and he was prepared to do anything necessary for keeping the last few bits which had remained left for him. Talking about his life to the other students would crush those bits as well.

"No…it's just…nothing," he decided to say.

"Well, I wanted to know which sports-class you attend. I'm just asking, because I'm not really athletic as you might have noticed by now and I'm a little scared that this is going to end in a disaster since it used to end disastrous at my old school. I mean, I'm talking to people, to a lot of those which share the courses with us. But after they've witnessed me in sports-class, they won't even offer me a sideway glance," Seth babbled nervously, nearly panicked. This guy really was traumatised by the events at his old.

"Seth, come down. I'm sure that's not going to happen. You're just having one normal sports-class, nothing else. They just want to make sure that we don't forget how to move our limbs over studying. You should have noticed by now that the focus in this school is not on any kind of physical achievements otherwise I wouldn't be here," Ryan explained to Seth honestly. In fact, on every other school Ryan might have had the disadvantage of being already suspended through his physical condition. Here, it was less of a problem.

"Okay, so what sports-class do you have? Basketball?"

"None," Ryan made it as simple as possible.

"What? Why?" Of course, now Ryan had to think about what to tell Seth without having to explain too much. Ryan found himself in a situation he had always tried to circumvent.

"I'm not allowed to, nothing serious though," he said, not sure whether this was the truth, since judging the severity of things was a matter of perspective.

"Okay, I'd say lucky you because I really hate sports, but I don't want to say anything wrong in case the reason is something after all. I just stay silent about that one." And this was already enough said. Inwardly, Ryan was relieved that Seth got the hint. The rest of the day blew over uneventfully. Seth talked to Ryan him about this and that, and it was refreshing that there was someone who talked to him about other things than school. Sometimes, Ryan got the feeling as if the other students were lacking of a private life they could talk about. Not that he, Ryan, himself had much else to talk about. He was stuck in a cage and wouldn't be let back out into the wild-life any time soon, but he surly has had more of a private life than the rest of those kids.

"Hey Ryan, would you wait for me after the last period? We can go home together then," Seth asked him.

"Uh…sorry. I have to jet to the other direction of the town," after he said that, Ryan had a bad conscience. It was obvious that Seth took such things personally, although Ryan didn't mean it that way. Ryan concluded that Seth's experience at his last school left him with no self-confidence and therefore he blamed himself if someone didn't like him, or simply had no time to hang out with him.

"Oh," there was a whole lot of disappointment swaying in Seth's reply and Ryan was furiously thinking about how to repair the damage. If Ryan hadn't had this appointment, he would have waited for Seth. He was close to ask Seth whether he would like to join him. Seth easily could distract him from the gnawing feeling others describe as fear, but Ryan was too proud to admit to himself that he was afraid. Also, Ryan was afraid of Seth's reaction if he confronted him with his situation.

"Seth, I really would, but I can't. I'm having an appointment I can't miss. We'll see us tomorrow at school. What about the weekend? I mean, I'm sure you haven't seen a lot of New York plus, you should start thinking about Christmas gifts if you want to avoid the over-crowded malls around here," Ryan suggested instead, less out of pity but rather because he wanted to get to know Seth better. He felt the urge to leave the apartment on weekends, but after all his other friends let him down he was stuck in the apartment nearly every weekend, alone.

"Yes, why not? Here, that's my cell-number. We can arrange something." Seth gave him a piece of paper. That was a start. Maybe he could make friends with someone who wouldn't let him down because he wasn't as normal as everyone else. But one day Seth might find out what was wrong with Ryan and that thought bothered him awfully. Might? Ryan was sure that Seth was going to find out. He couldn't hide it forever and Seth was smart. He watched his surroundings and the people around him. Sure, Seth soon would put one and one together and understand what was wrong with Ryan and why nobody wanted to be close friends with him anymore.

"Thanks. I'll see you tomorrow." Hopefully, Ryan thought.

"Yeah, bye," Seth replied and then rushed off to his last period. Ryan stood there, left alone with a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach. There was still a chance that, if he didn't go to the appointment, his father never found out about it. The only thing which could happen was that his father had the time to pick him up and then was told that Ryan didn't appear to the appointment. No matter what would follow after such an action, it would be bad. Ryan decided therefore that it was better to go, notwithstanding the stomach aches which got stronger with each hour with which the appointment reached closer.

Ryan wondered about himself and how he had gotten himself into this mess while he was waiting for the treatment to be over. Ryan wasn't even sure how he got there. He truly had been toying around with the idea of not going, but some kind of an imaginary power had pulled its strings and now Ryan was sitting in the cold sterile room. It was obvious that the nurse, who used to attend to him, had noticed something. She was overly friendly and Ryan felt bad about his childish behaviour. He tried his best to not to show his uneasiness about being on his own. After everything was over, he remained seated to cope with the strange feeling in his body. He had hoped that his father might occur in the doorframe, but he didn't and apparently wouldn't come to pick him up. Great. Ryan really didn't feel as good this time. It was stupid. He had never experienced any problems but now, when his father had no time, he was going to give in? This was unfair. It was worthless crying about it. He couldn't change it, neither could his Dad. He fished his cell out of his backpack and tried to find the number of a taxi-company. Of course, he hadn't saved one in his cell. He had to take the public transport no matter how angry his father was going to be when…, if he found out. Ryan got up but started to feel dizzy. He felt how he slowly lost his balance and that he couldn't do anything about it. He felt how his body started to fall but before he hit the floor, he bumped into something – someone.

"Hey kid, what'ya doing?" his Dad asked while Ryan was still leaning at his side.

"Wanted to go home," he answered wondering why his voice sounded slurred.

"I saw that. C'mon let me help you," his father replied wrapping one arm tightly around Ryan's waist and then helped him slowly to the car.

"How're you feeling?" his father asked while he was driving them home in the slow-motion traffic of New York.

"Peachy," Ryan answered in an annoyed tone. He didn't mean to be unfair to his Dad but he was frustrated about his nearly breakdown.

"Right, I can see that. We're home in five minutes," his father said sounding cool and as if he hasn't picked up Ryan's tone. But Ryan saw in his father's movements that he was far away from being cool and Ryan felt sorry for that. His father had enough on his plate. He shouldn't have to bother with him on top of it but, from time to time, it was too hard to keep up the tough façade. He was glad when they finally reached their apartment building. Again, his father wrapped an arm tightly around his waist and guided him through the entrance hall to the elevators.

"Good evening Mr. Cohen, do you need any help?" Charles the doorman asked.

"No, but thanks Charlie," his father answered and then gently dragged him along to their apartment. Ryan had no clue how he got into his bed and he had no idea how he changed into a simple t-shirt and sweatpants, but he didn't care. He was in bed and able to blank out the rest of his surroundings. That was all which mattered to him.

When Ryan opened his eyes again, it was half past ten in the evening. Some of the dizziness was gone. He still was freezing a little and his headache had come back but it wasn't as bad, or: it could have been worse. He could hear the sounds of the TV from the living room. He got up, put on an old hoodie and made his way to where his father was sitting and watching the news.

"Hey kid, what'ya making up on your feet again?" his father asked when he noticed him coming.

"Can't sleep," he answered and sat down on the couch.

"How're you feeling?"

"Better…I guess. I've been a little out of it, haven't I?" Ryan asked a little bit scared of the blankness between him getting up to the apartment and waking up in his bed.

"A little. Important is that you're better now. Are you hungry? I didn't forget the groceries today."

"Uh no, thanks. I don't feel like eating."

"Alright, but I'll make you some tea. It'll warm you from inside." And then his Dad got up, placed a throw on Ryan's lap and then went into the kitchen. When his father came back, he had a cup of tea and some dry bread for Ryan.

"Thanks," Ryan said and took the cup warming his hands a bit before he took the first sip. His glance wondered around the apartment. It was the sixth of December and there was no Christmas decoration or anything else hanging or standing around which could remind someone of Christmas. It was strange. His mother had loved Christmas. She couldn't stop decorating and singing along with all those Christmas songs on the radio when she once had started. Now there was nothing.

"Are you planning on having a Christmas tree this year?" Ryan asked although he didn't intend to.

"I'm not sure, do you want one?" his father asked him back.

"I don't know." Ryan wasn't sure. Christmas without his Mom wasn't the same anyway and why forcing it to be the same when it never could be like that again? The answer was: it felt as if that way he was forgetting his mother. On the one hand, he was grabbing for everything which could give him something from his Mom back, even if it was only a small memory which had been hidden somewhere in his mind, sometimes even slipped from it. On the other hand, it hurt being reminded of his Mom. No, what hurt was the memory of the evening when a police officer told him and his Dad that his mother died on impact, that there had been nothing they could have done for her and that she hadn't suffered. She hadn't suffered. As if this little unimportant thing could have made the fact any less bad than it already was. It all meant that he never would see his Mom again - that she was gone, forever. He felt a lump forming in his throat of which he couldn't tell whether it was the usual throat ache or the start of another cry attack.

"Hey, we'll do whatever you want, okay? Just let me know." His father suddenly sat by his side rubbing his back. Great. Today he was winning the stupid-little-cry-baby-award. He hated it.

"I don't know what I want," he answered honestly.

"I can imagine. One thing is for sure, it'll never be the same but that's no reason for why we shouldn't try to make it ourselves a little comfortable, cosy and Christmassy around here. I guess your Mom would like seeing us practicing her Christmas on," he said.

"I'm not sure."

"I know," his father mumbled, somehow lost in his own thoughts, and put an arm around Ryan's shoulder while they were watching some kind of late-night talk-show.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N.: **  
>Thank you sooo much for all those nice reviews. I feel honoured by the thoughts you've spend on my story. I hope you like this chapter. I've had quite some trouble with it and had to rewrite it 4 times. So, enjoy =)<p>

**Chapter 7:**

When he got up the next morning, he felt older than ever. He had stayed awake until his son went back to bed. He couldn't bring himself to leave him alone in the living-room. It had been one of the rare occasions in which Ryan had revealed some true emotions to him, telling him how he really felt about his Mom's loss. Sandy had always sensed that his son was hurting, but last night's conversation bore the affirmation he desperately needed so as to take better care of Ryan. Added to that, Sandy wanted to savour each second which he could spend together with his son. The time they had as father and son was limited and it was impossible to foresee when this time would end. For him, there was nothing left to do despite of waiting. Sandy had stopped believing in miracles the day his wife died. The hardest part wasn't this realisation, but keeping it away from his son. He had to stay optimistic for him so that he, at least, had a reason to fight on and maybe battle this demon. He shook off his thoughts and went into the kitchen wondering why all lights were still off which was strange. Usually, his son was already preparing his breakfast by the time he made it into the kitchen. But now it was empty and not even the smell of their morning drug, coffee, wafted through the apartment. He made his way to his son's room. The door was still closed, but he could hear the screaming alarm clock. This got him worried and his heart sped up. All scenarios of what might have happened were running through his mind. When he opened the door, his first look went to his son's bed. His son was still deep asleep. He went over to Ryan and switched off the alarm before he checked on him.

"Hey kid." He shook him gently.

"What?" his son answered. His voice sounded scratchy and his eyes were dazed.

"You overslept," Sandy said in a low and calm voice. He stroked over his son's forehead, checking his temperature. His son's skin was cold to the touch, too cold, in fact. Still, it was better that way.

"What? Oh shit," his son groaned sleepily. Within a split second Sandy decided that Ryan looked way too miserable and too weak for going to school. The last day's treatment had taken its toll on him.

"I think, you'd better stay at home today," he said calmly, putting a hand reassuringly on his son's back. There was no need for overstraining his already weak son. He had to save his energy.

"Dad, c'mon I have to," Ryan insisted. He started to slowly crawl out of bed. It was obvious that this was a futile attempt. Ryan's body was shaking awfully and his was unsteady on his feet.

"You don't have to. You're wellbeing is more important than anything else," Sandy tried to sooth his son.

"Dad, I'm fine." And here he was again: his awfully guarded son, who couldn't admit that he was sick although he evidently was. How much did he enjoy last evening when his son had opened up to him not hiding how affected he was by all this.

"You're not. You've been miserable yesterday and you're still not much better. You need a day of rest," Sandy started to negotiate. Well, there was nothing to negotiate about. The decision was already made.

"Dad, you don't understand. I wanted to show Seth some parts of New York this weekend."

"Ryan, we're talking about today, about one day rest. When you're better tomorrow, there's no reason why you shouldn't hang out with your new friend," he tried to persuade his son. As glad as he was that his son had found a new friend, he also feared the potential of disappointment this friendship bore for Ryan. From past experiences Sandy knew that his son's condition forced nasty reactions to the surface of most teenagers in his son's age. Ryan had been shunned as soon as he had to stop going out at nights for partying, or after he had to drop out of the basketball team. These had been the hardest back lashes of all, and there had been several ones since the diagnosis. Sandy was afraid that Ryan wouldn't take it well if it happened again. His son's sigh brought him back to reality.

"Okay?" he asked his son again.

"Not really," his son muttered suppressing a yawning. Looking at his son, Sandy realised that he had made the right decision, but convincing Ryan of it was another matter.

"I know. This sucks, but it'll only get worse if you force yourself to more activities than you can actually take. I mean, one day, what's that? I promise, tomorrow you'll feel better." Sandy hoped that he could keep his promise. If not, he was ready to put up with his son's charges if it meant that he was securing his son's wellbeing.

"Okay," his son finally gave in and sat back down on the bed. Sandy sat down next to him.

"Don't be sad. You know, a lot of kids would be grateful for a day off school," he tried to take the seriousness from the situation.

"Yeah, when they're healthy, but who likes to be sick and alone at home?" His son had a point and once again he had to acknowledge that, apparently, it was impossible to placate Ryan with easy words like those he had just said.

"That's true. But you'll lie back down and won't get up until you've slept it off. I'll call your school and let them know that you won't come in today." Sandy got up and waited for his son to crawl back under the covers. As soon as Ryan lay on his side, curled up into a small ball, he was deep asleep. Sandy slightly stroke over his son's cold cheek and then made his way to the office. He felt uneasy about leaving his sick son alone at home, but he couldn't call in sick too. His new boss would kill him if he did. How could it be possible that such a beautiful, perfect creature was such a heartless beast? Okay, whether she was heartless, wasn't proven yet. Still, according to her first impression on him, he had no doubts that she was capable of eating little children. She was awfully dominant, reluctant to listen to his concerns and in the nerve-killing need of demonstrating to everyone how well she was informed. How could she call him fatuous in a meeting in front of all people, only because he was the only one being aware of the risks in case the parent company didn't jump in to help? He also had no idea how to convince her. All she saw were facts and figures and her father, who prohibited her to even think about him as financial aid. She had no idea about the legal practice and that in those times courts tended to extend their practice of lifting the veil.

He had to find a way of making this woman comprehend the seriousness of the situation. He was glad that he wouldn't have to meet her that day. This meant: enough time to think about a new strategy. Maybe he could coax her out of her strict business domain and lure her onto a more personal territory. Maybe she would be more open to his suggestions then. He wondered why the heck he was that interested in this company. He never had been, but from the very moment this gorgeous woman entered the stage, his mind started playing tricks on him. The telephone ringing pulled him out of his meditation.

"Sandy Cohen?" he answered the call.

"_Mr. Cohen, it's Kirsten Nichol speaking,_" her voice sounded a little uneasy through the telephone, as if she was uncomfortable calling him.

"Oh…hello. I didn't expect your call. What's the matter?" He put on the mask of mere friendliness. Well, what did mask mean? It was a semi-mask, because one undeniable part of him loved talking, and especially, seeing this woman. The rational part of him sensed that this woman was dangerous in more than one meaning: she was a cruel boss and could make him forget the line between personal life and business. She could get him into serious trouble. She was a dangerous thing to him.

"_I know, but I found some entries in the accounting books I need to talk to you about._"

"And how can I help you with this?" he asked her. He could hear the insecurity in her voice. This could be his chance of persuading her from his ideas.

"_I need someone who tells me what has happened to the money, which was spent. I don't even understand what it was spent for,_" she explained to him. Sandy was impressed. She was admitting a weakness and thus the whole impression he had received turned out to be…wrong. She wasn't pathologically proud and self-opinionated, but an honest person. He had misjudged her. In fact, she was an honourable woman and Sandy knew that this was making it even harder for him to refrain from his desire for getting engaged into a new relationship. She matched, with each day a little more. The fight was tough, but he couldn't give in. He had to think about his son and his wife. He was in no position to start on a new relationship. He felt ready for it, though.

"Well, for telling you that I need to see the entries myself," he answered plainly.

"_I know…Could you have a look at it…today?_" she asked him cautiously. He had been so glad that he wouldn't have to meet her that day and now? On the other hand, the circumstances had changed, Mrs Nichol had changed, and who knew? This meeting contained some actual potential of being quite pleasant.

"_Mr. Cohen?_" Her voice tore him out of his inner dispute.

"Yeah, still there. I'm scanning through my schedule to see if there's a free slot for today," he answered her. He was playing on time. He had no other appointment for that day, "Uhm,.… how about noon. We can have lunch together," he replied having his plan already in mind. This woman, a little away from her business-terrain, could be very charming, in addition to her beauty. He shook his head. He was too old for being distracted from his actual job like a teenager.

"_Uh…okay, how about twelve?_"

"I'll pick you up."

"_Thank you and …bye,_" and then the call was finished. He felt his cheeks burn slightly. He was happy about meeting this woman a little out of their usual business-setting, and wondered whether she would open up a little. He should be ashamed of himself. He was a widow and a father. He was supposed to be concerned about his son instead of his love-life.

He had trouble to hide the subtle nervousness which had burgeoned inside of him, while he was waiting for Mrs Nichol.

"Good to see you. I can't express how glad I am that you found the time to meet me that soon," she said the second she saw him.

"No problem, where did you plan on having lunch?" he asked her.

"I have no idea, so I guess I need to rely on your expertise," she said with a shy smile. His eyes were glued to her beauty. He had trouble keeping his eyes off of her. He led her to a small restaurant. It was one of his favourites because it wasn't crowded and the prices were convenient. Also, they could sit in a corner in which they could talk more privately without being disturbed by nosy others looking over their shoulders and onto the screens of their notebooks.

"So, what entries were you talking about?" Sandy started talking business, notwithstanding that he wanted to ask her all kinds of indiscreet questions, for example: what she liked to do after work.

"Here." She handed him the accounting books.

"Oh dear! Sorry, but I don't understand what has happened there either," he admitted.

"What do you mean?"

"That I need some more time and maybe the help of one of my colleagues, who's an expert on this field," he replied.

"Is it very bad?" Sandy's head shot up. She was insecure. She was sitting there and fidgeted with the ring on her finger, a sure sign of pure insecurity.

"I'm afraid so. It's always a bad sign if you can't trace back the flow of money," he answered honestly.

"Oh my God. This sounds as if there's no other way than winding up the company, right?" she sighed and then buried her face in her hands. What was that? Defeat? Weakness?

"What's wrong? I thought you knew about this. I mean, when I tried to warn you, you seemed to be indifferent and already in the know about them," he couldn't refrain from reminding her of their previous meetings and the way she did behave back then.

"I know. I know…it's just…I just moved here and if this subsidiary is being wound up, I'll probably have to move back to Newport," she opened up to him showing so many emotions through her eyes that he was impressed of how she was capable of acting like an ice-cold business woman. He, for his part, did like this less icy, but rather warm-hearted woman more.

"And why do you want to prevent that?"

"That has several reasons," she snapped at him. He had found the sore point, which made her turn into the feared ice-queen.

"Sorry, I didn't intent to be indiscreet," he apologised.

"Uh…sorry, I shouldn't have reacted like that. It's…you know in Newport everybody knows everything. It's strange talking to someone who actually has no idea. But in a few words: it isn't very easy to move from one city to another one with a sixteen years old son in tow. I'm just worried that, after I dragged him here more or less violently, he might not want to come back with me. He already started making friends around here," she explained to him. Single mother? That was nice. Someone he could talk to when his teenager was running riot again, although this would never happen again, at least not too soon.

"Teenage boys… You don't have to tell me more. I'm well aware of the emotional ups and downs," he answered trying to sound jokingly.

"You're a father? I wouldn't have guessed that," she exclaimed. What was that supposed to mean? He started to worry that it was visible to everyone that he was on the verge of desperation in his role as father from time to time.

"I'm not such a bad father," he replied in defence.

"I didn't imply that. I tended to think of single fathers as chaotic and unorganised people."

"What makes you think that I'm a single parent?"

"You're not wearing a ring." Sandy was flattered. She must have watched him quite carefully if she had noticed that. He couldn't respond with words but the heat, which rushed through him, let his body respond - he blushed.

"Sorry, I didn't want to pace you."

"Uh.…no you didn't…it's…I mean it's obvious isn't it?" And suddenly both of them were insecure towards one and another.

Later that day, Sandy made his way home. His son not being well this morning had scared him and he had to get home as soon as possible. He didn't want to leave him alone for too long when he was not well enough to even get out of bed.

When he entered the apartment, he noticed that the lights were switched on. His son must have gotten up, so he must have felt better at some point of the day. He entered the kitchen and met his son sitting at the kitchen table working on his homework or assignment.

"Hey kid," he greeted him. His son's head shot up. He must have scared his son a little, who didn't seem to have noticed that his father had come home.

"Uh…hey. Sorry, I didn't count on you at this time of the day," he said.

"I know. How'ya feeling?" Sandy asked his son.

"Better, took a while but finally I'm better than this morning," his son answered.

"That's good. How about I'm taking care of dinner today?"

"Always a good idea, but why are you thinking about dinner already?" his son asked him curiously.

"Just asking," Sandy answered when he caught himself being far away with his thoughts. He couldn't stop thinking about this woman and he doubted that he ever could.

"Uhm…Dr. Walters called. Wanted to talk to you," his son mentioned as if it was some irrelevant fact. Sandy sighed in frustration. When would his son take his condition a little more serious?

"Thanks for mentioning it. What did he want?"

"How shall I know? I'm only the sick one around here. Nobody talks to me," his son replied in a well audible annoyed tone.

"Probably, because you're still underage and I can imagine that you'd suppress info you're not fond of," he responded while his son was rolling his eyes. He took a deep breath. The mentioning of the phone call got him worried once again and the easiness with which he had entered the apartment was vanished. He went to his bedroom to change into a more comfortable outfit. He passed by the music room. Several sheets of music were spread on top of the piano. Apparently, his son had been busy working on his music. Frustration arose inside of Sandy. His son was supposed to rest. He shouldn't waste his energy on a hobby. In an instant, even the remaining bits of his good mood were blown away. When he returned to the kitchen, Ryan was still brooding over his homework.

"How long did you practice today?" Sandy asked his son as inconspicuously as possible.

"Uh…dunno. Maybe two, maybe three…"

"Maybe two, maybe three… what? Minutes?" Sandy was irritated.

"Hours…what's the matter?" Ryan had caught his bad mood and now was responding to it in his rude voice. His son should know that he was in no shape for practicing that long.

"I told you to rest. Instead you're wasting your energy over a hobby. That's not okay," Sandy made his point clear.

"What the fuck…? What's your problem?" Ryan asked him confused, got up and now stood in the kitchen facing Sandy. Ryan obviously didn't understand what was happening. Sandy couldn't tell why he had to vent his anger. He couldn't even tell where this anger so suddenly came from. It was there and it wanted to be let out. There was no way he could suppress this feeling. Probably this was why he didn't realise what he was doing.

"I'm not the one having a problem. I simply try to keep your problems as small as possible. I do all in my power to help you and that's how you're thanking me?" Sandy screamed.

"Great! I never asked you to!" Ryan screamed grabbing his books and notepads, ready to leave the kitchen.

"I never wanted to!" Sandy screamed back into his son's face. If he had been capable of thinking, he would have done so. But he hadn't been and the words flowed out of his mouth like water out of a fountainhead.

"Know what? Now, I do understand Mom and why she had been so fed up with you," Ryan spat in his cold steely voice. Sandy felt as if someone slapped him with all mistakes he had done over the past years into his face. He watched his son storming out of the kitchen. He brushed off the shock and followed him.

"Ryan!" he started pleading. He didn't mean what he had said, at least not that way. His son slammed the door shut. Sandy didn't hesitate and opened it again, following his son.

"Ryan I'm sorry. I…"

"You're coming home and the first thing you do is venting your anger on me. That's not fair. Since Mom's gone it's me who's on the receiving end of your outbursts!" his son screamed again, cutting him off midsentence.

"I'm sorry. But I'm worried about you," Sandy pleaded for forgiveness. He had never meant to insult his son the way he did. It wasn't Ryan's fault and he shouldn't let it out on him.

"The only thing you're worried about is you reputation and that I might not turn into an academic like you. Music means nothing to you, but it does to me as it did to Mom." And that was exactly what Sandy feared: that, one day, his son would get lost in this fantasy-world of music his Mom got lost in as well. Sandy had to prevent that from happening. It'd only hurt his son and he couldn't bear the thought that his son would get hurt any further. Only his son didn't understand him and Sandy didn't know how to make his son understand his reasoning.

"That's not true," Sandy tried to get out of the mess he had landed himself in.

"Don't even try to placate me. I know what you said and I know that it's the truth,… somehow. I'm sorry for being such a burden and I'm sorry that I can't change that or myself." While his son said these words, Sandy saw tears glistening in his son's eyes. There was a sting drilling through his heart and it hurt. It hurt awfully and it felt as if something inside of him got shattered into tiny little pieces jabbing his flesh.

"Ryan…," Sandy said, spreading his arms ready to envelope his son in a strong hug, but his son backed away. He had to make this right again. He had to show his son that…What actually did he want to show his son? That what Ryan had implied wasn't true? His wife has left him in quite a mess and now he had to put up with it –alone. Suddenly, he started to hate his wife for what she had done to him, for what she had done to her son and for leaving the two of them alone.

"Leave," his son blocked his attempt of parenting.

"Ryan…," Sandy started, desperately pleading. How could this day end in such a mess?

"Please." Sandy backed off and then left his son. He went into the living room and dropped down on the sofa, burying his face in his hands. How could all this have gone so awfully wrong?


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N:  
><strong>**Thanks for the lovely reviews. I really do appriciate them and feel honoured by the time and thoughts you've invested on this story =)  
><strong>

**Chapter 8:**

After she has had lunch with Mr. Cohen, she went back to her office with the certainty in the back of her head that there was someone who was going to solve the subsidiary's problem. She felt as if she could rely on this man. He had such a peaceful and trustworthy aura, which was why he was so dangerous. It was easy to fall for this man, but she couldn't. She was done with men and not yet ready to start a new relationship. Actually, she doubted that she could ever be ready for one again. What Jimmy had done to her and her son had hurt too much as if she could give in to another man's peaceful and trustworthy aura once again. But she couldn't deny that this man had made her curious. What kind of man was raising a teenager on his own? Her husband never had wanted to deal with his son, especially not after the divorce. Mr. Cohen was different. He was a single father who didn't complain about being one. For him, it even seemed to be important to pass as a good father. They had a lot in common: being single and having to put up with the hormonal induced tantrums of teenage boys. They both took their jobs seriously and worked as professional as possible. He made it too easy for her to give in, but she had to stay tough. She couldn't allow herself to make the same mistake twice.

"Hello, Ms. Nichol, how was lunch?" her secretary asked her.

"It was good, thanks Stacy. Uh…could you do me a favour?" she asked Stacy.

"Of course."

"Do we have Mr. Cohen's vita?" She asked on an impulse. Usually, her professionalism hindered her from being indiscreet, but an inner force was taking control over her.

"Uh…I don't know. But I'll see whether I can find out about it," Stacy answered.

"Mr. Cohen?" she heard the elderly lady from the reception ask, "Poor guy. Lost his wife a year ago and now has to handle his son on his own. Believe me, but something's not quite right with this kid. I can't tell you how often Mr. Cohen had to cancel meetings because of his son. Probably didn't take the loss of his mother well or something," the lady started the gossip. Newport had taught Kirsten how to ignore remarks like those. But this time she listened carefully because if Newport had taught her another important thing, then it was that gossip always contained a glimpse of truth.

"Amanda, I don't think that this is what Ms. Nichol is interested in," Stacy intervened. Kirsten had to hide how much she was actually interested in this, more than she should be and more than it was good for her.

"I'm just saying. If Mr. Cohen storms out of a meeting, then it's because of his son. Someone told me that this kid is supposed to be one of those gifted kids. Just strange that he can't stay alone at home during an evening, isn't it? There's something foul and I'm quite sure that there's some skeleton in Mr. Cohen's closet and as soon as I've found out about it, I'll let you know. Who wants to work together with someone who keeps creepy secrets?" Amanda went on.

"I think, I've heard enough Amanda," laughing, Kirsten cut the elderly lady off.

"Could you find Mr. Cohen's vita for me, though?" she asked Stacy once again.

"Of course, Ms. Nichol," Stacy answered her and then Kirsten left for her office, deep in thoughts about this man. He had lost his wife? Did this mean that his wife was dead? She started to feel awful about her comment and hoped she hadn't offended Mr. Cohen with her rude behaviour. She didn't even know where that came from - as if she wanted to check whether this man was still up for grabs. Eww…,that was embarrassing. This was a bad nightmare. She was truly behaving like a teenager. She had to stop that. She had to focus on her company and her son. That was all that mattered, nothing else. She heard a knock on the door.

"Yes?" she replied.

"Ms. Nichol, here's the vita you asked for." At these words her heart started pounding hard against her chest and her pulse sped up. She already felt heat welling up inside of her. This was the characteristic heat teenagers felt when they were confronted with their crush. At this realisation her cheeks started to burn. She felt embarrassed about being so girlish.

"Oh…yes, thank you Stacy." She took the folder. She worked hard on keeping her hand from trembling. As soon as Stacy left and closed the door behind her, Kirsten opened the folder. The first thing she noticed: this man was only four years older. What the heck did she need that information for? She wouldn't fall for this man. She had made a decision: no men in her life for the next few decades. She read on and started to be impressed: Berkeley. Huh? They had actually been at the same college.

She put the folder aside. She didn't know what she was supposed to do. She was confused, emotionally confused and that scared her. She never had been that confused in her entire life. She had to go inside herself and find out what she really wanted, and she had to talk to her son…if she decided to…but she wouldn't decide to…or would she? Nothing seemed to be wrong and nothing seemed to be right anymore. Suddenly, everything seemed to be possible. Denial wasn't a working tool this time. What she felt for Mr. Cohen was something new, something she had never felt before, not even when she fell in love with Jimmy. Her emotions were too intense. She longed for getting to know this man better, for spending some more time with him. She was fighting the urge to let her longing out onto the surface. It could be so easy if she gave in to it. But realising that Mr. Cohen was a man just like the others and not as special as she assumed him to be could become such a painful experience and she wasn't sure whether she had the strength to live through such an experience anew.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Meanwhile:<strong>_

Seth sat at home, staring at the screen of his computer. He was bored and he was alone, two facts which didn't make him happy. It was already past seven in the evening and his Mom hadn't come home yet. He should have known that his Mom was incapable of breaking her bad habit of working long hours. He sighed. He was depressed. The move didn't turn out to be the life-changer which he was in a desperate need for. Not a lot had changed. He wasn't being bullied at school anymore, but besides of that he was still the same geeky loner who sat alone at home,being bored out of his mind. A blinking symbol on the left bottom corner of his screen told him that Ryan had gone online. Seth debated with himself whether he should IM him or not. Ryan probably was not in the mood for conversations. On the other hand, if he didn't want to talk, why did he get logged in? Seth decided to give it a shot. This was better than brooding.

_**TheSethMan**: Hey! How r u?,_ Seth typed. Then he waited, waited for someone reacting on his message.

_**RyCo**: better. thx. u?_ Seth got a reaction! There was someone, who actually didn't ignore him. He was interacting with someone of his age. He was interacting with someone, who went to his school, outside of school. That was unbelievable!

_**TheSethMan**: I'm fine. School's hard, though,_ Seth answered. The pile to his left, consisting of homework and assignments, didn't shrink over the past few hours and Seth doubted it would do so over the weekend.

_**RyCo**: know what u mean. working on biology... it's tough_, Ryan responded and Seth was relieved that at least one person felt the same about the homework. Maybe he wasn't as stupid as he thought he was.

_**TheSethMan**: I'd offer u help, but I didn't understand it either..._, this could have been his chance to earn a new friendship. Why biology? Couldn't it have been math? He was good in math. He was even good at physics, but biology? Damn!

_**RyCo**: need to get it done on my own anyway, but thx. _Seth didn't know what to respond to this message and hence didn't respond at all. The whole conversation was stiff and once again, Seth noticed that Ryan wasn't very communicative. He could be nearly described as mute and Seth couldn't tell the reason for that. Was it him? Was he too open? Was he babbling too much? Was his personality the reason for why he hadn't had any friends? Panic welled up inside of him and he wished he never had started this conversation.

_**RyCo**: sorry, not in the mood for chatting 2night. c u 2morrow_, after that Ryan was offline again and Seth felt confirmed in his previous assumption. See you tomorrow, very funny. Seth was quite sure that he was going to spend his Saturday alone with his homework. In an instant Seth grew angry; angry about himself and that he had let himself in to this fairytale called friendship, and angry because again someone thought he could take the piss out of him. Great! Seth slammed his fist onto his desk, taking in the burning sensation of pain which covered up the pain he felt inside.

* * *

><p>With Mr. Cohen still being on her mind, she made her way home only to find her son sitting distraught at the kitchen table.<p>

"Hey honey," she greeted him, immediately knowing that something was wrong with him.

"Hey," he said not even looking at her, while he was doing his homework.

"What's wrong?" she asked and put her briefcase down before she put the kettle on the stove to boil some water for a relaxing and refreshing cup of tea. She needed it. She had to sort out her emotions and thoughts. She had to make a plan of how to proceed on in Mr. Cohen's case.

"Nothing," her son replied to her absently. She shook off her thoughts. Another teenage drama was awaiting her and she had to concentrate on that one.

"Seth? You've been quite happy the last two days and now you're apparently being miserable. C'mon, tell me! What happened?" She knew about the hormonal mood swings which puberty caused. One second, the kids were overly excited and in the next one, they were totally depressed.

"Ryan wasn't in school today and then he's been online, but behaved totally awkward towards me," her son answered her, not looking up from his book. When would her son stop taking everything personally? There were so many reasons for something like that.

"Maybe he's sick and not feeling well," she suggested.

"It's true. He is sick, but that doesn't explain his strange instant messages. Know what? I don't even believe that he'll show me around New York tomorrow." Kirsten sighed.

"Seth, you shouldn't take it personally if someone has to cancel a get-together because of illness. Nobody can foresee whether he'll get ill or not," she tried to sooth her son's fears.

"I bet, he never meant to show me around New York," Seth spat, "This weekend he's sick, next weekend he has to visit his relatives and so on," her son went on explaining his track of thoughts. She sat down next to Seth. She had made a big mistake sendinghim to Harbor High. All she had wanted was to provide him with an education that suited him, and now she was faced with the results: this school had taken away all of his self-confidence. She never realised how insecure her son had become, until now.

"Seth, why would he do that to you?" she asked Seth. Not every teenager had to be like those in Newport. In fact, she was convinced that most teenagers were different from those Newport-kids. The problem was: how to explain that to her son?

"Mom, you have so no idea what you're talking about," her son scolded her and then stormed off to his room, slamming the door shut. Kirsten went after her son. She sensed what caused the outburst. She needed to know from her son, though.

"Seth?" she called before she entered her son's room, where she found him lying face down on his bed. She sat down next to him, patting his back gently to let him know that she was ready to listen to whatever was on his mind. Her son didn't react and stayed mute against all her hopes.

"Seth, honey, if you want me to help you, you need to tell me what the problem is," she tried to get through to him, but Seth only moaned in annoyance.

"C'mon Seth," she said, nudged his arm and waited patiently for a response. After a while her son sat up.

"You want to know what the problem is? Nobody wants to hang out with a weird geek like me. And do you also know why? Because nobody likes people like me. Not even my Dad likes me because I'm not athletic enough and way too geeky for my own good. Why else should he be so proud of these brainless girls he calls his daughters? And why else does he pretend to never have time for me? If not even my own father likes me, how are strangers supposed to do so?" Seth asked. His jaw quivered as if he was on the verge of tears.

"Oh sweetie, I know this is hard for you and I can't even apologise for what your father is doing, since this isn't to be apologised. But I hope you can believe me when I say that you're not geeky and that you're not weird. Sure, there will always be people who are stupid enough to judge and shun you because of your flaws, and I'm sorry that you had to experience it in such a hard way. But I'm sure that not everybody is like those you met in Newport. Take Ryan for an example. He showed you around at your new school, he introduced you to his friends, he brought you home without bullying you later on about it, you meet up with him in the subway and he offered you to show you New York. For me, this doesn't seem to be a mere trick. How do you act around someone you don't like?" she tried to calm down her son, who was now crying in her arms. She had known that all of this had been too much for him: the bullying at his old school, his father's negligence and disapproval, the divorce and the related mud-wrestling, the move to New York and now his new school. She held her son as tightly as she could. She didn't want him falling apart because of this. At the same time, she was relieved that he was opening up to her. It showed her that, at least, she hadn't entirely failed as a mother, but actually had done some things right. Her son trusted her and that was important to her. Her son was the most important person in her life. She couldn't bear it if he didn't trust her.

"Seth, I'm sure all of this is just a series of unfortunate events. Remember, you said yourself that Ryan didn't look healthy to you," she reminded him of what he'd told her about this Ryan.

"I know, but I didn't mean the cold-kind-of-sick, but the different kind." Seth struggled out of her embrace rubbing with the palms over his red and puffy eyes. This differentiation got her worried a bit, but for her son sniffles were a life-threatening disease so she didn't bother to ask further on.

"Nevertheless, there's no reason for being so distrustful towards him," she told Seth and he nodded. At least there was no reason until that point of time.

"I know…it's just…everything's new and…with Ryan it's like we've always known each other and that is meant in a totally not-gay way, if you know what I mean." She nodded laughingly, glad that her son had found back to himself that fast after his breakdown.

"And it was so difficult to approach the others without Ryan today, even though they didn't shoo me away or called me names or did anything else to me. It's great to realise that there are actual people who like you, but it's rough – going through this all alone," her son told her.

"Never forget, you are not alone. I'm there for you each hour of the day, all days of the year, no matter what's bothering you. I also do think that there's a real friendship developing between you and Ryan, but it needs time."

"Yeah, but I'm an awfully impatient person and I'm afraid that I'm doing something wrong and scare them away from me only through something I've said or done."

"You won't only meet friends. There will always be people who don't like you out of which reason ever, as well as there will be people you don't like without special reason. But as long as you aren't mean to others, aren't violating their dignity, privacy or rights, and as long as you can apologise in case you involuntarily did so, things should be fine," she tried to explain to him the complexity of interpersonal relationships. She certainly was no expert on this field either. Her confusion about Mr. Cohen made that very clear to her, but she couldn't leave her son without any parental advice.

"I know, but if you have friends for the first time in your life, you're really afraid of losing them, because it's so easy losing friends if you're me," he answered.

"If I was you?! Stop talking like that. You have the same rights like all others and you're not any different from them. And if you are, then it is because you are a very intelligent, handsome, polite, caring and loving boy - nearly-man. Understood? You have to stand up for yourself and show the others that you're strong and tough. I know you can do that. Don't make yourself a target for others by showing them your insecurity. You have no reason to be insecure. I know that deep down in your heart, you're a very self-confident. You only need to force that onto the surface," she encouraged him to hold his head up high.

"Thanks Mom," her son answered.

"What for?"

"Supporting me and stuff…you know," her son tried to cut off the situation which was obviously embarrassing him. One last time, she ruffled through his hair and then gave him some space to sort out his thoughts and emotions, which was exactly what she had to do as well. The image of Mr. Cohen and what she had learned about him today wouldn't leave her mind voluntarily and she needed to decide whether she should throw it out of her mind or treasure it there.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N:  
><strong>**A very big thanks for your reviews, although the last chapter didn't contain any Ryan. I hope you'll like this one more! I did correct a small mistake, since Kirsten can't know that Ryan has lost his mother. Thanks to the anonymous reviewer who made me aware of this mistake.  
><strong>

**Chapter 9:**

Seth waited excitedly in front of his apartment building. In fact, he had been astonished that Ryan didn't cancel their trip through New York.

"Hey! Sorry, I'm late," he heard Ryan from behind him. He turned around. Ryan walked towards him fighting the chilly atmosphere of New York's winter.

"Yeah…no, it's cool. I didn't expect you to be up for being my today's travel-guide. I mean, after you haven't been in the mood for chatting yesterday…," he replied noticing the way Ryan ducked his head. Was this Ryan's usual way of walking, or his way of protecting his face from the icy wind? Seth couldn't tell.

"Sorry, I didn't want…to make you feel bad or anything…I just didn't feel well yesterday…had a bad day…that just happens sometimes," Ryan muttered. Seth felt guilty for having mentioned his assumption. He was about to apologise for it, but Ryan cut him off: "So, what do you want to see?" he asked him brushing off the awkwardness between them.

"Uh…I dunno. I haven't seen anything except the school," Seth answered.

"Uh…that's bad. New York is tiny a little bit too big for showing you all its sights on one day. We need to reduce it to the necessities," Ryan explained to him jokingly with a lopsided smile on his face.

"And what would you consider as "necessities"?" Seth asked. He really had no idea. He should have browsed through the guide book his Mom had bought before their move.

"I don't know…uhm…I think it depends on what you are interested in. So, what are you interested in?"

"I dunno. Nothing in particular, I guess," Seth replied, well aware that he was lying. He was afraid of letting Ryan know the truth. If he knew that he was into comics, he would drop him like a hot potato. He was too old for this crap, but he couldn't refrain from it either. This was bad, really bad.

"C'mon, everybody is interested in something. Let me guess,…it's something about arts?" Ryan started coaxing the secret out of him and Seth was astonished at how closely Ryan must have listened to him if he remembered his interest for arts.

"There's nothing, seriously," he tried to make Ryan stop asking questions though. He raked his brains for something he could convincingly come up with, without letting to many details slip.

"Okay Seth, I have no idea what those guys at your old school did to you or didn't do to you, but it must've been bad because otherwise, I can't explain to myself why you are being so diffident."

"I am not diffident," Seth protested defiantly. He didn't want to appear brisk, but he needed to cut this off. He didn't want to be alone again only because everybody knew about his strange hobby.

"Alright, then I'll just pick something and if you don't like it, it's your problem," Ryan decided indifferently. But still, Seth noticed the slight undertone of annoyance in his friend's voice and immediately regretted his behaviour. He needed to get out of his shell of distrust. But how? How was he supposed to know if Ryan would accept him the way he was? Who was he to tell whether Ryan would accept his hobby? He was too afraid to give it a try.

He couldn't bear the thought that, other than his Mom usually told him, it was his and not the others' fault that he had no friends. It was hard to open up to others if you never benefitted from it, but got punished instead. As quickly as Seth' and Ryan's argument had started, it was forgotten and Ryan showed Seth around New York. They went to Liberty Island and afterwards Ryan showed him some expositions, which weren't that bad. After a while, they sought refuge from the cold in one of the many cafés. They settled into a booth, both nursing a cup of coffee and a sandwich, as an awkward silence spread across them. Seth didn't talk to Ryan about himself and Ryan didn't talk Seth about himself either. The topics of their conversations were reduced to school and the sights they've just been visiting. Seth had never imagined that building up a friendship could be so difficult, but he realised that, if he wanted this friendship to work, he had to eventually open up to Ryan. Seth was just too scared for doing so. He had never shared anything about his life with anyone else. Solely his Mom knew about it. How was he supposed to open up to someone he had only known for a few days?

"So…what brought you to New York?" Ryan asked him after a while and Seth was left with no choice than starting to open up if he wanted to answer this question honestly.

"Basically, my Mom's job," he answered as honestly as he could while leaving out his Mom's desire to start a new life after his father let them down in the worst manner someone could let his family down: by creating his personal, perfect, pretty designer-family and pushing away his former family, letting them –his Mom and him – fall apart.

"What does your Mom do?" Ryan asked him and Seth, for the first time, felt how good it felt talking about his own life to someone who could probably better relate to his thoughts than his Mom. Still, Seth feared that Ryan would soon be annoyed be him. This fear sank its teeth into him like a tick.

"She's the head of a construction company around here," Seth responded.

"And she just took the job and dragged you to this place?"

"That's basically what she did," Seth explained to Ryan who obviously wasn't impressed by the motives which made Seth land in New York.

"And you didn't have a say in it, or did you come voluntarily?" Seth figured that Ryan didn't comprehend how Seth's Mom could just decide to move to another city without asking him first.

"Nope. My Mom just decided that she needed a new start in life and took me with her, although, I guess, I needed this new start myself. Things at home weren't peachy at all and I was in dear need of a change too. If I think back, my whole being angry about the move was a lie because there was actually nothing in California making me want to stay there," Seth started to ramble. It was a bad habit and as hard as he tried to break it, he never succeeded. He had told himself to shut up and now he was neglecting his own rules because it felt good to talk to someone his own age.

"Yeah, it might be, but at least they could have asked you if you was okay with that," Ryan added and he was glad that Ryan wasn't scared away by his talkativeness. Only now, he noticed that it was him doing all the talking. He hoped that Ryan was the silent type of person and that he wasn't preventing Ryan from getting a word in.

"What do you mean by 'them'?" Seth asked after he finally realised what Ryan had said.

"Well, your parents," Ryan answered him a little cautiously and Seth didn't understand why Ryan was acting so wary.

"Uh…only my Mom decided that we have to move to New York. My Dad didn't care at all," he said, not even thinking about what he was saying. Talking to Ryan was easy and Seth felt comfortable while doing so, too.

"Your Dad follows your Mom's instructions just like that?" Ryan was obviously confused.

"Uh…sorry, no," Seth answered meekly after he realised what he had said and started blushing. He didn't want to talk about this part of his past in first place. This was his business, but because of his fast mouth he had slipped up and now had to explain.

"Okay, I think I lost track of the reasons, but it's on you to decide whether you want to tell me," Ryan stepped back from the interrogation leaving Seth space to think about whether to tell or not to tell.

"Ryan, you need to promise me not to make fun of me or tell this around, okay?"

"Why would I tell anyone?" Ryan replied, visibly puzzled about Seth's reaction.

"Just…well, my parents got divorced and my Mom was really mad and couldn't stay in the same state as my Dad and so we landed here," Seth finally let it out.

"Oh, that sounds rough," Ryan replied.

"It was, but I think moving here was the right thing to do after all what happened."

"Don't you miss your Dad?" Ryan asked him. Seth gulped loudly on his coffee.

"Uh…not really. We didn't have the best relationship. I dunno, I wasn't good enough for him and he never passed up an opportunity to remind me of that. Now, he has his new designer-family and doesn't even look at me anymore," Seth felt relieved while talking freely to someone his age – to someone, who might understand what he was feeling.

"Oh shit…," Ryan replied muted, ducking his head. Apparently Ryan felt insecure about this topic.

"But now I'm here and I'm optimistic that things will improve here," Seth added to his story. He didn't want his story to deter Ryan, so he had to let him know that he had put his past behind.

"But also here you may still find a bunch of assholes and dumb asses, even at our school," Ryan tempered Seth's hopes. Then they fell in some sort of silence again.

"What are your parents doing?" Seth asked after a while. He had to show Ryan that he wasn't self-centred.

"My Dad's a lawyer and…uh…my…Mom died a year ago," Ryan answered him shrugging his shoulders as if it was plumb forgotten. Still, this answer hit Seth hard. He knew that divorces were popular these days, and he knew a lot of guys his age who had to deal with it, but he never thought that there were actually people with dead parents.

"Sorry," was all he could say.

"It's okay, not your fault." And now heavy silence wrapped them in and Seth started to feel a little uncomfortable. Ryan didn't act as Seth would expect someone to act who had just lost his mother. Ryan seemed…indifferent and that felt wrong to Seth.

"Well, after we've been talking about the dark sides of our lives, do you think you can tell me what you're really interested in?" Ryan asked him finally, switching the topic and the atmosphere instantly.

"Graphic novels."

"What?!" Ryan exclaimed. And here it was: disbelieve and disapproval.

"Yeah I know, it's lame, I'm too old and that's something for little kids, blah blah blah. Sorry, but that's me and I don't understand why people act as if it was some sort of crime. I mean, what difference does it make to water-polo or cars or anything else? At least, graphic novels can be considered as arts. In the future, they will form a significant part of our cultural life and people will read about it in their history books…"

"Seth calm down!" Ryan cut him off, "You got me all wrong. After the fuss you made about it, I thought you were interested in something pervert like…'Fifty Shades of Grey' stuff. I mean, not that I've read that book…in fact, I'd never touch something like that, but I can't tell you how glad I am that you said comics. And who told you that comics are lame and only for little kids? I mean, would you let your kids read anything beyond Mickey Mouse?" Seth was surprised that the person sitting across from him not only knew something about graphic novels, but even did respect him. Okay, at some point of time he would have to explain to Ryan the differences between graphic novel and comic, but that was only a small solvable problem. But still there was one thing:

"You're hanging out with me, even despite thinking I was into all this 'Fifty Shades of Grey stuff'?" Seth tilted his head in astonishment.

"I totally don't care about any of that. As long as I don't have to do it, we're good. Just in case you're into…that stuff as well," Seth blushed once again at the realisation of how stupid he had been, thinking Ryan would laugh about him and after a few seconds both burst into laughter about the own stupidity.

For the rest of the day, Ryan showed Seth the best places for purchasing all graphic novels which probably have ever been published. Seth was amazed at the assortment of articles the shops offered. He realised that hanging out in New York was entirely different from hanging out in Newport. The slight hope that things were going to change and that he finally was going to be accepted as the person he was, arose inside of him. After Ryan's reaction to his hobby, Seth eased a little more into the growing friendship. He could act a little more naturally – a little more like himself around his new found friend. Inwardly, he begged that this was not merely a dream. He was awfully afraid of waking up in his old bed in Newport, realising that this special moment was nothing but a dream. He couldn't imagine returning to Newport. He couldn't survive there anymore. It had been too much. He didn't want this to be just a dream. On the other hand, if it was just a dream, it was a very long one - maybe the longest one he'd ever had. So, the duration made him confident that it wasn't just a dream. It was real and he had to get used to it.

They continued their way through New York's coldness. Seth really had underestimated the East Coast Winter. What exactly was the reason of why he always had wanted to move to the east coast? The winter? That couldn't possibly be true. All right, he didn't know what winter meant when he'd been living in California. Bad mistake. While Seth got lost in his thoughts, he noticed that Ryan had become awfully quiet, quieter than he was by nature and then Ryan suddenly stopped in front of a huge futuristic building.

"Hey Ryan, you okay man?" Seth asked sensing that something was wrong, but he couldn't point out what exactly it was.

"Yeah, just thinking," Ryan mumbled, while he was taking the picture of the building in as if it was mesmerizing him. Seth glances followed Ryan's. He was staring at the huge entrance door: Julliard School, it said. Seth didn't really know what this was supposed to mean.

"Erm…do you wanna go in there?" Seth asked, since he had no idea what this building meant.

"I'd loved to, but my Dad would kill me," Ryan replied not taking his look off the building.

"Why? What's in there?" Seth was clueless.

"My Mom had been a piano teacher here. That's all," Ryan answered him, sounding a little absent and Seth realized that maybe, his friend wasn't as indifferent about his mother's death as he wanted to seem. This caught Seth off-guard. How was he supposed to react now? He had never had a friend and especially not one who had lost a parent. And now: here he stood with a friend who had lost a parent.

"And why doesn't your father want you to go there? I mean when your Mom…I mean…it can't be such a bad place then," Seth stammered unable to phrase that Ryan's mother had been, but wasn't anymore. Nevertheless, he had to show that he was prepared to listen to whatever his friend had on his mind.

"He thinks it's a waste of time, money and talent. It's…somehow complicated," Ryan broke off the conversation and continued their way along the streets of New York leaving Seth dumbfounded by this harsh and abrupt reaction.

"You know, I'm an expert in complicated father-son-relationships," Seth tried to encourage Ryan to talk a little more to him – a little more openly. He knew how burdensome these relationships could be and how important it was then to talk about it, to get rid of these painful thoughts making you doubt yourself and your value.

"It's nothing serious, just the stereotypical fight between parents who favor an academic career for their kids and the kids who just don't give a…shit about that," Ryan replied bitterly. Apparently, the piano meant more for Ryan than a hobby and apparently things between Ryan's father and Ryan wasn't as great as someone should assume after the both have lost a very close family member.

"Well, when it's about fathers who want to pressure their sons into something they don't want to do or don't want to be, then I'm the right person to talk to. My father never had a sense of arts. He never understood why I prefer drawing rather than sports. He never understood why I prefer sailing rather than water polo and such. It's difficult to handle. You just have to be above such things," Seth wanted to make his friend feel better.

"I doubt that my father is that bad. It just became sort of tough. My Mom had been really supportive, about everything. She never complained when I didn't have time to practice, but she also didn't complain when I did practice a lot. My father never said a thing then. But since…she's gone, my father thinks he has to make sure that I won't end up as a broke musician," Ryan sighed thoughtfully. Seth felt proud that he had been capable of making his new friend confide in him, at least a little. This was more than he had ever reached. Nobody ever had talked to him about his issues, but Ryan did. Maybe, his Mom was right. Maybe, Ryan wasn't a bad guy, just a very silent one.

"Did you try to explain to him that being a musician does not necessarily mean that you'll be broke one day?"

"He should know, at least he had been married to one for several years," Ryan smirked and the depressed atmosphere of the conversation was blown away in an instant.

* * *

><p>They were on their way home. The coldness had crept into every single cell of their bodies and when it became unbearable, they decided to go home and warm up a little. Seth noticed that sadness was hanging above Ryan's head like a dark rainy cloud since their conversation about his mother and his plans on becoming a musician. Ryan was in the need for some distraction.<p>

"Do you wanna come to mine? We can play some videogames, have some decent food?" Seth blurted without proper consideration. He just couldn't stand the idea of his new friend returning home all depressed and sad.

"And what about your Mom?" Ryan asked warily.

"She won't mind. So, unless you have any other plans, you're really welcome to join me," Seth answered encouragingly.

"Well, my Dad won't be home anyway, so why not?" Ryan agreed and Seth was happier than ever. Nobody had ever accepted an invitation to visit him at home. Moving to New York had been such a good idea. Seth led the way and Ryan followed him shyly. When they reached the door to his apartment, Ryan had fallen behind several feet.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Seth asked, fearing that Ryan finally would bail on him.

"You sure that I can…? I mean, your Mom really won't mind?"

"Why would she?" Seth asked and unlocked the door to his new home. Ryan slowly followed him inside.

"Hi Mom, I'm back!" Seth called while he took off his coat and his gloves. Ryan stood in the corner of the entrance hall, focusing his shoes and appearing as insecure as Seth felt at his first day at his new school.

"Do you want to take off your coat?" Seth asked him. Ryan's head shot up.

"Erm…yeah, sorry. I zoned out for a second," Ryan apologized and handed him his coat, leaving on his scarf and cap.

"Do you want to leave that on?" Seth asked a little confused.

"Uh…yeah…I'm still having a sore throat," Ryan answered. This explained the scarf but not the cap, Seth thought but left out this topic. It was obviously hard enough for Ryan to have accepted his invitation. Again, Seth feared that he might have rushed things. But now it was too late. Seth went into the kitchen where his Mom was brooding over some papers.

"Hey Mom, I'm back," he said once again. His Mom lifted her head, looking at Seth. A warm smile appeared on her face when she saw him. It was always like this and sometime Seth got a bad conscience when he had been out for so long. Maybe his Mom worried more than she admitted to him.

"Oh Seth…sorry honey, I didn't hear you come in," she told him," Oh and you brought your friend," she added when she saw Ryan slowly following Seth, "Nice to meet you," she said and extended her hand. Ryan shook it shyly and Seth sensed that this situation was probably worse than just embarrassing.

"Yeah Mom, that's Ryan. We wanted to play some videogames if that was okay with you," Seth stated. He wanted to reassure Ryan, proving to him that his Mom was really okay with him having visitors over.

"Sure, but doesn't Ryan want to take off his…"

"No, he's still a little sore from his cold, but thanks Mom," Seth jumped to the rescue before this already utterly awkward situation became even more awkward – if that was still possible.

"Then have fun," his Mom agreed and turned her attention back to her papers. Seth led Ryan to the living room.

"Do you want some coffee? I could use some. I feel like Mr. Freeze, if you understand what I mean," Seth exercised polite behavior. If Ryan already accepted his invitation, Seth had to make sure that he felt comfortable. Well, he hoped that the intermezzo with his Mom didn't deter Ryan as to decide to never come back.

"Uh…yeah, that'd be a good idea," Ryan agreed and then Seth went back to the kitchen.

"He's a little shy, isn't he?" his Mom said when he poured two mugs with coffee.

"And he can hear you," Seth countered. He didn't want to talk to his Mom about his friend, especially if he was sitting in the room next door and could hear each word said. His Mom really had a sense for embarrassing situations.

"Alright, I'm quiet," his Mom finally concluded to much his like. After Seth went back to the living room and the two had started the first game, the previous awkwardness was blown away and Ryan unbent enough to make jokes. They didn't notice how the time flew by until Seth Mom entered the living room again.

"Sorry to disturb you, I just wanted to ask whether Ryan wants to stay for dinner," his Mom asked. Seth looked questioning at Ryan who threw a surprised look onto his watch.

"Oh…it's already quite late. I'd better get home," Ryan replied getting up from the floor. Seth glanced at his Mom who wore a strange expression on her face, while looking at Ryan and before Seth realized what was actually happening, his mother was grabbing Ryan, who was about to fall, by the upper arms to prevent the worst.

"Ryan! Are you okay?" his Mom exclaimed, leading him slowly to sit down on the couch.

"Yeah…'m fine…just got up too fast," Ryan responded, rubbing his forehead and squeezing his eyes shut. Seth looked appalled back and forth between his friend and his Mom. He had trouble comprehending what had happened just a few seconds ago.

"You sure look a little pale. I'll call your parents to come and pick you up," his Mom suggested concerned. Seth stayed mute letting his mother take control. She was an expert in mastering such situations, he hoped.

"No…he won't be home anyway. I'm fine really. I…go now. Sorry, for this mess," Ryan apologized. Seth caught his Mom's strange look on him and shrugged with his shoulders. He knew it was her way of telling him that it was on him to jump into action.

"No, Ryan…maybe you're still sick…At least, you've been yesterday and maybe you're still a bit under the weather," Seth suggested.

"Sorry Ryan, but I can't let you go home if you're not well," Seth's Mom intervened once again.

"I'm fine, really," Ryan's voice had become stern. He was fighting Seth's Mom's hovering tooth and nail. Something felt wrong about this situation. Ryan being determined of being fine? That he reacted a little aggressive to his Mom's concerns? Seth couldn't point out what it was.

"Maybe Seth's right and you're still running a fever," his Mom said. She didn't get when it was enough. Seth could see that Ryan was not going to take any more of it and Seth had no idea of how to prevent the worst from happening, his mother deterring his new found friend.

"I'm fine," Ryan stated one last time before he tried to get up only to be forced back down onto the couch by Seth's Mom.

"Mom…maybe Ryan knows better what's wrong with him?" Seth tried to sooth the situation.

"He's a kid, like you are one. He doesn't, believe me," his Mom muted him and Seth wondered what that was supposed to mean. He watched how his Mom lifted her hand to check Ryan's temperature on his forehead. Seth understood Ryan. This really went way too far, even for his like. But Ryan's reaction wasn't any better: he pushed away the hovering hand which threatened to touch his forehand. Within this quarrel his cap fell onto the floor. His Mom gasped in shock, "Oh my God!"

His eyes automatically grew wider and in an instant everything made sense. Ryan immediately gathered up his cap and put it back on.

"Sorry," he mumbled and then escaped out of the apartment. Seth shot up and followed him.

"Ryan!" he called through the hallway, but Ryan didn't turn around, "Ryan, please. I'm sorry…it's…it was an accident…I…my Mom…we didn't mean to…," but these words only reached the walls of the deserted hallway and merely the silence responded to him. Seth went back to the apartment and frustrated flopped down on the couch next to his Mom.

"Great," he exhaled angrily. He has had a friend for one day and then his Mom had to destroy everything.

"Sorry," his Mom replied absently.

"I guess, he won't talk to me again, let alone hang out with me," Seth concluded.

"You'll find new friends," his Mom replied having shaken off her shock.

"Sure, as if it was that easy," Seth answered. He was pouting and he didn't care.

"Seth, we've been here only for a few days. You sure will find new friends, friends who will suit you better than Ryan." These words made Seth blow his top. How could his Mom dare talking like that? Hadn't she learnt anything during the last sixteen years in which she had witnessed what being shunned at school meant?

"Mom, what are you talking about? Ryan's really a great guy. He's talking to me and I can talk to him …and he's just accepting me they way I am!" He screamed.

"Did he tell you…about…that?" his Mom countered.

"No," Seth sighed.

"See? He's not an honest person," his Mom tried persuading him from Ryan being a bad person.

"He probably had his reasons and seeing you and your reaction, I can imagine some of those," Seth shot back.

"I'm not saying that you can't be friends with him anymore. I…I just want you to make some more friends…healthy friends, too. I…it's a serious thing and I'm afraid of you getting too involved in it," his Mom explained but that did nothing to calm down Seth's anger. If it did one thing, then it even worsened it.

"Mom! On the one hand, you're talking to me about tolerance and that I should take people they way they are and then you're telling me I should let down a friend, only because he's…he's seriously sick? Don't you get how paradox that is? I won't let Ryan down, only because you're afraid of situations you can't control. He's my friend, no matter what's wrong with him!" Seth screamed and then stormed off to his room. He dropped down on his bed. He had to make this right again. He turned around and got up again and switched his computer on, hoping that Ryan would be online that night giving him a chance to explain and to apologize. Who had thought that this day would end up in such a mess, after it had started with so much anticipation?


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N  
><strong>**Thanks soooo much for all those reviews. I'll do my best to keep you wishes and suggestions satisfied. Thanks to the anonymous reviewer who made me aware of a small mistakes in the previous chapter. Of course Kirsten doesn't know that Ryan's mother passed away. I did correct it.  
><strong>

**Sorry for this slow chapter, but it suits an obvious purpose, so I hope you can bear with me.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 10:<strong>

She had summoned Mr. Cohen to her office after she found the note on her desk. How could he? He knew about the disastrous situation of the company. He couldn't possibly leave them now. This was a very bad timing and he knew that! Was he kidding? Leaving them? Now? What went wrong? What did she do wrong? What was wrong with him! Anxiety crept up her spine. How was she supposed to rescue the company when the most competent person was leaving? She heard a firm knock on her door.

"Come in," she answered the sound. The door was only halfopened and she already knew it was Mr. Cohen.

"Mrs. Nichol, you wanted to talk to me?" he asked her, obviously unaware of why she had summoned him to her office.

"Thanks for coming. Please, take a seat," she didn't want to go like a bull at the gate in the first seconds. He did as she told him and then there was a silent halt in which nobody of them knew what to say.

"Well, as I've noticed you're leaving us by the end of this week?" she started the conversation.

"That's right," he answered her plainly. There was not the slightest tone of regret or apology swinging within this answer, but pure self-confidence.

"Would you mind explaining to me the reasons for this?" she started.

"Sorry, it's private. I doubt this belongs here," Mr. Cohen answered her. At least he didn't belong to those spreading information about his private life publicly, something she thought of being very charming. Nevertheless, she couldn't tolerate this sudden personal need for a change in life.

"This might be your opinion, but I want to understand this sudden development during a crisis like the one we are facing," she explained to him. She had trouble controlling her voice. She didn't want to meet Mr. Cohen with the panic which the note had caused inside of her. She didn't want to scare him away and thus needed to show some sort of understanding.

"I can understand your worries, Mrs. Nichol, but I planned on having finished a first draft for a solution by tomorrow evening. I'll try to settle the case before I leave."

"But I can't be sure that your solution will cover all problems," she countered. She had to make him understand why it was impossible for him to leave them now, to leave her.

"Well, there's always a possibility that new facts will turn up. It's impossible to foresee the outcome of a case before it's settled," he answered her with a coy smile, and she was confused. She ought to be angry about this answer, but instead she was impressed by this man's adroitness.

"Mr. Cohen, I sometimes can't refrain from thinking that you're not taking this seriously enough," she started telling him what she thought about his work ethics. She was torn between falling for his charm and keeping up he tough business façade. Her way of conducting her business collided with her way of conducting her private life and the result was a huge emotional implosion.

"Mrs. Nichol, I am fully aware of the seriousness of the situation. That's why I'm planning on having the first draft done by tomorrow evening."

"What about the other problems? It's not like this case is the only one we're facing."

"But the most important one. A colleague of mine will take care of the others."

"A colleague of yours? I'm not paying a colleague of yours, I'm paying you and I want you doing this job." She was being selfish. She wanted to see this man every day and if it was only for a few seconds. She hated the weekends on which she didn't see him or hear his voice, and she started to stalk on him, without success. There was nothing offering her an insight into this man's life despite the homepage of the law firm he was working for. It offered her little information about his career. She didn't want to let this man walk away on her just like that. She needed to find out whether she was about to abandon all her principles, and whether this man was worth it. She wanted him to be worth it so badly that her heart ached at nights in which she lay awake, alone with her thoughts.

"Actually, you're paying the law firm I'm working for."

"I'm not working with someone else," she made her point clear, not caring whether this sounded childish or not. She didn't like it if someone made a decision which affected her without owning the decency of asking her in advance.

"You should get used to it," Mr. Cohen answered her harshly and for a second she was taken aback. He used to be calm and now this? This behaviour didn't match him at all, but she couldn't get a handle on it. She couldn't understand what was suddenly making him angry and indifferent towards his obligations.

"What?"

"Uh…sorry…for…," instantly, Mr. Cohen seemed to have realised how he had behaved in front of her and found back to his charming character.

"Well, I hope that nothing I've said or done is the reason for your leave," she tried to coax the reasons for his decision out of him. Her question did have an effect: it forced a small smile on Mr. Cohen's face, a smile she adored.

"No! No, of course not. It's private as I've told you, and I'm sorry that I can't give you any more information." What the heck could be that life changing that someone quit a job like the one this man had? He didn't seem unhappy to her. There had been no signs that some sever issues were bothering him. Well, he always seemed to be somewhere else with his thoughts, but she didn't consider that as something which might develop into a crisis like this.

"There's nothing I can do to change your mind?" she asked carefully.

"I stopped believing in miracles, so unfortunately no, but thank you for asking," he replied and dark sadness washed over his face, clouding his eyes. She knew this look. Her very own reflexion had looked like that after the conflicts with Jimmy had escalated. She feared that Mr. Cohen's private life was such a catastrophe like hers had been back then.

"I want to see the drafts tomorrow evening," she switched to the business mode again. She wanted to proof to him that she made sure that he was working on the case if she wanted to. Yes, she was challenging him.

"Okay, but then you have to pick them up from my apartment. I can't stay in the office from morning until late in the evening," Mr. Cohen let himself in for her challenge and imposed conditions.

"Alright, but I want the drafts to be ready by then," she got herself in on his conditions. She didn't want to throw a bitchy tantrum, leaving her being the spoilt, rich daughter who couldn't cope with a 'no'. She wanted to demonstrate her strength and professionalism. Added to that, this was her chance to get a very close insight into his private life. She had to take it. This might have been the only chance which would ever be offered to her.

"And it will be," Mr. Cohen stated calmly, not picking up her challenging manner at all. She wanted to fight with him, but he wouldn't let himself in for that. This was antagonising her, as well as the fact that he was so withdrawn and rarely let something about his private life slip. Anyhow, she would get an insight in his private life and maybe this meeting revealed to her what was that important that he had to neglect his job. Maybe there she could make out some sort of sore point within his professionalism, or it was just a good opportunity which would help her deciding if this man was worth taking a risk.

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><p><em><strong>Meanwhile at Seth's school:<strong>_

Seth was depressed. The weekend had turned into an ordeal after the incident, and Seth's mother was incapable of realising her mistakes. Seth had decided on giving her the silent treatment as long as necessary, or better: as long as his Mom hadn't apologised for what she had done and said. In fact, this measure of punishment wasn't easy for him to implement, but it was his proof of friendship to Ryan. He had tried to apologise, written text messages, which remained unanswered; e-mailed and IMed his friend, but got no response. On top of that, he hadn't met Ryan in the subway this morning. It felt utterly unfair to him. He, for once, had found a friend and his Mom did everything to badmouth it. A friendship to Ryan meant too much of a commitment; with Ryan as friend, Seth was blocked from being a usual teenager; Ryan couldn't do, what other teenagers did their age; blah, blah, blah. Seth was sick of it, but the more he fought his mother's prejudices, the more she tried to dissuade him from this friendship. But Seth was determined not to let it slide. He would fight for it. His Mom might not know how it felt to be shunned because of just "being", but he did and he wouldn't do the same mistakes others did to him.

The more Seth was glad, when he saw Ryan sitting at his usual desk as he entered the class room. Ryan didn't see him enter the room. How could he? He was reading a book. Seth took a seat next to Ryan, as casually as possible.

"Hey," he greeted his hopefully-still-be-friend. Ryan looked up from his read.

"Hey," Ryan answered and then turned his attention back to the book. Seth tilted his head as to get a look at the cover of the book.

"So, not "Fifty Shades of Grey", uh?" Seth commented jokingly, trying to pick up their friendship from where it had ended last Saturday.

"No, just somethin'," Ryan answered absently. He didn't react to Seth's comment. Seth felt disappointed. How could one minute destroy a friendship which had taken days to be built up?

"Okay Ryan. I'm so sorry for what happened and…"

"It's okay," Ryan cut him off and Seth remained silent, dumfounded. What was that? It took some time for Seth shaking off this harsh reaction.

"No, it wasn't. My Mom totally went overboard with her mothering. I don't even know where that came from. Usually, she's…" Seth wanted to say "laid back", but once again was cut off by Ryan.

"Seth, it's okay. Really," Ryan tried to stop him. It might have been okay for Ryan, although Seth was certain that Ryan didn't take it as cool as he wanted to make him believe, but for Seth it was not tolerable. He wanted to say that, but the teacher already entered the class room and they were doomed to be silent. After the end of the classes, Ryan left for the next classes, alone. Seth noticed that Ryan did everything to avoid him. Seth felt ashamed. He wasn't any better than those Newport-kids. This felt awfully embarrassing to him. He didn't get a chance to talk to Ryan until lunch. He spotted him sitting alone at a table, papers spread all over it and Ryan working over them. As Seth got closer he saw that it was probably for his piano classes or lessons, or whatever.

"Hey, is this seat taken?" Seth asked. Ryan looked up and sighed.

"This is not such a good idea," he replied and Seth didn't get what he meant.

"Why? We've been having lunch together before, so why not now?"

"It's…complicated," Ryan sighed and then started scribbling some strange signs on the paper.

"Yeah, I've noticed that there are a lot of complicated things in your life," Seth countered annoyed. Why couldn't Ryan accept his apology and just let their friendship go on the way it did before?

"Sorry, but you really should go and sit with the others. This here isn't something you should burden yourself with," Ryan explained to him. Well, for him it was nothing but a lousy attempt of an explanation.

"Alright, I admit: this isn't easy for me to handle, but if you give me a chance and some advice at what to do, it could work out," Seth wouldn't give up that easily. He watched how Ryan started gathering together all papers. He sensed that this was another attempt of running.

"It wouldn't work. At some point you'd be fed up, so this way I safe us both a very bad awakening," Ryan spat, took the papers and went off. Seth remained muted. What was that supposed to mean? How could Ryan judge his abilities as a friend after only knowing him for a few days? Ryan couldn't know how Seth dealt with it, thus he couldn't know if that friendship could survive it. Angrily, Seth went over to the table were Josseline and some others of his class-mates sat and ate lunch. As soon as they saw him walking towards them, they made space for him. Something which had never happened back in Newport, but Seth couldn't feel happy about it.

"Hey Seth, what did you want from Ryan?" Josseline asked him warily.

"Just talk," Seth replied, with his thoughts still being with Ryan and how to make right what his mother had done wrong.

"He's…strange, isn't he?" she rather stated than asked. Seth looked up, watching how the others at the table silently nodded at her comment.

"No, he's…just different," Seth defended his former-friend. Not getting the point of the conversation.

"As she said: strange," Josseline's boyfriend stated and the girls started giggling.

"Take my advice and stay away from him. He's…trouble," Josseline's boyfriend added.

"Why?" Seth asked confused. He had spent nearly his whole Saturday with Ryan and he didn't notice anything which could mean that Ryan was trouble. Okay, he did have issues, but Seth doubted that there were teenagers who didn't.

"Don't you know what's wrong with him?" Josseline exclaimed surprised, nearly shocked. Seth fiercely raked his brains to understand where this "gossip-sharing" was going to.

"He's…sick, but that's all I know," Seth said, still not figuring what this conversation was about.

"Yeah and that's all you need to know,"Josseline's boyfriend responded. At that point, Seth had lost the thread of conversation, having trouble to comprehend what the others wanted to make him understand.

"Sorry guys, but I have no idea what you want to tell me," Seth said, holding his hands up in defeat.

"Let me explain it that way: you shouldn't hang around with someone who's puking publicly on a basketball field," Joessline's boyfriend explained and the others burst into laughter. No matter what this was about, Seth didn't think of things like that as funny. Who knew what had caused this accident. Alright, Seth figured out what it could have been.

"I doubt that he did that on purpose. He's sick," Seth tried to defend his hopefully still-be-friend.

"He's sick and that's sad, but he doesn't have to display it publicly. All this puking and bleeding …," Seth zoned out, not listening to any more words said. He had trouble grasping what was happening around him, what was happening with him. Seth shook his head in disbelieve and suddenly wasn't that sure that he wanted such friends like Josseline and her boyfriend. Sitting there together with them, made him feel ugly, as if he wasn't any better than the Newport-kids which used to treat him the way these kids treated Ryan. It felt wrong and Seth let out a strained sigh. Still, he remained seated. He had to clear his mind. What if his mother was right about Ryan and he wasn't a good pick as a friend? At least, his other class-mates saw it the same way, so there had be something right about his Mom's prejudices.

* * *

><p>When she entered the apartment, she was greeted by the blaring music pouring out of her son's room. She sighed and put her briefcase down. She went to her son and entered his room without knocking first.<p>

"Hey Seth!" she called. Her son turned around and looked at her but didn't react. He hadn't been talking to her since the incident last Saturday evening. She felt awful for her reaction, but her son didn't give her a chance to explain herself. She turned around and left his room. She didn't see her son until dinner was delivered and then still, Seth did all in his power to avoid her, her glances or any kind of conversation with her.

"Seth, I'm sorry. How often do I have to tell you that? I'm happy for you having friends, but I'm afraid of how Ryan's condition will affect you. I only want to protect you from being hurt or disappointed, or both," she started pleading again.

"I know," Seth mumbled and her heart jumped at the fact that her son had stepped out of his moodiness and actually talked to her and not merely grumbled his responses.

"Maybe, what you've said wasn't that wrong," her son added thoughtfully and that got her attention.

"What caused this sudden change?" she asked Seth curiously.

"Just…some gossip spread around at school," Seth replied, trying to cut off the conversation.

"Seth, gossip is not necessarily true," she warned her son.

"I know,…just…Josseline and the others know Ryan better than I do, or at least they know him for longer than I do." Seth looked up and at her. His eyes were thoughtful and she noticed the inner turmoil rambling in her son's inner world.

"What did they say?" she asked on. As glad as she was that her son started to understand her reasoning, she also was afraid of the sadness it caused her son. The last thing she had wanted to effect with her concerns was her son's sadness.

"Basically, that Ryan's trouble…uh…I dunno," Seth responded.

"And how do you feel about this now?"

"Strange, I guess. I mean, Ryan's avoiding me anyway," Seth told her. It dawned on her what might have caused her son's new sadness.

"Don't be sad about it. It's probably better that way," she said, being glad about Ryan's reaction after the incident. That way he saved her son the experience of being the bad friend, who turned his back on Ryan during difficult times.

"Really, you think so?" her son spat bitterly and then left for his room. She let out a deep breath of desperation. No matter what she said, nothing seemed to be right these days.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N:  
><strong>** Thanks for all those reviews and the exchange of thoughts. I really do appriciate that and it helps me to sort out some difficulties or mistakes I made drawing up the plot. This chapter is...twisted, but it's twisted on a purpose and I hope I could make the reason at least a little clear. enjoy =)  
><strong>

**Chapter 11:**

When he entered the apartment in the next evening, he could hear the TV running. He wondered what this was supposed to mean since his son usually would be doing his homework at this hour. He made his way to the living room where he found Ryan on the couch, cuddled into a thick throw and already half-way asleep. He put down his briefcase and went over to his son, gently stroking his cheek. In a response, his son's eyes slowly opened.

"Hey kid, already finished with your homework?" he asked Ryan.

"Not even started yet," his son answered honestly, while getting into a sitting position. This answer got him worried again. Doing his homework used to be the priority on his son's after-school-to-do-list and now he didn't even start on them. This was alerting to him.

"Is everything okay?" he asked Ryan and sat down next to him, placing a hand on his son's leg. In fact, Ryan seemed a little depressed lately or rather, since the day he had met up with his new friend. Sandy was afraid that again someone had told his son that he was sorry, but couldn't be friends with him anymore because of his condition. Sandy's heart sank, how was he supposed to comfort his son? He was at a loss and unable to offer any more comfort, because he himself was in a desperate need for some comfort. In addition, the fact that he had to explain to his son that the seemingly slow growing tumour was actually a fast growing and spreading one and that therefore the extent of the upcoming procedure was unforeseeable, was hanging above his head like the sword of Damocles. How would his son react? How to cope with that reaction? This time, he couldn't blame his wife for it. This time, he was the one who hadn't thought about calling in a second opinion. It was his fault. He pushed these thoughts aside. He had a meeting to concentrate on and maybe he could find a way to circumvent this revelation.

"Just tired," his son answered, sliding back under the covers, curling together and facing the back rest of the couch. It was visible that Ryan was more than just tired.

"Alright, then stay put and relax. It's probably better that way. What about staying home tomorrow? One day more or less won't make a difference," he suggested. He couldn't deny the fear that his son overstrained himself and that this might have worsened his son's condition.

"Uh,…no. I have to hand in some course works. At least, those which I actually managed to finish."

"I can hand them in for you. Honestly Ryan, you're supposed to take it easy and slow, and I'm afraid to say: what you're doing is the opposite of easy and slow," he started to talk into his son's mind.

"Yeah I know…but I can't stay here tomorrow, all alone with myself and my thoughts. I'll go nuts if I stay here." He couldn't take it him amiss. His son was scared shitless, although he didn't even know the extent of the operation he was facing. This wasn't going to be easy for neither of them.

"Did you eat something?" he asked, switching the topic since it was useless debating with Ryan about whether to stay home or not.

"Some broth. I guess, I stick to it for the rest of the day," his son answered him and he could hear that his son was tired of talking and just wanted to be left alone. It was difficult to approach Ryan when he wasn't feeling. Unlike all other kids, Ryan used to hide from everyone then and was truly annoyed by anyone's concerns and presence. This was the hardest part of all. He wanted to fuss over his son, but Ryan wouldn't let him. Exactly this was what made him feel like a neglectful father, but this was going to change, notwithstanding his son's opposition.

"Maybe you should try something else," he threw another ball in, foreseeing that Ryan wouldn't accept his suggestions.

"Dad, could you please leave it with that? Talking hurts and I'm not talking to you about the swallowing thing. I…can you just leave me alone for a few minutes?" his son asked and now Sandy noticed that he hadn't really realised what was about to come up towards them. He doubted his parenting skills. Maybe he was a neglectful parent, no matter how much time he spent with his son. He felt responsible for his son's situation, the relapse. He didn't realise in time that something was wrong. He didn't listen when his wife talked to him about it and that she wanted to take their son to see a doctor the day she died. Even now, he didn't notice his son's physical reluctance to talk, and he didn't hear the scratchy and hoarse voice. Something was blocking his mind. He was incapable of realising such things, had always been. Sandy feared that this negligence would take his son's life away, someday.

"Sorry, I'm sure, this will be better soon. There's just one more question: I expect a visitor this evening, is it okay with you?" he asked.

"Depends on who it is," his son sighed.

"My boss," this made his son's head turn around, facing him again with this small cheeky smile on his face, something he hadn't seen for a while.

"The blond boss with the cute little nose?" his son smirked and Sandy felt caught in the act. In an instant, he started blushing. He could have killed his son for this comment, although he had hit the nail's head, as he usually did. Sandy didn't dare to think about a time when his son won't pronounce the obvious anymore and won't encourage him doing something he himself was too shy or insecure for doing on his own. He begged for this time to never come. He knew that there was always a small chance left, but he couldn't bring himself to indulge in this hope.

"Be careful with your voice," he replied mockingly and left for the kitchen to prepare something for dinner. He had sat up this meeting to calm his boss down. And yes, he had taken advantage of these circumstances to get her to know better. He never would have asked her out on a date. He wasn't that kind of man who just did things like that. He was out of practice anyway. He hadn't had a date since …he couldn't even remember when he has had his last date. He set up the drafts and documents. This would be the last case he would fight through for this company. Making this decision hadn't been easy, but he couldn't be working fulltime while his son sat alone at home. He always had known that someday he would have to step back and eventually, this day has come, irrespective of the prayers he had sent up for this to never come. Well, he was used to his hopes being smashed to pieces. Ryan had already silently disappeared to his room when Sandy went to the living-room to check on him. He wanted to see whether his son was already asleep or forcing himself to do his homework, but then the bell rang announcing that his visitor had arrived and he forgot about it. He opened the door.

"Mrs. Nichol, I'm glad that you could arrange this meeting in your schedule," he greeted her. He felt how his heart raced as if he was a teenager dating his first real teenage love.

"Thanks for the invitation. I really appreciate your engagement in our company. I still can't imagine how we're supposed to run our course without your active support," she answered him in her business slang. He let her in and took her coat. Then he led her to the kitchen where everything was prepared: as well for the dinner as for the business part of this evening. He offered her a seat.

"Can I offer you something to drink? Water, coffee or some tea?" he asked her.

"Tea would be nice," she answered him with one of her warm smiles, which were able to make him melt away under her charm.

"Is this your draft for a solution?" she asked him, pointing at a file which was lying on the kitchen table.

"Yes, that's it. Take a look at it and tell me what you think of it," he encouraged her while preparing the tea. When he managed to without any major accident, he joined her.

"Thanks," she said as he poured her a mug of steaming tea. "This looks interesting. So what exactly is your plan?" she requested answers.

"Well, the first thing which struck my eyes is the fact that your father is the majority shareholder of the company, as well as the executive of the Newport Group of which he also owns nearly the majority of shares." he started. He was back in his element and started to feel secure again, while explaining his boss what the facts meant. She started frowning during his explications. She wasn't happy about it and he was sorry that he couldn't offer her any more pleasant news. He loved to make her smile.

"And what shall we do in your opinion?" his boss asked after he finished his explications.

"Avoid a trial and try to settle this in good understanding," he suggested her.

"Yeah, but both parties' opinions in this are obdurate. I doubt that one will give in."

"But you are the new boss and you are a woman."

"What's that supposed to mean?" she asked him, a light annoyance was swaying in her voice.

"Well, I made the experience that women are a little more sensitive towards strained business relations and that they are more diplomatic. Both are aspects which we'll need for settling this case," he answered her, showing that he somehow admired the female attributes, her female attributes.

"You got your act together," she answered him laughingly and her adorable smile appeared on her face, making it shining brighter than anything he had ever seen before.

"Thanks. The best thing you could do is to start new negotiations. Let them know that you want to try to find a solution without court, but don't let them know that the cards are stacked against you. Then, you only need to listen carefully to what they want."

Their constructive work in silence was disturbed by his son, who entered the kitchen. Sandy looked at his son and tilted his head.

"Sorry, didn't want to disturb you. I …" Ryan stopped midsentence and stared stunned at his boss. Sandy's glance followed his son's.

"Ryan?!" Sandy's boss exclaimed the second Ryan had entered the kitchen. Sandy's confusion rose.

"Mrs. Nichol?" Ryan asked back, obviously surprised about her being in their kitchen. Sandy lost track of reasons.

"You know each other?" Sandy then emerged from his trance. He was more than confused about this encounter. How was it possible that the two of them already knew each other?

"Yes,…uh, Ryan is a friend of my son's, Seth. They go to the same school," Mrs. Nichol stammered, struggling to regain her composure.

"You didn't tell me," Sandy stated and looked at his son. Ryan was hiding something from him. The look on his son's face told him that.

"Yeah…uh…couldn't know that…Mrs. Nichol was your boss, could I?" his son mumbled subdued.

"Are …are you feeling better now?" Mrs. Nichol asked his son, obviously taken by surprise meeting Ryan in his kitchen. Ryan blushed in an instant and now Sandy was sure that he had to know what went on.

"Uh…yeah, thanks." Sandy noticed that his son was acting as if being caught red handed.

"May I ask what this is about?" Sandy wanted to know what went on between his boss and his son.

"Ryan didn't feel well last Saturday, probably… because of his overall condition," Mrs. Nichol revealed the secret to him. He felt her hesitation. She knew about it. Instantly, the distance between them was growing again. Sandy shot glances at his son. He hated it if his son didn't talk to him about his condition. It was important that he knew how his son was. Only that way he was capable of taking properly care of him. But obviously his son didn't appreciate his efforts, or he didn't want to be taken care of by his Dad, or both. No matter what the reasons were, Sandy was angry about his son's ignorant behaviour. On top of that, he was sure that he had lost the fight for Mrs. Nichol. He hadn't planned on letting his son's condition become an issue until…later, when they had reached another, deeper and stronger level in their relationship. His son should possess enough decency to give him a warning. If Sandy had known, he would have had a chance to figure out a plan of handling this situation, but now he was caught off guard.

"You must have forgotten to tell me. When I asked you about your day, you told me that everything was alright," Sandy stated, brushing off his thoughts how his son's illness was affecting his love life.

"Yeah…sorry. I gotta go," his son reacted the way he always reacted: duck and cover. But he wouldn't let him through with this behaviour. Once again, Sandy felt as if he needed to lay down the law to his son.

"Sorry, but I guess there's someone due for a conversation," Sandy apologized to Kirsten. This was his personal nightmare. This wasn't quite the right way to impress his boss. He was looking like a helplessly overtaxed single parent with a teenager who had the bad habit of acting totally out of control. He made a mental note to correct the impression his boss must have gotten through the scene in his kitchen. Sandy followed his son into his room and shut the door.

"Could you please tell me what this was about?" he asked his son. Ryan sat on his bed staring, onto the floor and stayed mute. Usually, Sandy gave up, but this time he wouldn't give in that easily.

"You know that you technically have been lying to me. And you also know how important it is that I know about your condition," Sandy told him. Ryan didn't respond. His son had built up a wall around himself, which shielded him from every attempt of parenting Sandy started.

"Damn it Ryan, what's wrong with you?" Sandy lost his temper, too early and too harshly.

"Why is it always me something is wrong with? Maybe it's you? I never had difficulties talking to Mom about…things," Ryan snapped with his icy and steely voice.

"I might not to be your Mom, but I try my best to help you and that's the way you're thanking me for that?" Sandy wasn't thinking straight. He didn't notice that the person he was talking to was a seriously sick teenage boy who was overtaxed with his own tragedy. Sandy didn't get the message which swayed within his son's words. Sandy was fed up and he had to let it out.

"I didn't ask you to," Ryan bit back, got up from his bed and turned to leave.

"You're not leaving this apartment without my permission," Sandy stopped him.

"You do realise that this playing-father-thing comes a little late, do you?" his son threw at him. After that sentence something snapped in Sandy's head and he couldn't stop himself –or his hand for that matter – from what he was doing. The slapping noise pushed him back into reality. He was taken aback by his own actions. But his son had the tendency to drive him that furious that his mind blanked out. His son's Mom had possessed the same tendency.

"Ryan…I'm sorry…I…," he stammered. His action wasn't to be apologised. He knew that much.

"I take it, you don't expect me to ask you permission to leave this apartment now, do you?" his son said. His voice sounded overly controlled and strained. Sandy stayed quiet. There was nothing left to be said. He couldn't force his son to stay, not after this. He heard the door shut and then his son was gone. He took a deep breath to steady himself. There was no way that he could correct the impression his boss got. This was just a little bit too much.

"Sorry, I…should have given you a warning," Mrs. Nichol said when he was back in the kitchen. Sandy had sensed that, the second his son had entered the kitchen, the vibes between him and Mrs. Nichol became cold and more distant, which annoyed him badly.

"Uh…no. How were you supposed to know?" he replied sighing.

"The conversation didn't go well?" she asked him carefully.

"Not really," he answered plainly. There was no need to cover up the most obvious.

"I can't tell you how glad I am to realise that I'm not the only one who has trouble taming a crazed teenager," she told him chuckling.

"No, you're obviously not," he agreed. "You said he wasn't well on Saturday, was it bad?" he asked. He needed to know. It was his duty as father to ask such a question. He had to make sure that his son was well, or as well as he could be in his condition.

"No, he was just a little dizzy. Probably a side effect of the treatment?" she replied. "Probably. So, you know about it?" he asked her, trying to figure out whether the battle was already lost.

"It came out accidentally. He's not really dealing with it openly, is he?"

"No. He's had several bad experiences and since then he just tries to hide it as good as possible. Just doesn't work all the time," Sandy explained to her. She only nodded.

"Sorry, if that might sound a little too personal, but…how bad is it?" She asked him cautiously. He had known it. She was sussing out whether his son's condition was about to impair what the two of them had started to build up. How should he answer? The truth? Great, but how did they say? It was better to make a painful break than to draw out the agony. On the other hand, the die was not yet casted. No matter how slim the chances were, there were chances that his son's condition would improve.

"Phew…it's a serious disease we're talking about, nothing which he can sleep off, but Ryan's strong and handling the treatment quite well, so there are enough reasons for being optimistic," Sandy answered, intentionally leaving out the doctor's phone call, in which the doctor declared that they've done a mistake in treatment. He did leave out the fact that his son was fluctuating between relapse and remission since he was a little boy. Mrs. Nichol didn't need to know that yet, and the warm smile which emerged on her face told him that he had said what she wanted to hear.

After a silent pause, they go back to their work and the previous encounter was no longer an issue. Sandy was glad about this development and that his fight with his son didn't ruin the evening.

When they were satisfied with the outcome of their work, they decided to have dinner. They hadn't finished dinner when his son returned home.

"Hey kid, you alright?" Sandy asked as his son entered the kitchen.

"Of course," his son responded coldly and went to the fridge to fetch a bottle of water. Then, he turned around and left the kitchen. The coldness which radiated from Ryan made Sandy freeze. Apparently, he had made a huge mistake and he was sure that he could add another not-to-be-forgiven-mistake to his list of those he had already made.

"He came back home on his own. Your parenting skills can't be that bad," Mrs. Nichol mentioned surprised.

"I guess, this time it's my son's credit. He sometimes needs a break from me and then he just leaves and when he's calmed down again, he comes back. I did nothing to it," this time he was honest.

"Well then, congratulations to such a responsible son."

After two glasses of wine the atmosphere was relaxed and they were talking about this and that. They had successfully left the business territory behind.

"So, how does it come that a man like you is a single parent of a teenage boy?" she started asking him after they had finished their dinner.

"What do you mean with that?" he asked her challenging still seeing her smile at him.

"You are successful and charming, and you're a good father dealing well with a teenage boy. I can't find any grounds for why a woman should leave such a man," she said, not knowing the truth, yet. He started to blush again and he was sure that the alcohol wasn't the reason for that.

"I've been married for fifteen years," he answered her. The alcohol loosened his tongue but not enough so that he was capable of telling a stranger his story just like that.

"And what happened after those fifteen years? Did she just leave you alone with your son, or was there an agreement?"

"How do you come to the idea that it wasn't me leaving?"

"Because you took your son is with you. Usually, men leave without their kids and added to that, you don't look like the type of guy who leaves his wife with the burden of a sick child all on her own."

"Might be, but first of all I don't think that my son is a burden and second, my wife didn't leave me voluntarily. She died in a car accident a year ago," he answered her honestly. He didn't want anyone thinking of him perceiving his son as a burden and spreading untrue gossip about his wife.

"Oh…I…I'm sorry…it's…I'm really sorry. I didn't want to offend you," Mrs. Nichol answered immediately.

"No, it's okay. You couldn't know that," he tried to sooth her. He didn't want her to feel uncomfortable in his presence.

"Is…it must be hard, or? I mean, being alone all of a sudden…?"

"It was, but now my son and I can cope quite well. We're a good team," he answered her, glad that his answer brought a shy smile on the face of his boss.

"But why do you think that it's the men who leave their kids alone?" he asked her back, already sensing that she had a reason for being edgy towards men.

"My husband left me and my son for another wife with whom he got two girls. That's basically the reason why I'm here." It was the first time she opened up to him like that and it felt good to Sandy. For telling him that, a hurt woman like Mrs. Nichol had to trust him enough.

"That's…I'm lacking of words. How can a man leave such a wonderful woman?" he replied, "And how can a father leave his own son alone just like that? I couldn't imagine leaving Ryan, no matter how hard times can be," he added as soon as he realised what he had been saying. Unfortunately, Mrs. Nichol had heard it and blushed of embarrassment avoiding his eyes.

"Uh…do…do you want some more of this dessert?" he asked to rescue the situation.

"Oh …that would be nice," she answered him and reached over with her plate. He wanted to take it from her and accidentally brushed her hand with his fingers. He immediately pulled away. He didn't want to occur clumsy. This made Mrs. Nichol giggle and he couldn't help but smile a little.

"It's awful. We're all grown-ups and parents, but we're still behaving like teenagers," she concluded and he had to laugh at this. This was exactly what he had been thinking, too.

"That's true."

"If my son could see me, he would die from embarrassment," Mrs. Nichol added and then they had to laugh even more.

The rest of the evening passed with a lot of laughing and the realisation that they had a lot in common and that they seemed to be, what the other one had been looking for, for so long. At the end of the night, they were calling each other by their first name and for the first time after his wife died, Sandy felt as if things could feel normal again. He ignored the fact that Kirsten's idea about him and his character didn't base on facts of truth.

Before he went to bed, he needed to check on his son. He somehow had to clear up their fight. He wouldn't close an eye this night otherwise. When he entered his son's room, he found the TV still running and his son snuggled into a blanket. His glances fell onto the frame on the nightstand. It was a picture of his wife. It was taken last fall during a culture trip through New York. It had been a warm and sunny day, and his son and his wife had spent it together. He hadn't been part of it. He had been working. His wife looked so happy on this picture. How was anyone supposed to know how sad and depressed she really had been? Was it right to date another woman, he thought. Was it right to feel happy again while his son won't have another mother and had to go through this without her? He had to test whether what he was doing was right, because he couldn't get the answer only by thinking. He switched off the TV and then placed the blanket carefully around his son's shoulders. He didn't want to wake him.

"'m still awake," his son mumbled.

"You should sleep."

"I know, but I…just can't. Too many thoughts," his son mumbled.

"I could stay with you, until you've fallen asleep" he offered him. He had to make up for what he had done earlier, somehow.

"That's just creepy, but thanks," his son said. He looked so pale and exhausted and in the definite need for sleep. Sandy shouldn't have lost his control. He only added more strength-sapping pressure to the already existing one, although he was supposed to take some of the pressure from his son.

"Listen, Ryan, I'm sorry…for earlier…I shouldn't have…," he started a lousy attempt to apology which was harshly cut off by his son: "Just leave it. We both know that this doesn't work out. You don't trust me and I…I'm tired of all this shit," his son spoke the truth, a truth he didn't want to be true.

"I do trust you," Sandy tried to fight off his son's insult.

"Really? And why don't I still know what the doctor talked to you about?" his son asked bitterly.

"Because…because I don't want you to run away. Not again," Sandy defended his actions.

"I did run one single time. It's been three years ago, I've been scared as hell and you haven't been there, so you don't know what happened. You don't know how it feels if the doctor tells you that you might wake up afterwards with one limb less than you've been fallen asleep with. So don't judge me," Ryan snapped at him. No, he hadn't been there. His wife had told him what had happened that day.

"Sorry, I'm…just afraid," Sandy had to make his son understand, although he didn't even know what he wanted his son to understand.

"And you really want to go to school, tomorrow?" he asked his son, switching the topic.

"Dunno," his son said. He sounded so awfully down and there was nothing in his power to change this.

"What's wrong?" he asked hoping that at least letting it out could help his son to feel a little better.

"It's…I'm just…I dunno…I'm tired, I guess," he said. His son sat there looking so lost and he had no idea how to give him the hold and support he needed. He went over to him and took him into a hug and was surprised that his son let him do so, didn't push him away.

"It'll get better. I'm sure," he whispered into his son's ear, steadily rocking him, something he hadn't done in ages.

"Dad?" his son asked when he already was on his way to his own bed.

"Yeah?"

"Do…can I stay home tomorrow? I…don't think I can go to school," his son admitted. As glad as he was that his son started to take his condition seriously, this statement tore his heart apart as it was the evidence that his son became weaker with each passing day.

"I'll call your school tomorrow. And don't worry. I've already arranged everything so you won't go nuts."


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N:  
><span>****Thanks again for those nice reviews. Re Kirsten asking Sandy about his wife: that will be claryfied in chapter 13, I guess... Re: Sandy accusing Ryan for lying in chp.11: I thought I made clear that he was referring to Ryan not talking about his condition, since Ryan stated that he couldn't know that Kirsten was Sandy's boss. Sorry for that confusion and thanks for making me aware of those things. I really do appriciate it.**

**Enjoy =)**

**Chapter 12:**

Ryan didn't know when he finally fell asleep, but it must have been late. He didn't even notice his Dad leaving for work. He was glad that he had cancelled school that day. He was dog-tired and felt sore all over. When he entered the kitchen to get some tea, he found a stake of DVDs, magazines and books piling up on the kitchen counter. There was a note from his father as well.

_This should distract you from evil thoughts. I won't be late today. Relax_

He sighed. Again his Dad had foreseen what was going to happen, while he was left in the dark. It was an awful feeling. He shoved his 'evil thoughts' aside and went over to the cupboard to get himself a mug when the phone rang.

"Yeah?" he answered the call.

_"Good morning! Just wanted to make sure you were okay," _it was his Dad. Ryan knew that his father was worried and realising that his father was even worried that badly that he called to check on him made Ryan feel rummy. There was a reason why his father was that nervous and Ryan was sure that it had something to do with the mysterious phone call.

"Uh…yeah everything's alright," Ryan wasn't in the mood for talking. Last night's blow up was still troubling his mind, as well as his father's mood swings. He could imagine that the situation wasn't easy for his father to handle. Though, Ryan wished that his father was more of a reliable constant for him and not just an occasion which occurred from time to time, when his father thought it was necessary or the right time to be reliable and actually there for him. In fact, he was missing this constant since the day his mother had stopped to be that special person for him and switched on her autopilot: fulfilling her duties, leaving out the rest. Ryan sighed inwardly. Life was so fucking complicated that he couldn't get a grip on it and there was nobody he could ask for help.

_"How are you feeling?"_ Ryan was dragged out of his inner debate. He hated this question and was getting sick of it no matter how often he told himself that it was meant with best intentions. He hated people treating him as if he was sick. Okay, he was sick but he didn't need to be reminded of it every time he was talking to someone. The pity with which people regarded to him was frazzling him out. He couldn't stand it. All he wished for was a normal life, but the people around him didn't even allow him to indulge in an illusion of normality. Wherever he was, he was confronted with his sickness. Not even at home he got a break from it.

"Sore and…the usual," he answered plainly.

_"Okay, but not as bad either. I shouldn't be late today,"_ his father answered.

"Yeah…and…uh thanks…for these things here," Ryan said, flipping one of the DVDs on its back to read what it was about. He didn't want to think of these gifts as his Dad's bad-conscience-reliever. He wanted to think of them as truly meant means of comfort. But how could they be? His father had nobody who could provide him comfort, so how was he supposed to offer him some? He felt queasy at the realisation that he was the reason for the cracks in his relationship to his Dad. At the end, everyone got fed up with him and then his Dad had to suffer the consequences. It had been like that with his Mom and Ryan feared that it wouldn't be different with Mrs. Nichol. He was a pain in the ass and no matter how hard he tried not to be, he, eventually, would end up ruining everything for his Dad.

"_You're welcome. I hope they are the right ones. You're not talking so much about…well you're never talking much about anything, so I just picked what I thought might be of interest of today's teenagers."_

"It's perfect really, thanks and besides: was there again the everyday-criticism as to why I'm not talking?" Ryan picked up on his father's mocking, sweeping away his thoughts. He didn't overhear the truly meant reproach, though. What could he say? He never felt like talking and thus he didn't. Apparently, this was driving his father nuts, especially because his father was a first-class performer of endless speeches.

_"You know me son, I love to talk and I would love to share this passion of mine with someone else."_

"Very funny, but I'm already the listening part. I don't know how you possibly could share the passion of yours if I was talking nonstop instead."

_"At least, I know whom you got your rhetoric-skills from. So, relax and we'll see us later."_

"Yeah, thanks. I'll probably lie down again for a bit."

_"Do that, see you later. Bye._"

"Bye," he said and then finished the call. He went over to the stove to heat up some water for tea. Tea, he thought to himself. A few months ago he would have wrinkled his nose at the mere thought of tea and now he drank it voluntarily. When the water boiled, he poured it into his mug and left for his bed. He was still in the need of a few hours of sleep, although his frying nerves probably wouldn't bestow him a peaceful second for the next days. He took a look onto his cell and saw that someone had sent him a text. Well, not someone but Seth, of course. Seth wouldn't let it go, would he?

_Haven't seen you in the subway and neither at school. R u o.k.?_

Ordinarily he felt bothered by importunacy, but since nobody of his former so called friends took even notice of him anymore, he was glad that at least one person besides his Dad was actually interested in him and that although Seth knew about …it. The positive mood-swing this thought caused subsided at the awareness that it wouldn't last for long. No matter how hard Seth tried to persuade him from something else, eventually he would realise that it wasn't a game but painful reality, and what followed was well known to Ryan. He had already lived through it several times. He doubted that he would care about it when it happened another time. He wanted to save Seth such an experience. He wouldn't care. Right, he already did care. This was the most frustrating situation ever. On the other hand, what did he need friends for anyway? It wasn't like he had plenty of time to spend with them. With this indifference at his side he texted Seth back.

_Not feeling well. Not coming back to school any time soon._

That was all and he fell back to bed. When he woke up again, he decided that he still was too sleepy for paying attention to anything too intellectual and decided for one of the DVDs his father had picked for him as a matter of distraction. It wasn't a bad pick and Ryan hoped that it would suit its purpose. He felt itchy. Some kind of insecurity and a slight fear started to settle down in his stomach, little by little. The never ending line of questions from the land of 'what if' started to gnaw on his nerves. He put in the DVD and let his mind drift into the oblivions of mindless Hollywood plots.

He spent the rest of the day with mindless things and didn't notice how late it was until the doorbell rang. He looked onto the clock at the wall. It was too early for being his Dad and his Dad had a key. But who else could it be? Ryan had no idea and didn't want to open the door. He was way too depressed to move a single limb, but the doorbell rang again and again. The intervals between the rings became shorter and shorter. It was unnerving him. The only option he had left to make it stop was to finally get up and open the damn door. He wasn't happy about it and when he finally managed to open it, he was surprised to actually recognise the person standing in front of him.

"Seth?" Ryan asked a little insecure. How could this be? How did Seth find out where he lived? Why was he here in first place? Hadn't he made it clear to him that their friendship was a waste of time for both of them?

"Hey, can I come in?" Seth asked him. Seth was obviously at ease with the situation, behaving as if appearing unannounced on someone's threshold, whose address he wasn't even supposed to know, was the most normal thing on earth.

"What are you doing here?" Ryan asked confused. He couldn't wrap his head around what was just happening.

"Visiting a friend," Seth answered emotionless.

"Uh…"

"May I come in, or do I have to wait out here until you've got your voice back?" Seth sounded a little irritated.

"Uh…yeah,…," Ryan replied and stepped aside so that Seth could enter the apartment. Then, he closed the door and led Seth to the living-room, racking his brains about what this was supposed to mean. Why was Seth there? What did he have in mind?

"Can I get you something?" Ryan asked Seth to get over the weirdness of the atmosphere. He sensed what was about to come next and he feared this special something a little. It didn't occur to him that Seth stood in his living room, although he knew about. If he had realised that, he probably would have been a little more at ease, just like Seth.

"No thanks…I…your text…it sounded kind of serious," Seth started.

"Sorry, didn't want to worry you."

"Well, you did," Seth started.

"Yeah, sorry…but how did you find out where I live?" Ryan countered, hoping this way he could circumvent what he dreaded most about this encounter. He wasn't keen on telling Seth what his reasons were, reasons he wasn't aware about himself. Still, what he knew would be enough for Seth to keep his distance and he had all right to. Hadn't Seth told him that he never had friends at his old school? Now he had and Ryan didn't want to spoil this for Seth. The best would be, if Seth just left him alone and forgot that he, Ryan, existed.

"Josseline told me. How comes that she has your address, but I don't?" Seth backfired and caused Ryan to blush. There was a very special reason for Josseline having his address, but he wasn't keen on telling Seth since it meant he had to explain why it didn't work out as well.

"You two were…ah, got it. Sorry, but you're not really talking a lot, so don't feel offended if I'm a little ignorant to the details of your life," Seth sounded angry.

"Sorry…so…how's everyone at school?" Ryan tried to sound as casual as possible and to get Seth out of the apartment.

"Why do you care? It's not like anyone of them asks me about you," Seth replied angrier than before.

"What's wrong with you?" Ryan snapped, not sure what caused Seth's sudden moodiness. Ryan didn't ask him to come by unannounced.

"What's wrong with me? You better tell me what's wrong with you, because you are the one who's avoiding me and I don't get why."

"I'm not avoiding you," Ryan defended himself.

"And why didn't you tell me what was wrong with you? And why don't you tell me now? Why did you run away from me at school?"

"You've been in the same room with me and your Mom last Saturday, so you do know what's wrong with me," Ryan said as calmly as he could. Seth looked over to him. His glance told Ryan that Seth didn't get the point of what Ryan had been saying. He felt how his heart sank of disappointment. Eventually, Seth wouldn't be different from the others.

"I know. You're sick and it's more than just a cold. But still, I don't understand why you're avoiding me and why you think about not coming back to school," Seth replied as if he didn't care about the fact that Ryan was far away from being a normal teenager, that he probably would never again be able to do what normal teenagers did.

"Isn't that enough? Do you need to humiliate me any further digging in the…shit of my life?" Ryan asked aggressively. He wanted Seth to say what he had to say and then leave him. He didn't want to have to wait for another socially lethal blow.

"I don't get your point. I mean, I'm sorry. I should have noticed earlier…shouldn't have been ignorant and such. But now I'm here and I want to know what's happened to you that you won't come back to school, and you're snapping at me like that?"

"Seth, I didn't want you to notice. So, you did me even a favour and I'd rather preferred it if you still didn't know about it," Ryan explained to Seth that it hadn't been his mistake that he didn't notice what was wrong with Ryan in first place.

"I just don't want you to think of me as an ignorant asshole. I understand what this means for you. My grandma, she's been sick as well and I've been with her during the whole time, until she was better again. I promise I won't let you down. This doesn't matter to me," Seth started babbling and Ryan had no idea how to stop him, because at the end Seth would let him down, he had to. It was a natural reaction of self-defence. At some point of time something would happen making Seth realise that he couldn't take that burden. It was better if he left him now. It would just hurt too much if he did so at a later point of time. Ryan was talking of experiences. It was always better to get unpleasant things over and done with.

"Seth, you don't have to do this. And anyway, it might not matter to you, yet, but it already matters to the others and…I don't think it's a good idea if you hang out with me, while they think I'm kinda weird. They're your friends and I don't want you losing them." Ryan didn't want Seth going over his head with his promise. Ryan had witnessed what it had done to his Mom and Dad, and himself. He couldn't expect someone else being drowned in this spiral.

"You think, because the others turned their back on you, it was okay if I did the same, right?" Seth spat out the truth and Ryan was hit by it. It was okay if they left him. Everybody kept telling him how hard it was already to cope with it as by standing relative. He didn't want to imagine how hard it was for a mere friend. He had to accept this fact and deal with it properly. He could do so and he would.

"And you think that I'm just like them!" Seth screamed at Ryan. Ryan hadn't imagined that Seth could dispose such degree of anger.

"Seth…that's not…I don't think that you're just like them," Ryan tried to turn over the situation. He didn't want Seth to stay with him only because he felt obliged to: I've been shunned so I won't do the same to anyone else. This was just no way a friendship could work. He just wanted to protect Seth from a rough lesson he'd learn if he stuck at Ryan's side. Why didn't Seth get that?

"Yes, I noticed what's going on at school: this whole being shunned and called names thing. Is that why Josseline and you broke up? I promise I'm not one of them. I totally can take it."

"Seth, come down again," Ryan started another attempt of calming Seth down. There was a bad headache building up at his temples and a screaming Seth was nothing he could bear right now.

"Uh…yeah…sorry. So…what happens now? I mean, when you're not coming back to school any time soon, do you know when you'll be back again, or is this an indefinite thing?" Seth asked on. Ryan shrugged his shoulders in defeat. It was useless persuading Seth from leaving him. And regarding Seth's question? He had no idea. He had been trying to foresee what would come up to him next, in vein. He had given up on it. It was unpredictable.

"Looks like a well elaborated plan," Seth replied and got Ryan annoyed.

"What do you want?" Ryan snapped at him. He didn't understand what went on with Seth.

"Maybe the truth after you nearly lied to me," Seth attacked him again. Ryan sighed. He hadn't thought that it was going to be that difficult. He had thought he'd tell Seth and Seth would run for the hills, but now he had to reveal all of this instead.

"I'll go to hospital tomorrow and either I have luck and they can fix me, or I don't and they can't fix me. I don't even know what they have to fix, since my Dad didn't tell me. But if whatever they have planned for me will work, is in the stars. So it'll be a while until I'm back to school," Ryan answered him, sounding as indifferent as he could about this. He didn't want Seth to find out how he really felt about his current state.

"So, you don't know what's wrong with you?"

"I do know that's some sort of lymph node cancer, but my parents did a great deal in keeping away the rest of the information," Ryan sighed. He had done some heavy internet research over the last few years to understand what was wrong with him and sometimes the doctors gave him some pieces of information. This groping in the dark was killing him. He had to take care of…himself, but didn't know what he was actually taking care of, if that made sense.

"So, the only thing you do know is, that there's no guarantee for you being…healed afterwards?" Seth asked hesitatingly.

"Nope," Ryan answered plainly. Seth nodded and then stood still in silence for a while. This was it. This was what had to threat Seth away from him. Who wanted to be friends with the walking death?

"Would…would it bother you if I…dunno… stuck around and came by once in a while?" Seth asked shyly –insecure. Ryan shrugged. He didn't expect Seth to actually visit him. At the end, everybody was scared.

"This doesn't have to mean that we can't be friends anymore?" Seth asked one, sounding unsure about their friendship. Still, Ryan had the feeling as if Seth hadn't gotten the point of anything. There was not a big chance that this friendship would last for long, or exist in the material world for that matter.

"Depends on you," Ryan said. It was obvious that this was awkward for both of them. Without invitation, Seth let himself drop down on the couch and sighed. Ryan sat down across from him. He felt as being at a loss as Seth looked like. He stared at the floor just like Seth did. After what felt forever, he looked up. His eyes locked with Seth's once again.

"Know what…now where this is out…we can…just hang out and be friends, can we?" Seth suggested. Again, all Ryan could do was shrugging his shoulders.

"It's worth a try," was all Ryan concluded after he had weighed the pros and cons, and managed to settle them back into their equilibrium. They spent the rest of the afternoon watching DVD's until Seth realised that he had to go home if he didn't want his mother to die from a heart attack due to her worry about his whereabouts. After Seth was gone, Ryan asked himself whether Seth knew about what was going on between his mother and Ryan's father. He didn't mention it. Well, Ryan didn't either. Oh shit, this was going to be really difficult. After all Seth had told him about his father, Ryan could imagine Seth not wanting to have another man around in his life, and then? Did anyone ever think about the consequences of their actions, Ryan thought. Should he have told Seth? Probably. And then, on the other hand, maybe Seth didn't even know about his Mom's intentions. Right, he didn't know about them too, so it was still possible that Seth's Mom wasn't looking for a new relationship. He shook his head. There were too many things he had to think about.

He didn't have enough alone time to get all too wound up in his thoughts. His father had kept his promise and came home quite early that day.

"Hey kid," his Dad greeted him when he entered the living room.

"You're early," Ryan answered.

"I told you so. How was your day?" his father asked on while he was making himself comfortable in the arm-chair next to the couch Ryan was sitting on.

"So and so."

"Did something happen?"

"Uh…no…well, Seth came by, but that's it. Nothing thrilling."

"Oh…So,…he came by although he knows?" his father's face turned concerned and immediately Ryan was bothered by it. He hated to be the source of his father's worries and concerns, especially after he went through so much already. Ryan solely nodded in response.

"Uh…how did he react? How was your afternoon?" His father's concern grew stronger contrary to Ryan's wishes and this was making Ryan furious. He didn't want to talk about this.

"Uh…strange…I guess." Ryan had no idea how to describe the awkwardness of this afternoon.

"Okay…you might want to go into details, so I know what you're talking about," his father replied, one eye-brow crooked.

"He didn't run away, if you meant that. He came by looking for me even though he knew."

"Do you think you'll stay in contact?" And now his father's face was drawn in pity, something Ryan didn't like at all.

"Dunno, depends on Seth. He didn't react like my former class-mates, but it might well be that he's just too polite for being that direct."

"Maybe.", his father answered and then looked at him. Ryan started biting his lip, should he ask his father about…

"Uh…does Seth know that you and his Mom…and you know,…that you're my Dad?" Ryan stammered his question, throwing all concerns over board. His father's eyes grew wider in shock.

"Uh…I don't know. I haven't talked to Kirsten today and I'm not sure whether she already told him. Why do you ask?" His father's face shaded a little darker and Ryan feared he might have said something wrong.

"It's just…you know, in case Seth doesn't want me as friend anymore, I'm sure he won't want me as…some sort of screwed up patchwork-family-part. So, it could get a little complicated," Ryan pronounced his concerns, which he was sure his father hadn't considered yet. He was way too caught up in making this relationship work, as if he could notice all those tiny and big bumps on the road to his target,

"Phew, you're considering things…Don't worry about that. Kirsten and I are far from…"

"You're already at your first names, so don't tell me it's too soon for discussing those issues," Ryan cut off his father.

"Okay, if it makes you feel better, I'll talk to Kirsten. But let me get that straight: you're not screwed up. Sick, yes, but that doesn't make you screwed up, capiche?" his father emphasized his words by ruffling Ryan's head.

"Got it."

"Did you have lunch?" his father finally changed the topic, but the new topic wasn't making Ryan more comfortable.

"Not really."

"I can't say that this surprises me at all. Well, I'll go and take a shower. How about pizza for a change?" his Dad asked.

"Yeah, why not. You know, Mom would say that you're spoiling me," Ryan noted.

"I know, but I grew a soft spot for you. Besides, I took a few days off so you won't be alone this time." Sandy broke the news to Ryan. Ryan had trouble to keep his jaw from dropping. He couldn't tell what this was supposed to mean.

"You what?" His voice was mixed with some strain. What had caused his father's sudden need for a time off?

"I took some days off. And afterwards, I'll step a little back from work, so I'll have more time for you," his father added and Ryan was dumfounded. He should be glad about his father's decision, but he couldn't. Ryan knew what his father was about to give up for him, and Ryan knew from experience that this would end up in a disaster. His Mom was the best proof for it. He didn't want his father making the same mistake.

"You must be kidding. I mean…are you crazy?" he replied angrily. He couldn't handle his father breaking under this situation, his condition.

"Ryan, what's wrong? I…thought you'd be glad about this decision," his father said confused.

"Uh…I…what does 'step a little back' mean?" Ryan asked hesitatingly, unsure how to handle the news. A subtle fear built up in his stomach, causing some sort of pressure making him feel sick.

"I'll give up the legal support of big companies and start with tort and alike," his father explained his plans to him. Ryan swallowed dryly.

"You mean…neighbours and hatches?" Ryan asked.

"Maybe some of those too, but mainly car accidents. Only small cases, nothing I'll get too wound up in," his father replied and Ryan cringed.

"You sure that's…what you want to do?" Ryan wanted to make his father understand what huge sacrifice he was about to make only for Ryan. A sacrifice Ryan didn't want him to make, because he couldn't cope with its consequences once again.

"Ryan, I…thought I'd do you a favour and now I'm meeting with your disapproval? How am I supposed to understand your reaction?" his father's voice was laced with confusion, angry confusion.

"You always said that you've been working your ass off for getting where you are now, and that company and competition law was your life, and now you want to give it up just like that? Wasn't that what Mom and you were constantly fighting about? And now I shall accept your decision, believing that it means nothing to you, that you can give up your life just like that after you couldn't for so many years?" Ryan expressed his concerns, having trouble to stay calm and not start screaming, displaying his anger about his father's cluelessness. Well, he wasn't in shape for screaming anyway. But his father must have been blind and deaf and… He just hadn't been there and thus couldn't know what his naïve decision would cause at some point. He watched his father rubbing his forehead and sighing tetchily.

"Alright, Ryan, I do know that, lately, you're having a hard time coping with…your Mom passing away and you're condition, and I do understand you. At least I try to. But what has happened had been between your Mom and me, and it's in the past. We're in the here and now and we…"

"Only between you and Mom? You must be kidding, because I do remember that I've been fairly often been the issue of the fights between the two of you, without being part of the actual fight," Ryan's pulse was racing with agitation and Ryan couldn't hide his anger. How could his father still pretend as if nothing has happened?

"Ryan, believe me, that might have been the starter for all those fights, but your Mom and I had issues beyond that, deeper than that. It wasn't you who caused the fights, but we and our diverting attitudes of life," his father started to placate him. Did he seriously look that young that his father could think he'd believe that? Ryan was angry and sad. He was fed up with all those lies. He had to know the truth, what had really happened, what was really happening and what would happen, but nobody took the time to actually tell him. Lying had to be so much easier for all of them.

"Can't you just once stick to the truth?" Ryan asked and stormed off to his room.

"That is the truth!" he heard his father calling after him. He wanted to slam the door, but it was stopped by his father's hand.

"Ryan, that's the truth. You are not the reason for why your Mom and I were fighting. You are not the reason that our relationship broke. Maybe that's not what you want to hear, but I won't tell you a lie, only because you want to hear it," his father explained. Their eyes locked and suddenly Ryan realised that his father must have aged for years over the last few weeks. The wrinkles around his eyes were deeper and his hair seemed to be greyer than usually.

"Ryan, I can imagine that it was hard for you listening to all those fights, but please don't take them personally. Your Mom…she's been sad and unhappy. She wanted more, go back on stage and play concerts. But that ship had sailed and…she had trouble accepting it. She wanted to travel around the world and…she wanted so much more…" his father begged him to understand, a pleading look on his face. Now it was Ryan who felt confused. What was he supposed to do, to think, to feel?

"And I took away all of this from her," Ryan concluded the sentence for his father, since it was the only logical explanation his mind could come up with.

"No, that's not true. She's been very aware of her decisions. Believe me when I say that she would have done everything for you. It was I…who couldn't satisfy her," his father tried to explain to him, but Ryan had trouble comprehending all of this. His head felt fuzzy and felt as if it was about to explode.

"Can't we just go somewhere, where life is a little easier?" the question left Ryan's mouth as reflex, before he had even thought about it. In fact, this question expressed his deepest wish: just an easier life.

"I would, with you, immediately, if there was such place," his father replied and took him into a soothing hug, with one hand gently pressing Ryan's head against his chest. It was these rare moments in which Ryan thought that his father might really mean what he said. It was these hugs which made Ryan feel safer and less alone. It was these hugs of which Ryan knew that they were truly meant.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N:****  
><strong>Thanks for all your reviews. I really do appriciate your thoughts and suggestions! Sorry for this way-too-long chapter, but it was diificult to wrote, in all its aspects. Please bear with me

**Chapter 13:**

"Seth, are you sure you want to do this?" she asked her son, who wanted to visit his friend, Ryan, in hospital. Kirsten was determined to not let him go.

"Why not? I'm sure he'll be happy to see that not everyone has forgotten about him," her son replied. Usually she felt pride at her son's magnanimity, but in this case she had to stop him. Not only would her son be confronted with something he wasn't supposed to see at his age, but he'd also probably meet Sandy, and she wasn't ready to tell her son about her new-nearly-be-relationship.

"But…you told me that today was the day of surgery and…he might just not be up for visitors…I mean a surgery is a serious thing and… maybe he doesn't feel well afterwards," she tried to piece together a reasonable explanation.

"Alright, I promise if that's the case, I'll leave him," her son sighed annoyed.

"Seth…," she started pleading.

"Yeah, I know: I should rethink my friendship with him, having a sick friend is a serious thing and I have to be careful, in every direction, blah, blah, blah… Know what? I'll go, if you want me to or not, because I can't let him down only because he's sick. That wouldn't make me any better than the other guys at school. Imagine you got sick and everybody would leave you. That must feel like being punished twice for something which is totally not your fault," her son said and then left the apartment. She had not much time to think about what to do.

"Seth! Wait, I'm coming with you," she called after him. Her son turned around, eyeing her warily.

"I…I don't want you to do this alone. I want to be there for you," she said, grabbed her jacket and then followed her son.

During their drive to the hospital she was weighing her options. The chances that they wouldn't meet Sandy and therefore she hadn't to reveal their nearly-be-relationship were low. Shit, Sandy had even taken a few days off for this day. Of course he'd be there. Her son wouldn't take there news well and she wanted to protect him, especially after she wasn't sure whether she wanted that relationship to be one, or not. Worry was gnawing at her like termites gnawed on rotten wood. She had no plan, didn't know what to do and she wasn't good in handling situations she hadn't wholly planned through. She hadn't believed the gossip her receptionist had spread around about Mr. Cohen, Sandy, and then she had to find out that it was the truth. This man, the one she adored, was carrying so much baggage with him that she had to sort out whether she was ready to get involved. He had lost his first wife. Bad enough, but that he was willing to engage into a new relationship was proof that he was over his grief. But then there was his son, Ryan. He was seriously sick and she didn't believe for a second that it wasn't as bad as Sandy wanted to make her believe. It was. She was sure of that. She shook her head. Seth would be sad, disappointed and probably even angry when he found out about Sandy, but then there was…Ryan attached. How was he supposed to take such news? He might like Ryan as a friend, but having Ryan around somehow permanently through her relationship with Sandy, was much more than that. You could take a break, just not see a friend for a while if he was bugging you too much, but you couldn't do so with Ryan if her relationship with Sandy developed into one meant for forever. Seth was too young, too fragile as if he could put up with this. She was crazy if she thought she could engage in this relationship just like that.

On the other hand, she had finally met a man who could be the man she'd been looking for. But he wasn't only that man, but also a widow and father of a seriously ill teenage boy. This was all so wrong. She had her job and her son. It was impossible for her to maintain such a burdened relationship.

They reached the hospital. She was kicking herself mentally. She should have used the drive to the hospital for "that" conversation with her son. At least, she could have prepared him for what he was about to get to know.

"Know what? I go and sound out whether Ryan's up for visitors and you'll wait here. That way we both get what we want," she suggested her son when they reached the reception desk.

"Okay, if that makes you happy," her son sighed irritated.

"It does," she answered. She had to talk to Sandy first. Maybe he had an idea of what to do in their situation.

Her feet carried her down the corridor and then she spotted a man she knew too well, the man she was looking for. His face looked strained and exhausted, while he was talking to a doctor. It shocked her seeing such an energetic man drained like that. When the doctor was gone, she watched him slumping down on one of the chairs lined up at the wall, burying his face in his hands. Her heart sank. She wanted to rush over to him, holding him in her arms and letting him know that he wasn't alone. But something, her sense of reason, hindered her. She couldn't decide between being the woman that fell in love or the worried mother. She made a few steps towards him and then cleared her throat to make him aware of her presence.

"Oh…Mrs…Kirsten, what are you doing here? I hope it's nothing serious," he said and jumped up to greet her properly; no, not properly but formally which puzzled her.

"Hey," she greeted him, pretending as if she hasn't noticed anything. "Everything's fine. I'm here…for…" Why exactly was she there? For him? For her son? For herself? Somehow, they were all correct and at the same time they weren't.

"I'm here to check on you and Ryan. My son, Seth, was determined to visit your son. I wanted to check with you first whether that was okay," she said.

"Oh…that's really nice of him, but unfortunately Ryan won't be up for visitors today," Sandy answered her. Was the mentioning of her son supposed to contain a sting, or had something changed between them? Sandy was…awfully distant towards her and it hurt her, since she didn't know why.

"I already thought so, but…well Seth wouldn't believe me," she replied, while Sandy was staring blankly at the wall across from him. He appeared as not having recognized her presence and that bothered her. He stayed plain mute.

"Uhm…is…something wrong?" she asked him carefully, not sure what went on between the two of them. She was disappointed at how cold Sandy acted towards her.

"No, it's…I'm sorry, I'm not really in the mood for talking," Sandy blocked her question. After the wonderful evening they had spent together, she thought that they were beyond a mere business relationship. Why couldn't he talk to her? Did she want him talking about his problems? Did he feel her doubts? Did he notice that she wasn't sure about them?

"I noticed that," she replied a little harshly, "and is there a particular reason?" she asked on, not ready to let lose now. Her heart was getting involved. Her heart wanted to get involved, and right now it was her heart taking control over her actions.

"I just don't feel like talking about it."

"So, you want to be left alone with, whatever it is?" she backfired.

"Sorry, I didn't want to let it out on you," Sandy sighed. He was obviously at a loss.

"You didn't let out anything. That's what's worrying me," she tried to smooth the waves her reaction had caused. She needed him to trust her. She wanted to be there for him and at the same time she wanted to run for the hills. Whatever was going on between them, it scared her.

"It's Ryan. His condition…lymphatic cancer, advanced stage…it's…not as easy as I wanted to make you believe, it's quite the opposite," Sandy answered. She was glad that he possessed the mental strength to confess a lie. That made him even more trustworthy. The fact that he'd been lying to her made her fear that he might already know about the inner war she was fighting, though.

"I know," she replied softly, putting a reassuring hand onto his arm. This man, who was so strong and stanch regarding his business, deserved someone at his side. She wanted to be that someone, but she didn't know whether she could be.

"It's awful," Sandy goes on. "Everybody who gets confronted with this…disease seems to become an expert about it, even my wife. Only I can't wrap my head around why it's always coming back and spreading, leaves tumours everywhere …I mean he's being treated, again and again…just nothing seems to help. I only want Ryan being healthy again." This man was painfully despaired and there was nothing she could do about it.

"I can imagine, but shutting everything and everyone out won't help you dealing with it," she answered.

"You think that's what I'm doing? Shutting people out?" he asked her, looking up and their eyes locked.

"At least, it was quite a fight to get you to talk about it. You know I'm still there." She just didn't know for how long, because her head told her that at some point she would break this promise.

"I don't want to burden you with this. You have your own life to sort out and I don't want to add any further inconveniency to your list. I…really tried to keep this away from you and your family as good as possible. If I'd known that you'd turn up here I…" Sandy broke off. He had touched the point. He had foreseen how her feelings would develop.

"Give me a chance," she pleaded.

"Shall I try and…talk to your son?" he abruptly changed the topic.

"Uh…no thanks, but that's my job," she answered.

"Mr. Cohen?" a doctor joined them. Sandy looked up and she felt with and for him, something she hadn't experienced with another man for years. There were emotions welling inside of her she had never felt for anyone before, not even for her ex-husband. Maybe this was the reason why she was still there.

"Can…I go and see my son now?" Sandy asked the man in white curiously.

"Yes, you can. He's still asleep, but he should wake up within the next few hours," the doctor said and then demonstrated Sandy to follow him. She remained seated. She didn't want to disturb the privacy between Sandy and his son. Sandy turned around and looked at her.

"Do I see you later?" she asked Sandy when he was about to follow the doctor.

"Dunno…maybe," he answered dryly and once again she felt disappointed. Anyway, this time she got around introducing Sandy as her new…companion to her son, but the next time she might not and it won't be easier then. She sighed. Would she have gotten involved with Sandy if she had foreseen what would come up to her? She shook her head: properly not.

While she was on her way to the exit, her son came towards her.

"Seth? Where do you think you're going?" she asked him confused. Hadn't she made it clear that he was supposed to wait?

"I want to go and see Ryan," Seth countered.

"That's not possible. He's just out of surgery. He's not yet up for any visitors," she told him.

"Yeah, and you think after the fuss you made about Ryan being sick and my friend, I do believe you?" her son snapped and went pass her. She followed him. She had to stop him if she didn't want him to find out about her and Sandy.

"Seth! No, I…need to talk to you first and…," she called him. She had to stop her son from this mistake. She had to prepare him. But Seth wouldn't have any of it. He walked straight through the corridors and she had trouble keeping up with him. Her mind tried to come up with a plan of how to handle what was now inevitable. Maybe it wasn't such a bad idea having Sandy at her side while her son found out. He might at least serve as buffer, since Kirsten was sure that Seth wouldn't take the news of that relationship well.

"Seth…please wait," she called again. She had to run to catch up on him. She was so focused on her son that she didn't recognise someone standing in her way until she bumped into this someone, someone who caught her softly in his arms.

"Kirsten? What are you still doing here?" Sandy asked her confused, releasing her from his gentle embrace.

"I'm…uh…Seth…he's determined to see Ryan," she somehow apologised although she didn't know what she was apologising for. She saw how a dark shadow ran over Sandy's face.

"Well, he won't have luck here. They…transferred Ryan to ICU just a moment ago," Sandy replied and those sad and despaired eyes made her heart break to pieces.

"Oh…I'm so sorry," she replied not sure how to react at that news.

"Did you talk to Seth, yet?" Sandy asked and caught her off guard.

"I…didn't have a chance doing so, but I will talk to him…"

"Talk to whom?" she heard her son asking from behind her back? Shit. This was her worst nightmare becoming true: her son finding out about her relationship behind her back. Okay, not entirely behind her back, but rather incidentally than purposely.

"Hey, Seth," Kirsten acknowledged her son's presence.

"So, whom need you to talk to?" Seth asked her once again. She watched over to Sandy who scrutinized her. He was making her nervous. He was calling on her to talk straight to her son. She watched how Seth glances went back and forth between her and Sandy. He stood there warily, as if he already sensed something.

"Kirsten?" Sandy asked her and that was the last straw. She hated the feeling of being trapped.

"What?!" Kirsten snapped letting releasing her panic.

"I…need to go. Check on Ryan," Sandy replied and left while Seth was staring puzzled at her. Great. How to explain to him how she knew Ryan's Dad without coming out with the truth?

"Mom? What's going on here?" Seth asked her sceptically.

"Seth, that was…is Sanford Cohen, Ryan's father," she explained to her son, hoping this would suffice to satisfy her son's scepticism.

"Oh…and how come you know each other?" One simple question destroyed all her hopes and threw her for a loop. Suddenly, she felt lost and lonely, and she wished for Sandy to be at her side, holding her, supporting her.

"Well, we've been working together," she answered. The heat welling up in her cheeks signalled her that she was blushing. Her body was telling what she wasn't ready for.

"Uh…just…I'm not accusing you for anything, but is there something going on between you and him?" her son asked, obviously being uneasy about the situation.

"Well, we've been seeing each other off the job and…," she didn't get a chance to finish her sentence.

"You what?" Seth screamed, uncontrolled emotions swaying within his voice, some of them definitely different shades of anger and disappointment. This was what she had dreaded most, Seth's outburst. His whole body was trembling. Seeing her son like this made her heart fall apart. Maybe it was better if she decided against a relationship with Sandy. Her son wasn't ready for that and he needed to be protected. But she needed protection too. But was Sandy the man who could protect her? Wouldn't he be too preoccupied with his son?

"Seth, please. I'm sorry, I…," she wanted to sooth her son, take him into her arms, letting him know that she wasn't about to let something step in between her and Seth, but as soon as she had draped her arms around her son, he wound out of her arms.

"You lied to me! You told me that it would only be the two of us now? But with Ryan's Dad there'll be a third and a fourth person, and you didn't even ask me! I don't want to be the one left out again!"

"Seth, honey…"

"I hate you! And I hate them!" Seth screamed before he ran off. She wanted to run after him, but she couldn't. She had lost this battle and she was alone. She was furious. How could Sandy leave her alone? She needed to vent off her anger and there was only one address she could think of. She stomped to him, not considering that this might have been the wrong place for venting her anger, and not considering that she was about to vent it on the wrong address. She found him waiting in the corridor.

"Thank you very much. You've been a great help there!" she nearly screamed at him. He turned around and looked at her.

"What?"

"You know what I'm talking about. I could've needed a little support, but instead you preferred to leave me alone."

"Do you actually realise that I'm having some other problems here? I mean, it's not my fault that you didn't talk to your son any earlier."

"Oh sorry that I'm not the perfect parent," she snapped. She was blind with rage. She had no idea how to repair the damage done between Seth and her.

"Oh, I'm far away from being perfect. I should be worrying about my son right now, but instead I'm fighting for a relationship I'm not sure of whether it's worth it." This sentence felt like a slap into her face. He was pronouncing her doubts. She was taken aback and didn't know what to say or what to do. She just left, devastated and emotionally wrecked.

Her heart wanted this man, no matter the baggage he was carrying, because her heart was willing to carry it with him. Her head was screaming at her, asking whether she was completely out of her mind, even considering this relationship, since her son was obviously not ready for a new man in their life, and probably not strong enough for such a destructive relationship. Well, this probably didn't matter anymore. She had lost him. He didn't want her, and that hurt. She had to be honest. Her doubts and fears made her lose what she's never had, but needed so badly. When she entered her apartment and realised that her son wasn't home yet, she threw herself onto her bed and started crying.


	14. Chapter 14

A/N Sorry for updating that late, but I really do have some trouble with this story. With this chapter I tried to somehow give a vague explanation for things? On the other hand, how to explain emotions? Since I really want this story one, you guys deserve I need some more time for updating, so please don't be mad

**Chapter 14:**

Sandy watched his son sleeping. His heart felt heavy at the sight of the pale boy, who must've been so cold that his lips and fingers were light bluish. He sighed frustrated and once again pushed the call-button. It took a while for a nurse to come.

"Mr. Cohen, what can I do for you?" she asked him kindly, although obviously she was stressed.

"Yeah, sorry, but I already asked three times for a second blanket for my son. He's awfully cold," he phrased his request for the felt hundredth time.

"Oh dear, I'm sorry Mr. Cohen I forgot, but there has been a multiple accident and now the chaos broke out in our emergency unit. They need every helping hand. But I'll get you another blanket. I'll be right back," the nurse apologised. She visibly felt uncomfortable about the incident. When the nurse left, he leaned back in his chair not taking his eyes off his son. He watched single drops rhythmically drip from the bag into is son's IV-line from where the liquid flowed through a port into his son's body. Sandy shivered at the thought what his son had to endure again and watching him submitting to it without complaints tore him apart between relieve and worry. Ryan's body was shifting uncomfortably on the bed, but he didn't wake up. Sandy reached out for his son, gently putting his hand onto his son's shoulders. He could feel the light tremors going through Ryan's body. This was a nightmare, probably one of those which hunted him since his mother's death. He took his son's cold hand and stroked over the bony knuckles. He would get his son through this. He had no idea how, but he would. He had done his son wrong by leaving him alone dealing with his mother's death and his health way too often; he had done his son wrong by not being there, leaving Ryan with the jobs he as father was supposed to do. After the time slinked by Sandy gave up his hope for another blanket for Ryan. It already had gotten dark outside when Ryan started to slowly wake up. Tired, dazed eyes blinked at him.

"Hey, kid," Sandy whispered. His son tried to answer with a small smile which broke off nearly immediately.

"How are you feeling?" Sandy asked his son.

"Tired and…strange," his son answered, his voice hoarse and nothing more but a whisper.

"Probably the meds," he answered softly. He didn't want his son to worry about what was going on with him.

"You still here?" Ryan asked, looking questioningly at him.

"Of course," Sandy replied, brushing off the undertone of surprise in his son's question.

"You…look tired. Go home," Ryan offered him an emergency exit for this unbearable situation, but he wouldn't take him up on his offer.

"Not yet. Maybe later, when I'm sure that you'll be better," Sandy declined.

"Then go and get a coffee. You look miserable," Ryan countered, attempting to joke.

"You shouldn't talk so much," Sandy cautioned his son and earned one of his son's trademark glares and Sandy knew that it was time to give in. If he stayed, his son would only grow restless with bad conscience. Sandy had trouble to make his son understand that it was a matter of course that he took care of him and that there was no reason for having a bad conscience. On the other hand, Sandy knew where that came from and thus took this as his punishment for his negligence.

"Alright, I'll be back soon, so don't try and run," he replied and got off, his legs protesting at the sudden movement.

He sat in a silent and deserted cafeteria, nursing a hot steaming cup of coffee. He felt lonely and wished for someone at his side, but after the fight with Kirsten, he was sure that he'd stay alone for another while. She had hurt him, but on the other hand: could he really blame her? He was a single parent himself and could relate to the difficulties a new relationship could cause for a teenager. He felt grateful for Ryan's patience and understanding, and maybe having a son like Ryan was making it impossible to relate to the trouble of normal teenagers. Still, Ryan's selflessness scared him. But her selfishness and her cold-heartedness not only blind-sided him, but thoroughly hurt him. And worst of all: he couldn't make the cut he was supposed to make. He was still debating whether she truly meant what she had said. His heart wanted it to be nothing more than an uncontrolled explosion of pent up emotions. On the other hand, he didn't need a woman who had trouble controlling her emotions. Somehow, he couldn't handle a woman with a son as sensitive as Seth seemed to be. It was obvious that Kirsten had enough on her plate and it was unfair demanding from her dealing professionally with his baggage. It also was unfair to ask Ryan for handling such a messy situation. He, of all, needed peace and a stable daily routine. Sandy sighed at the realisation that he must have been dumb thinking that this relationship could work for Kirsten and him. He felt a sting in his heart, but eventually he'd get over it.

He sat there for a while, not thinking further about what could have been, but about what could become, which, in fact, wasn't a lot.

"Sorry, is this seat already taken?" He suddenly heard a soft and familiar voice from behind him, dragging him out of his thoughts. He turned around and looked directly into her beautiful, bright, blue eyes. Well, they were red rimmed and puffy, but that didn't do any harm to her overall beauty.

"Uh…no," he replied unaware of her reasons for turning up in the hospital's cafeteria. She silently took a seat across from him. The atmosphere was filled with tension. Nobody of them dared to speak. Sandy didn't know what to say after she had behaved so out of place. He didn't have the heart telling her that it was probably better if they left things as they were.

"Sandy," Kirsten made the first move, "I need to apologize. I…can't tell what has gotten into me. It's… my fault. I should've talked to Seth earlier, saving you that trouble. I…shouldn't have burdened you with that and…asked for your support, while obviously you're in the need for support yourself," she explained herself. Sandy listened carefully, but wasn't sure what to think about it. He wanted to believe her, because it would make it so much easier for him, but how could he? It felt as if she had revealed her true self during that encounter and Sandy knew by experience that people tended to unmask themselves in strenuous situations. What was he supposed to do? His heart was jumping, telling him to take the newly offered chance, but his logical sense warned him. He couldn't ask Ryan for dealing with the usual ups and downs of a fresh relationship, especially not with those of this one. Kirsten and Sandy were carrying way too much baggage as if this relationship could thrive and blossom smoothly. "Sandy, say something," Kirsten begged, her voice shaky with emotions. He only shook his head. He was stuck in a one way road.

"How's Seth doing?" Sandy eventually asked. After witnessing Seth' outburst, he was concerned about him. He had underestimated the emotional outbursts a teenager was capable of.

"He's still mad at me and after I told him that I'd see you this evening, he ran off again," Kirsten sighed. Her eyes were reflecting the sadness she was feeling, Sandy thought.

"Should we go, looking for him?" Sandy offered automatically, as if it was a natural thing to ask.

"Uh…no, thanks, but he's going out with some friends. He asked permission already days ago. He was so nervous about it I doubt that he blew the invitation," she replied.

"It's important for kids to have friends. You know, being understood by the others, talking to them about the parents and so on. It'll help him deal," Sandy assured her.

"Let's hope so," Kirsten's words were carrying barrels of sadness. Suddenly he was reminded of his wife, but it weren't memories of a love-drunken man. After the fight, he started analysing what went wrong between him and his deceased wife, rather than thinking back to the good times they had. The callous thing which got between him and Laura could easily grow between him and Kirsten, too. He was a magnet for all crises a couple can go through, so how could he possibly have a healthy relationship? He couldn't do this to his son. He couldn't sow the seam which raised the hope of a real family in his son and then, after a while, tear this hope down again. He doubted he was ready for this adventure. A relationship needed time and effort, which he was willing to invest, but wasn't sure whether he had enough of it. He was scared that he was getting far over his head with this.

"What are you thinking about?" Kirsten asked, taking his hand. He gently disentwined from her hands. He needed space: space to think, space to breathe. Suddenly, he felt like suffocating. All events started breaking down on him. It was like standing in the centre of a collapsing building.

"I…I can't do this," he finally spat out. It was useless keeping his thoughts for himself. He'd been lying to Kirsten, about his son and his capability of being a companion. From the very beginning, this relationship got no chance to grow on stable grounds. It was built up on lies and nobody needed to have magic power to foresee that this relationship couldn't work out.

"Then, that was it? One fight and we break up?" She was disappointed, but what did she expect?

"We need to be honest to each other. We didn't know what we were getting into," he tried to stay calm.

"After all those conversations and the trust we've built up, you're sure that there isn't more behind this?" Her eyes were pleading for an explanation which could satisfy her. He had fallen in love with her. She could fill the hole inside of him, making him whole again. It felt good. He had forgotten how it felt being a whole person. But this was frightening him. It had been so easy for Laura to rip out important pieces of him and who was he to tell that Kirsten wasn't capable of even the same thing?

"Sandy, I'm sorry if you…got the impression that you're son being so seriously sick might deter me away from you one day. That's not true. I'm honest, I…have no idea how to deal with it and I'm scared, but I don't want this getting between us. I'm ready to fight these fears, for you," she told him, and again it felt as if she truly meant what she said.

"I wanted to keep it away from you and that's why I lied about his condition in first place. I love you," the last three words slipped out of him. He hadn't thought about them, hadn't had it in mind. It was expressing something he deeply felt.

"But if you do love me, where's the problem then?" she tried to coax him out of the claws he was caught in between.

"That is the problem, because at the end I'd mess it up," he replied. She took his hands back again, squeezing them reassuringly.

"Sandy, don't you understand? I have doubts and fears too, and that's only naturally after what we've already gone through. Still, I want to give it a try." she said.

"It's not only because of our fight. I lost my wife far before. I only didn't notice it and when I did, it had been already too late. It can easily happen again," he told her. He had to be honest to her, because he wanted to protect her and his son. His son didn't have the strength to live through the nightmares of yet another dysfunctional relationship.

"This can happen, but it doesn't mean that it has to happen."

"What makes you that sure?"

"I'm not sure about it, but I know what you're talking about. My marriage was broken, our whole family was, but when I the guts doing something about it, it already had been too late. But should I let this restrain my feelings?"

"It might protect you and Seth from getting hurt like that again," he suggested.

"Running away can't keep you from getting hurt. You'll only hurt yourself." She had a point. Obviously, his son must have sensed as well that it was no good to run away from one's feelings.

"How did you lose him?" he plainly asked her, trying to find comfort in her words: words which covered those familiar emotions in him. Maybe her story could convince him that their relationship, though so burdened, could still work out.

"Phew, there are so many reasons for that. I guess it started with Seth's birth. Jimmy was disappointed, because the doctors told us that I might never become pregnant again. He blamed me for the complications which occurred during my pregnancy and Seth's birth. Jimmy is disappointed with Seth too, after he didn't turn out to be the athlete his father had once been. We ended up arguing about what was best for Seth: whether to force him into some kind of sports or whether to let him develop his talents naturally.

I noticed too late what his actual problem was. He couldn't get over me being the maintainer of the family. Jimmy wanted the lifestyle we had, but he didn't want it the way how we – I – earned it. Jimmy's ideal conception of a family looks like this: husband the maintainer, athletic boys, beautiful girls, a lot of money, a big house and a housewife. I never knew that this was what he wanted until he filed for divorce. I actually didn't know the person I was married to. At the end, we were fighting every day and saying things to each other we never could take back again," she opened up to him, poured out her heart and he felt honoured by it. It was not a mere gesture but a huge symbol of trust. She meant it, she really did.

The words she said where so similar to his story and at the same time their stories were so different. What they had in common were their broken hearts. Her words felt like warm rain extinguishing the conflagration which burned through his soul.

"I think," she started talking again. " I should have approached our difficulties much earlier. I could have saved Seth a lot of trouble and pain, but I…was just blind and deaf."

"What makes you sure that this won't happen to us?" he vaguely asked.

"Because you're different from Jimmy and I became a different person, too. I wouldn't let things spinning out of control again." She didn't break eye contact during the whole time she has been talking. Warmth radiated from her crystal blue eyes, as well as acceptance and understanding. Suddenly, he could gasp words for the reason why he fell for Kirsten so easily: it felt familiar, as if they knew each other ever since.

"I wouldn't be too sure about it. I messed up, big time too," he answered her, afraid of destroying the electricity bond between them this conversation had generated. He had to be honest to her. He owned it to her. She had to know what she was getting into. He had to protect her from another potential mistake, even if he himself was this mistake.

"Well, if you're afraid of messing it up, I can't give you any advice since I'm afraid of this relationship as well. But maybe, one day, we can overcome our fears. I'm sure it'll take time and a lot of trust, but here and now I promise you that you can trust me, whatever it is what is on your mind," she offered him a sympathetic ear and he wanted to take this offer, but couldn't as he was lacking of words and self-confidence. All of a sudden, the past was reloaded in his head. He started chewing the inside of his cheeks while figuring out what he was supposed to do or to tell. The truth was: he hadn't been a good husband or a good father. He had never played this part of the family until Laura has had enough of it, but then it had been too late for her. Finding out that being a father and a husband actually took more than just being the maintainer had been rough. She deserved to know about his failure, but he was afraid to mess this up too. While he was thinking about it, he came to the realisation that he was about to mess it up the one way or the other. The only difference was that if he told her straight away, he gave her a chance to leave immediately keeping further harm away from her.

"You know about Ryan. He needs my full attention. I've neglected him and his needs for far too long," he said.

"And I understand that…but you know, Jimmy never put his son first, you do. That makes a huge difference to me and gives reason to hope that…maybe we can make this relationship work. I'll need your help dealing with it, but then again, you'll need my help coping with Seth as well and that way we can support each other."

After their conversation he heads back to his son. She had given them another chance, but was he ready to give her another one? He was relieved to see that his son had finally gotten a second blanket. When he stepped inside, his son's eyes opened.

"Go back to sleep," he told Ryan stroking his cheek.

"Can't. You've been gone quite a while," Ryan noticed.

"Sorry, but Kirsten was here. We talked," he answered him honestly.

"Nothing to be sorry for," his son replied. Piercing blue eyes were staring at him.

"What?" he asked his son.

"Just trying to figure out what's going on with you," his son replied. Sandy should have checked his face in the mirror first. His son was a master in reading his face, like his mother had been.

"You shouldn't worry about that," he answered. Ryan shouldn't be concerned about his father.

"Are still not sure whether this…relationship thing was a good idea?" Ryan pointed out the fact. Sandy shook his head, what else could he say? His son wouldn't believe him if he started denying the obvious.

"C'mon Dad, what's the problem?"

"One dysfunctional is enough for a whole life time. I'm not going to make the same mistake twice," he answered while he dropped down on the chair next to his son's bed.

"That's true, but you know one of Mom's and your mistake was that you never talked to each other. You might have saved us all a lot of pain, if you'd just sat down and talked," his son spoke true words and Sandy was struck by how mature his son was. But people say that sickness and death make you grow up fast. His son just didn't have a choice.


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N:  
><span>**Thanks again for all those nice reviews. Here's another chapter =)

**Chapter 15:**

She hadn't heard from Sandy since the evening of their conversation. Since then, she was trying hard to shove her fears aside, how else could she figure out whether this relationship was really endangering her and her son, if she didn't get involved? Maybe her mind was ridden by false fears. Her heart was drowning out her rational thinking subconscious. She wanted to support him. She saw how he fell emotionally apart. She wanted to jump in and fight at his side in the war he was caught in, but how? Therefore, she needed to overcome her fears. She had hoped that telling him her story would make him trust her to the same degree as she trusted him, one day. She wanted to be for him what he was to her: an anchor, a life guard, someone she could tell everything, not matter how uncomfortable the topic might be. It felt so easy talking to him. It felt as if she had already lived a whole life with him. His gestures, the words he spoke, the tone of his voice, his smell. It all felt so familiar. She felt secure in his presence, a feeling she had been missing during her whole marriage. But he hasn't called, hasn't sent a text or just sent a life sign to her. Still, she wasn't ready to accept that he was gone. Maybe, he was all wound up and busy with his son. He had made pretty clear what his priorities were. No, she didn't expect him to set her first, but she hadn't heard from him for days. The doorbell ringing pulled her out of her thoughts. She got up to open the door. It was definitely too early for being her son. She was astonished to see the person who was waiting in front of her door.

"Sandy?" her heart sped up.

"Hey…can I come in?" he asked her. This shy manner only made him more adorable.

"Uh…of course," she answered and stepped aside to let him in. She lead him into the living room.

"Can I get you something? Coffee, tea…?" she asked.

"A coffee would be nice," he replied. She nodded and then headed to the kitchen, raking her brains why he was there for such a sudden visit.

"Here," she handed Sandy a mug of coffee, "How's Ryan doing?" she asked on.

"Better, thanks. He's out of ICU, finally," he answered her.

"How long will he have to stay in hospital?" she was worried that this pressure might be too much for Sandy one day. How long could he take it?

"Maybe a few days, maybe a few weeks. He's still quite weak so it depends on how far he'll regain some strength." His answer didn't sound promising. After that she didn't know what else to say and they felt into silence. She felt apprehensive and waited for Sandy to start talking, telling her why he was there, but he just sat there, seeming deep down in thoughts. She waited for him to make the first move, but when she saw that there was obviously something bothering him she decided that it was on her.

"What's wrong, Sandy?" she asked. He looked up and their eyes locked. His eyes were sad and looked exhausted.

"I…don't know how to start…my son…somehow suggested that talking might be a good idea," Sandy started and she gasped. Was he giving them another chance? Was he about to open up to her?

"You know that you can talk to me, about whatever fears and doubts are on your mind. You can talk to me about your marriage, about Ryan's condition, about whatever you feel you have to talk to," she encouraged him, offering him a sympathetic ear. He sighed. She gave him some space. He took a sip from his coffee. When he put the mug on the table he, eventually leant back.

"Truth to be told: I've never been a good husband or a good father, for that matter, and when Laura pointed it out once in one of our numerous fights, it had been too late. I couldn't jump off the train I entered for my career and I guess it had been too late for her, too. There had been a time in which she needed me, but I wasn't there. I hid, because I was scared as she was. But instead of facing it, I ran away, left her alone. I'm pretty much afraid of this happening again. I would never forgive myself if I, one day, had to find out that I wasn't there for you when you needed me the most. I don't want to do this to you and I can't stand the thought of doing it to Ryan once again," he phrased his fears in abstract words. She comprehended and thought that she also didn't. The man Sandy just pictured couldn't be the same man who was sitting across from her.

"Sorry Sandy, but I don't understand you. I have trouble…seeing you as such a person," she told him, grabbing his hand and holding it in between her fingers. His hand felt warm and smooth to the touch. With her thumb, she stroked over the back of his hand encouraging him. She wanted him to feel that she wasn't a judge. She had made mistakes. She had to permit others making them too.

"I don't…I don't think I can talk about this. It was hard enough to live through it."

"But if you're not talking about it, you'll run away from it for the rest of your life. It'll eat you up alive if you don't curb it." She squeezed his hand as to show him how strong she was, that he could rely on her. He didn't start talking and she gave him space to develop his thoughts. He looked down, staring at their entwined hands. She could feel his warm breath tickling her skin. With a deep sigh he looked up again, into her eyes and she saw something had changed. His eyes weren't shielded by darkness anymore, a small success already.

"I guess, it all started when Ryan was diagnosed. He was seven when Laura decided to take him to hospital because he was running a high fever. I thought she was overreacting and that it was a mere flu or something similar. I always thought that she was mollycoddling him, but I didn't care because he was hers. It was a shock for both of us when the doctors told us that Ryan had lymphoma and that the cancer had already reached a progressed stadium. You can imagine the drill which followed: chemo and radiation, surgeries, side-effects, more treatments and the limbo between remission and relapse. Laura and I couldn't handle the situation. As result we started to fight about why we haven't noticed anything any earlier. We thought that Ryan was a skinny ailing kid and was just quieter than the others. We blamed each other for not even considering that there could be more behind his frequent infections or his lethargy. Laura blamed me for not being home enough and only paying attention to my job instead to my son, and I blamed her for why in hell she couldn't notice since she was around the whole time. Then we started to fight about who was supposed to bring Ryan to his next check-up or treatment, and who had to take which shift at hospital with him. I always used my job as excuse for not having to witness what was frightening both of us. I left her and Ryan alone. I buried myself as deep in my work as possible and Laura grew tired. She had been exhausted and it was impossible for her to carry all the strain herself and she started to take a time out. There were times in which nobody was with Ryan when he was in hospital. Afterwards, we started fighting about that. Along this road we didn't notice how quiet Ryan became. He started to suffer in silence at the age of seven, never complaining, always adjusting and always obeying. So we started to fight about this development and at the end, we fought through until the last remission which lasted nearly four years. But the fighting didn't stop and we always fought about Ryan. She wanted him to go to a Music Academy, I wanted him to go to a normal school and thus we started arguing about each decision we had to make concerning Ryan without approaching the real topic behind all of this: we never sat down and talked about the disease and what it did to us. We never sat down and talked about my job and my large absence from home. We never sat down and talked about how overtaxed we were. We never sat down and talked about her big secret which I knew about. I never told her that I knew and she never told me her secret. Nobody addressed the truth and I guess we both were too blind to see it." He paused and after he didn't speak on she took it that it was his story.

"Did you ever try?" she asked him.

"Try what?"

"Becoming a better father and husband."

"I did, but for Laura it was too late. I stepped back as much as I could from my job. I went to see his concerts. I spend the weekends with Ryan. I tried to approach her from new, picking up our relationship from where it had stopped, but it didn't work well. I can't imagine us spending a single day as family. Either it was her spending time alone with Ryan, or I. It's strange. Now I complain about it, but back then I never wanted a family anyway. Probably, this was the reason for why I couldn't repair the damage which was done. On top of it, we kept on fighting about everything. She could never be good enough for me neither could I be for her. And that's basically how it went on until the accident. That day she wanted to pick up Ryan from school and take him to an appointment at hospital. She had already noticed that he relapsed. She never made it to Ryan's school and when I came home there was an officer in my apartment, talking to my son. He shouldn't have heard about it through a police officer," when he finished what he had to say, she was still soaking in the expression of his eyes. She felt how sorry he was for being ego-centric, and leaving his wife and son alone in such a misery.

"But you have changed and that's all which counts for me. You're there for your son and you've been willing to make amendments. If it was too late for Laura, it wasn't your fault. Maybe she was only looking for a reason to break up the relationship."

"But I should have notice and addressed it before it was too late."

"You definitely should have, but Laura knew about it too and she had a responsibility herself. It's not only your fault, but hers as well," she corrected him in his guilt.

"And what now?" he asked her helplessly like a teenager who has gotten an F in maths.

"I think we should give it a shot. I mean, now we both know what we're engaging in if we decide to stay together," she suggested hoping he saw it the same way.

"What if this is all wrong? With Ryan being that sick, I can't promise that I'll be capable of living up to your expectations."

"I'm not expecting anything, despite your honesty. We both have teenagers with special needs thus it'll never be easy to reconcile all of their and our needs. The thing is: only if we try, we can work something out which suits everyone, our kids and us," she wanted to pass her enthusiasm and optimism on to him but somehow it occurred to her that there was a reluctance, as if he didn't want things to work out between them, as if he already had lost all hopes.

"I'm speaking honestly to you, Sandy. This can only work out if both of us want this and are willing to try. Right now I'm not sure whether you want this," she admitted to him praying that he was going to correct her.

"What can I say? When you think that we can do it, how can I say 'no'?" he finally relieved her with an answer which took all the strain and pressure from the atmosphere. She was happy, has never been happier in her life. She leant over as he did and then kissed him. This was by far more trust she has ever had in Jimmy and this was by far more of a commitment she has ever gotten into. She knew that building up a relationship under such difficult circumstances wasn't going to be easy, but the fact that both of them knew about it and both of them were willing to get engaged with this commitment, assured her of it being the right thing to do.


	16. Chapter 16

******Sorry for the delay of this chapter. I really appriciate your ideas and suggestions and take them to heart, trying to comply with your wishes as good as possible. But now my evil mini-me had been at work again and realised that it loves toying around with the issues of dysfunctional communication and how 4 people manage of perceive one situation totally differently. **

**Chapter 16:**

Ryan was bored out of his skull. He hated hospitals. He wanted to go back home. Being bored and alone at home was easier to take than being bored and alone in hospital. At least he was allowed to be out of bed, but sitting at a table, brooding of sheets of music, wasn't as much fun as it would have been at home. He sighed. His father hasn't stopped by for several days. Ryan didn't expect anything else, but lately he felt an odd kind of disappointment in his father's absence. It had never hurt, at least not like that. Frustrated about his sudden sensitivity he dropped the pencil on the table and took some deep breathes to steady himself. It didn't help. In a rush of anger he shoved all papers and pencils off the table, causing a mess on the floor.

He had to stop fooling himself. His father would never allow him to apply for the Juliard-Junior Orchestra. His father would never be the parent he desperately needed. And worst of all, he was sick and nobody could tell if he had a chance of getting better. Just that morning the doctor told him that, unfortunately, they haven't removed the primary tumour. They still didn't locate it. This information crashed down on him like a rock fall, but he had to deal with it, alone. He sighed, suppressing the stinging sensation in his eyes. He blinked away what threatened to become tears of hurt and fear. Instead, he knelt down collecting pencils and papers. He looked at the musical score in his hands or rather what was supposed to become one. Arranging music always had been good for taking his mind off his life, but today not even that could help.

He dropped down on the cold hospital floor, leaving the papers where they were. No matter how much he blinked he couldn't prevent the tears from coming. Right now everything was nothing but unfair. His father was somewhere creating himself a new perfect family, while Ryan didn't even know if there was a place for him in that family. He shook his head. He was being an idiot. Of course there wouldn't be any place for him. He wasn't anyone's son. His only real parent died. It was nothing but natural that his father didn't spend any time with him. Ryan wasn't quite his responsibility. He couldn't ask him to stay with him, while knowing that his father had never wanted a real family. He didn't realise that his sobs became louder, mounting in cries of pain. He was crying for relief. He was crying for someone – anyone - to be there for him. He was crying for his mother. He wished for nothing but feeling loved again, but there was nobody left who could love him. That way he sat there crying until the night grew dark outside. He went back to bed exhausted, wishing he could tell his father that he needed him and that it wasn't okay when he wasn't there. But a leopard can't change its spots and that was why Ryan had to tell his father that everything was fine.

**_Meanwhile:_**

After their conversations, Kirsten insisted on a dinner for three: she, her son and Sandy. Sandy dreaded that moment. After Seth's reaction in hospital, he was sure as hell that this wasn't going to be easy. Nevertheless, Kirsten had a point when she said that their relationship not only affected them, but their kids as well. It was a relationship for four. Their kids were fundamental parts of their lives and if they wanted their relationship to become one for a lifetime, they had to include their kids. Though, he wished for Kirsten to first "officially" meet his son. He could have learnt from her. Damn, he was in the dear need of some good advice, but there was none available to him. This realisation made him feel lonely and insecure. How should he approach Seth? He probably perceived each male as predator. How was he supposed to tame an awfully hurt teenager? He wished so hard for his son being at his side, but since Ryan was still in hospital, he couldn't be part of this dinner. The well-known bad conscience popped up in his mind. Somehow he didn't believe his son when he said it was totally unnecessary for his father living in abstinence while he – Ryan – was in hospital. There still was another thing he had to think about: how would their kids react? Well, he was rather concerned about Seth's reaction since Sandy was sure that he had nothing to fear from Ryan's side. He doubted his son was going to cause any problems. Sandy had met Seth one single time and that didn't go quite well. Sandy was convinced that Seth got the hardest part in this game. He had experienced one failing father figure and thus all rights to be distrustful and angry towards him. Sandy was afraid of how Seth's reactions might affect his relationship to Kirsten. He would understand if she put her son first.

Now he stood in front of her apartment and was about to officially meet Seth. The thoughts were still running through his mind and pearls of sweat tickled down his forehead. He gulped down the thick piece of uneasiness which was choking him.

"Seth! You don't even know him yet!" He heard her scream, although he was still facing a closed door. His heart sank. This was a clear message: her son wasn't keen on meeting him.

"I don't care!" He heard her son yell, followed by a slamming door and sticky silence. These weren't the best conditions for a first meeting with her son. Sandy shyly knocked on the door. His heart was racing and his pulse was going hard. He already lost this battle before it begun. If it was for his part, he'd rather run far away from this. He was a father of a teenage boy himself. He shouldn't be scared by puberty's outbursts, but he was.

"Sandy, hey! Great, that you could make it. Come in," Kirsten greeted him when she opened the door. She quickly pecked him on the mouth. He followed her inside. The table was all set for dinner. Her son was nowhere to be seen.

"Seth will join us in a few minutes," she apologised her son's absence.

"Are you sure? It didn't sound as if Seth was keen on a dinner for three," he answered her. There was no need for concealing that he had listened to their quarrel.

"You listened?"

"At least there were a few words I couldn't overhear," he answered.

"I'm sorry. I must have underestimated the situation. It's not easy for Seth and he's reluctant to make it easy for me – us," Kirsten replied with an apologetic look. She seemed at a loss and he felt the desire to envelope her into a strong embrace, giving her strength to endure the challenge they were both facing. But he was afraid. What if her son entered the room and caught them in such a moment? Sandy didn't want to provoke another fight, but he couldn't refrain from stroking tenderly over her arm, causing her goosebumps.

"It's okay. Give him some time to get used to the idea. It's a natural reaction if he doesn't trust the new man in his Mom's life after what you two went through," he replied honestly instead. It wasn't as easy for him as it sounded, but he didn't want her to notice his insecurity. They sat down at the dinner table and she poured them a glass white wine.

"How was your day?" he changed the topic.

"Uh…don't even mention it. I talked to all contractors, as you told me to, but that was like pulling teeth. I have no idea whether they even understood what I was suggesting to them," she started talking about business.

"Well, if you can't solve the problem, I'm still there," he reassured her. Sandy felt as if he was dating Kirsten for the first time and looking at her how she fidgeted with her ring, told him that she felt the same.

"Thanks, but I have to get it done by myself. How's Ryan doing?" she asked him.

"Good, I guess. He's not complaining."

"That's always a good sign," she concluded. He didn't tell her that his son would rather die in agony than complain about anything. He wanted hit himself because of this ironic thought. They went on chatting about this and that for a while until they got disturbed by the doorbell ringing.

"Dinner's ready," Kirsten said and got up to get the boxes filled with food. He followed her to help.

"Sorry, but I'm really not much of a cook," she apologised.

"Don't worry. Dinner at my house doesn't look much different. At least, you have the decency to order something that doesn't look or smell like pizza," he joked about the sad fact that he and his son really haven't been eating anything other than pizza lately.

"I'm glad to hear that. Alright, I just go and get Seth," she said anxiously. He noticed that she was nervous. Without any further incidents, she came back with her son in tow. Seth looked grimly. He obviously didn't want Sandy there.

"Hey Seth," he greeted him, trying to appear unchallenged. He received no response. Seth sat down at the table and kept silent. Kirsten looked at him. Worry was written all over her face, but Seth's worst manner was still about to come. When Sandy wanted to pass a box with food over to him, Seth didn't take it. He didn't even look at him. Sandy sighed and put the box back on the table. He noticed that Kirsten was about to lose patience with her son. He put a soothing hand on her arm. He wanted to calm her down, preventing the thick atmosphere from exploding.

"Seth, would you mind and behave yourself?" Kirsten admonished her son. The tension in the air grew thicker with every passing second, especially after Seth didn't respond to his mother's demand.

"Seth!" she warned her son. Reassuringly he put a hand onto hers, letting her know that he was not worth a quarrel between mother and son.

"What!?" Seth suddenly responded and jumped off his chair, the force of his movement causing it to tip over.

"Seth, please sit down again and behave like a normal human being," Kirsten tried to appease her son.

"I don't even think about it!" Seth screamed and stormed off, slamming the door to his room shut. Kirsten sighed and buried her face in her hands.

"I'm so sorry for this. I should have seen this coming. After Jimmy, Seth grew quite…well…uneasy about other men. I guess, he thinks that everybody is like his father," she admitted to him.

"Don't worry. If you want to, I could try and talk to him. Sometimes it's easier treating a teenager like an adult than like the boy he still is," Sandy suggested. He wanted to make things right between him and Seth. His relationship to Seth was the key to Kirsten's heart. He had to make this work.

"I don't know…I mean apparently Seth doesn't…like you much…yet," Kirsten countered. Sandy got up and kneeled down next to Kirsten, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and tugging her at his side.

"That's true, but maybe I can show him that I'm not that bad," Sandy suggested.

"After I've been unsuccessfully talking to him, this might be worth a try," she eventually gave in and led him to her son's room. Sandy gently knocked on the door before he entered. What he found was a distraught teenager lying on his bed buried under pillows and blankets, shutting out the world. He sat down on the edge of the bed.

"It's a strange situation, isn't it?" Sandy started to get Seth's attention, but all he earned was a grunt of disapproval.

"Finally, your father disappears out of your life and for the first time you can breathe again. The torture is over. Nobody tries to convert you into someone you're not and nobody criticises you for being you. For the first time, you can relax and you start to feel comfortable under your skin. And then suddenly: bang! Your Mom is dating a new guy, someone you don't even know. You can't measure up this man, but probably he'll be the same as your Dad and since you're still no athlete the whole shit will start anew. It's out of your hands. You start to feel itchy again, waiting for the blow out to come. The same old shit again. But you felt so good without this pressure and you don't want to lose your new gained freedom. Thus, you have to bite away every man that enters your life. Being you sucks and you just don't want to hate yourself anymore. So, right I can understand you. My Dad was an asshole himself and after he realised that none of his kids turned out to be worth being proud of, he left. We were all relieved after he was gone, because we could just be. And yes, each time my Mom brought home a new guy, we were afraid that this guy would turn out to be just like Dad. That's why we did everything to get rid of him. At the end, my Mom never dated again and now she's all alone. All her kids are adults and live their own lives and she? She's alone. She's not complaining about it, but I feel a little bad since I know that it's, my fault that she's alone now. I'm sure that your Mom will never punish you for your fears. And that's good. But maybe you might give me a chance to prove to you that I'm not like your Dad. See it that way: Ryan's no athlete either. He always preferred his piano over any kind of sports and I let him. It's his choice. I really don't judge you by your looks or your interests, and I would be happy if we could start to be friends at some point of time. It doesn't have to be immediately. Take your time, as long as you need it. I can wait. Just believe me: I'm not like your father," Sandy stopped his monologue and noticed that Seth had emerged a little from under his pillows.

"I have to think about it," Seth replied, trying to sound stern and serious. At least, he had reached something: Seth had listened to him. He patted Seth' shoulder and then left him.

"That sounded very professional," Kirsten commented when he was out on the hallway again.

"You listened," Sandy stated.

"I did. I had to make sure that you're not threatening my son," she replied jokingly, but still there was some truth swaying with in this statement.

"I would never do a thing like that."

"I know. After this, I can't imagine you being a neglecting father," she told him on their way back to their dinner. Her words forced thoughts about Ryan to the fore of his mind. If she knew…

"It took some time of training, and also I know what Seth is going through," he admitted. He never spoke about his childhood. Even Ryan didn't know about it and he doubted that Laura had listened. She would have understood why he was afraid of having a family otherwise.

"So, it is true? I mean that your father left you and your family?"

"Yeah, he did. After he noticed that beating the hell out of us wouldn't make us what he wanted us to be," he answered and he felt a sting in his heart at this memory. This past should have been a reason for him being a better father, but he wasn't. He wasn't worse, but he wasn't better either. Maybe he had changed a little, but he still did leave his son alone with his sorrows way too often, more often than he should do. This evening's encounters left him thoughtful, a little sad and hurt. It was as if he was playing a character in a theatre play. Kirsten thought of him as the perfect Dad, but he knew better. Kirsten didn't seem to understand, though. No matter what he told her, she never had any doubt that he might hurt her or her son like her former husband had done. This was a dangerous trust and he wished that Kirsten was a little more carefully.


	17. Chapter 17

******Thanks for your feedback =)! **

**Chapter 17:**

After meeting Ryan's father in hospital and finding out that his Mom was dating this man, Seth needed time to digest the news. If his Mom wanted to open her life to a new man, it was her problem. It was her life and he wasn't supposed to intervene. But he wasn't ready for a new man in his life. He didn't need someone playing the father-figure for him. The scars his father's parenting left were deep and sore. He couldn't take another man being disappointed in him. He just didn't want to have to share his life with a man, who was just like his father. He just couldn't do that.

He didn't want to be the imperfect one anymore. He wanted to be the one and only; he wanted to be accepted and loved as the one he was. Deep inside he knew that meeting Ryan's father was the real reason for why he didn't go visit Ryan. When his Mom asked him why he didn't want to go and pay his friend a visit, he lied and told her something about not being ready for facing his friend. He pretended to admit that his Mom has been right about him not being too young to handle this.

His Mom and Ryan's father, in the contrary, spent as much time together as their schedules allowed. Ryan's father often came by their apartment. Seth knew what ulterior reason this man carried in the back of his mind. Unfortunately, his Mom wanted the same. They were so deep in love with each other, it was disgusting. He had to do something. He had to plan an act of sabotage. He had to manipulate this relationship. He just didn't want this man to be his Mom's new guy. He might lose his friend, his first and best friend, though. His survival was more important than a friendship. He had to follow his instincts and they were screaming: get rid of this guy. He would. He was sure of it.

Every night he lay awake in bed thinking about a plan. He didn't want to put any blame on his Mom. He had to plan something which deterred Sandy without revealing Seth's true motives. He was angry about Ryan being in hospital and, on top of it, being Sandy's son. He could use some creative input and someone to discuss his plan with, but he couldn't count on Ryan this time. He was on his own. Each night, in which he lay awake, an evil thought crept up his mind but he pushed it aside. He couldn't pull such an act. Yes, he was ready for making a scene in front of this guy, but not such scene. This evil thought never left him alone, though. It started gnawing on him, on his mind, settling deep down in his brain. But it remained subtle.

Finally, when Seth decided that he couldn't come up with something more efficient, he allowed this evil thought to emerge from the dark corners it had been patiently waiting for him to allow it to thrive in his head. He knew that it would work. It was harsh. It was unfair and for the most: he would hurt someone, someone he shouldn't want to hurt. He had to, because hurting this someone was part of the plan. He didn't notice how far away he was from being himself while indulging in this thought. He had to do this. He wanted to survive. He didn't want another man in his life, not yet. He wanted to be left alone. He didn't want to have to listen to all those: why can't you be more like…; why can't you do this….; why can't you be someone else?

He knew his Mom couldn't make him bear any of what was going to come up to them when her relationship to Ryan's father grew closer. He was too young and after the divorce and all the arguing and fighting he just wasn't capable of putting up with something like that as well. She couldn't put him through this. The decision was made. His heart sank at the realisation of what he was about to do. He already had done everything to freeze this guy off, but somehow this man was deaf and blind or didn't want to notice. This was the last straw he had left to get rid of this guy. Satisfied that he had made a decision, but also afraid of the consequences, he turned around and fell asleep.


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N:**Sorry for this delay, I needed some time to think about all your reviews and creat a new concept which I'd like to introduce to you briefly, so you can tell me what you think about that

So: 1. Ryan will deal with his father's failures in a... bad way, but through this he'll find people standing up for him

2. I want Sandy to realsie what he's actually doing, but I'm not sure whether the grudge between him and Ryan can be fully closed

3. S.o. will tell Kirsten how selfish she is and she'll try to care

4. Seth will learn the consequences of being selfish

5. Lots of drama which might be easier developed in a new story. So I thought about finishing this story and start a new one, weaving in

all your wishes and ideas, because the story developed differently from my former idea and thus start writing from new would be easier for me. But, that's your choice ;)

What do you think?

**Chapter 18:**

Ryan was glad to be home again, but what was getting to his nerves was this dinner for four his father and Mrs. Nichol had arranged for that evening. Jeez, it was his second evening back home and instead of enjoying it in front of the TV he was forced to this constrained happy come together. He sighed. He had to accept the fact that his father was seriously involved in what he called a relationship and thus he had to play the game with him.

"Are you ready?" his father asked and stepped into his room.

"Not really, but would you care?" Ryan replied irritated. He, at least, wanted his father to feel what he thought about his timing regarding this dinner.

"C'mon Ryan, you and Seth are friends. I thought you'd be glad seeing him again," his father said cheerfully and touched a sore spot. His father couldn't know that Seth didn't turn up in hospital for a visit. Not that he had expected him. But he had hoped so. Something really had made him believe that Seth was different from the others. He shook his head. He must have gotten too emotional, Ryan thought.

"You know if I'm not well enough to go back at school, shouldn't I also been not well enough to go out at night?" Ryan tried a last time.

"Ryan, please. Get ready and then let's go," his father replied briskly. Ryan shrugged his shoulders. There was definitely no room for any further discussion left. His father was awfully nervous and afraid he, Ryan, might mess this up. Not that his father said it in actual words, but Ryan knew his father well enough to realise that.

The tension in the car on their way to Mrs. Nichol's apartment grew thicker with every passing second and Ryan tried to figure out what had gone wrong this time.

"You know that Seth didn't stop by at hospital once, do you?" Ryan said, needing to talk about it to his father. Maybe he had some advice or anything else to say making him feel better over his disappointment.

"He didn't…," his father stated, but didn't react as surprised as Ryan expected him to. "Well, don't blame him.…It's difficult, but it has nothing to do with you," his father said.

"How can this have nothing to do with me?" Ryan asked warily.

"Uh…didn't I tell you that we accidentally met in hospital?" Ryan's jaw dropped. Seth had been there, but someone, surly his father, had stopped him from actually visiting. Ryan felt rage boiling in his stomach and he knew if he got any further information, it was impossible to keep it where it was.

"Care to explain?" Ryan asked irritated.

"Uh…Seth wanted to…visit you and …then there was Kirsten and …somehow Seth found out that Kirsten and I …well… you know what, and he didn't take it well," his father finally came up with his secret.

"Great, now you're even destroying the only social contact I had. Congratulations," Ryan snapped. He should have known that Seth would have trouble dealing with a new man in his life. After all he had told him, his father was everything else than a perfect role model of a father.

"Is this another attitude of yours?" his father countered angrily.

"Attitude? I'd consider it as issues which concern you and me equally," Ryan corrected his father. He was sick of his father acting as if everything was fine and perfect.

"Ryan, stop it!"

"Stop what? It didn't even begin and that's the actual problem. You shut down before we can even start talking about what's wrong. How the fuck are we going to solve our problems, if you pretend they don't exist?" Ryan put in words what his father didn't want to know.

"Did you take you medicine?" his father suddenly sought the blame somewhere else than himself – in Ryan's recently missing thyroid.

"If you're trying to blame my hormones you'll fail. So yes, I took my meds."

"I know you hate me but…"

"I'd call it disappointment," Ryan cut off his father midsentence. He had trouble to understand how his father was capable of hiding all their problems like that. He didn't find out during their drive to Mrs. Nichol, since his Dad remained silent for the rest of the drive.

"Hey Ryan," Mrs. Nichol greeted him when they finally arrive, hugging him briefly. Ryan tried not to show that he wasn't comfortable with her physical affection. After his fight with his father he had to make up ground, though. That meant: behave.

"How are you? Do you want to lie down? Do you need anything? Are you comfortable?"

"I'm fine. Everything's okay," he replied supressing his urge to laugh about her nervousness. On the other hand, maybe this was a good example for his father, teaching him how to take proper care. But then again, his father was a lost case.

"Really? I mean…you've just been discharged from hospital," Kirsten rambled on.

"Once again, I'm fine, really," Ryan blocked her

"Alright, but whenever you start to feel uncomfortable or tired or…well, just let me know," Kirsten added.

**_Later that evening:_**

Seth knew that this dinner for four was his ultimate chance for implementing his plans. He felt strange, as if a tight rope was wrapped around his chest squeezing it every now and then. It didn't occur to him that this was the offshoot of a bad conscience. He tried to behave as normal as possible, but he was nervous and the nervousness was increasing with every passing second. The certain moment, the right one, was getting closer and closer.

He listened to the happy banter between his mother and Sandy. Seth felt wary about this man. One should expect him to be more concerned about his son, staying at his bedside day and night, but Sandy had spent night after night with his mother. It was obvious that Sandy was hiding the truth from himself and worst of all, from them.

"Actually, Ryan how are you?" Seth started to get involved in a conversation to start turning his plan into actions.

"Uh… better, thanks," he answered plainly. Seth looked at his Mom who was about to pick up on this topic, looking at Sandy and forcing him to give a more detailed answer.

"Well, the doctors are quite optimistic. The chemo and surgery have been effective," Sandy explained. Seth secretly watched Ryan's reaction, which was none.

"That sounds good. That means that you'll soon be back on your feet," his Mom added.

"We'll see," was all Ryan had to say about this topic.

This topic got Seth into rage, real rage. For him this was nothing but a lie. They all pretended that Ryan was going to be alright again, but this was far from being certain. Ryan would go back to school, yes. But he would still be sick, just nobody would pay attention to this very fact and act as if everything was good again, as if he had won the battle.

"Does anyone of you know what you're actually talking about? Ryan isn't cured. He can relapse any second. He's sick and it'll never change!" he screamed implementing his evil thought. This outburst carried more true feelings than he wanted to admit. Fears, anger, sadness, and insecurity, all at once included in one evil thought. The evil thought converted into truth revealing how he really felt about the new situation.

"Seth!" his Mom admonished him casting angry glances over to him. Sandy instead remained mute. He didn't take any notice of Ryan, because he was just a collateral damage to his plan.

"What? I'm the one speaking out what everyone at this table should know," he started his tantrum.

"Seth, what's wrong with you?" his Mom asked with a hysterically shaking voice.

"What's wrong with me? What's wrong with you? You're dragging this man into our lives without wasting the slightest thought about what it might do to me!" he yelled getting rushed into ecstasy.

"What do you mean with that?" the clam voice from Sandy caught his attention. There was something in his eyes which made it hard to resist the urge to stop his tantrum, but he couldn't do so. It would have all been for nothing if he gave in just like that. He had to keep it going.

"What I mean? Isn't it obvious? I mean all this crap! I don't need a new father figure in my life, especially not one who has a dying kid in his package. I've had enough shit in my life. I don't need to watch Ryan die and I don't need to get my life ruined because of it. I need a break!" he screamed so hard that his throat started to burn. His soul was burning and his chest felt like bursting. He had to let it all out.

"Excuse me," a soft voice said and suddenly everybody looked at Ryan, who was about to leave the scene.

"Where are you going?" Sandy asked.

"Home," Ryan stated matter-of-factly.

"Ryan, wait…we'll solve this," Sandy tried to hold back Ryan, but he wouldn't stay.

"Ryan, I'm sorry. This is just a misunderstanding," Seth's Mom tried to sooth the waters Seth had churned up.

"I think that Seth made his point quite clear," Ryan replied and made his way to the door. Sandy remained in their dining-room, as if he was frozen. The sound of a slamming door dragged them all out of their trance.

"Sandy, go after him," his Mom said in a strained voice, which predicted him that he wouldn't get away with this easily.

"But…this…we need to talk this through," Sandy insisted to stay with them.

"You're Ryan's Dad in first place and he needs you now. I'll talk to Seth," his Mom spoke he last words with such a determination that Seth already felt bad about what he had just done.

"You're right. I'll…call you, if that's okay,"

"Do that, but now take care of Ryan," she said, pecking his mouth before Sandy rushed off after Ryan. Then his Mom turned her attention to him. He gulped at the fury displayed in her face. This evening was going to end in a disaster. He should've thought more wisely. He didn't want Sandy in his life, but losing Ryan as friend hurt more than he had thought.

**_Later that evening:_**

Sandy found his son sitting on his bed absorbed in a book. Ryan had been too fast to catch up with.

"Hey kid," Sandy said to make his son aware of his presence. Ryan didn't look up from his book. He sighed. This evening was a disaster. How was he supposed to repair the damage done? He sat down on the edge of the bed. He had to do something.

"Ryan, I'm sorry about what happened this evening. I…it took me by surprise as it did you," he started. He was lame in making things right again, he knew that.

"Why are you here?" his son asked still focused on the book in his hands.

"What?" Sandy was taken aback by this question.

"Well, usually you give a shit about me, but now your relationship is on rocks and you start to care?" His son sounded ice cold and bitter. That got Sandy scared. His son never complained, always took things as they were and made the best of it.

"I do care, Ryan," Sandy tried to defend himself.

"You do? So, leaving me alone when I need you is your way of caring? Taking away which means the most to me is your way of caring?"

"Ryan I'm sorry I didn't come by the hospital any more often, but I have a job and I thought you were old enough to get along on your own for a few days," Sandy countered.

"Great. You're having plenty of time for a new family, but not even a spare minute to at least give me a call."

"Ryan, that's unfair. I…didn't plan on falling in love and… you're not thinking rationally anymore. Anyways, you said I should start dating someone again," Sandy reminded his son that it was his idea that his father stopped being a widow.

"Yeah, right. My fault. Know what? I leave your life to you and you leave mine to me," at least the remains of what he called his life, Ryan thought.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Since you give a shit about me, you also should give a shit about my future and stop caring whether I'm becoming just like Mom wasting my bright future over music," Ryan bit back. Sandy was tired of his topic. His son was bothering him since months with his plans applying for the junior orchestra from the Julliard. He knew that this was important for his son, but his mother had lost her heart and life with that school and he was afraid his son suffering the same fate.

"Ryan, I thought this discussion was over," his Sandy sighed.

"For you, it was over. I never said that it was over for me," Ryan replied.

"Ryan! Can you please stop this tantrum?! This evening had been bad enough and I don't need another fight. This is the last time I'll tell you this: I won't let you ruin your future over a hobby," Sandy tried to stop his son.

**_Ryan's POV_**

"Mom would have let me go," he couldn't tell why he said that, probably because it was true. She had always supported him whilst for his Dad the piano was nothing more than a hobby.

"But your Mom isn't here to decide this," Sandy replied and the ice cold steely voice scared Ryan and hurt him. How could his father say something like that? As if Ryan didn't know that his Mom wasn't there anymore. He felt it each day. There was no second of the day in which he wasn't missing her.

"And you do all in your power to erase her from your and my life. Every single day you take her away from me just a little more and you don't care whether it hurts me," Ryan felt at the verge of tears again. He couldn't stand being in the same room with his father anymore.

"I'm trying to protect you!"

"No, you're punishing me for Mom's mistake and that's unfair. It's not my fault that Mom fucked around and then became pregnant," Ryan reminded his father.

"Ryan, stop it," his father verbally lashed out at him.

"No, not until you haven't given me a proper explanation for why you're doing all of this! Why are you never there? Why do you prohibit everything which means something to me? Why did you just sit and watch while Seth said all those things about me? Why didn't you do something?" he screamed his father.

"I don't know what your problem is, sorry," his father said before he left him alone. This was how their fights ended. Instead of talking it through finding a solution, his father ran away.

Ryan threw the book into the corner of his room. Since when had his life gotten that complicated? What had he done to deserve this? Why wasn't he allowed to make a decision by himself? Why had his life to be determined by everything and everyone else instead? He hated the feeling when things started to slip out of his hands and his life wasn't slipping out of his hands anymore. It was already taken away from him. He covered his head with a pillow muffling the thoughts in his head. He had to get rid of them if he didn't want to go nuts. And then the way his father mentioned his Mom. It felt as if his father thought of Ryan's Mom as his worst enemy, as if he was indifferent to her sudden death. Alright, they had been fighting all the time and, that was Ryan sure about, they would have gotten a divorce eventually. Suddenly, Ryan wished for his Mom to be there. She would have defended him against Seth's onslaught. She would have understood him. She would have supported him and more important: she would now be there for him, telling him that he wasn't a dying kid and that he could form his future just the way he wanted it to be. She would now sit at his side, telling him he was healthy again. Ryan felt how his life collapsed onto him launching him onto the solid ground of reality and he had nothing left to do but start crying. He really missed his Mom. He missed the conversations they had. She talked to him and she was always trying to find a solution – some sort of compromise. He missed his Mom. He really did. He missed their routine of playing the piano together. He missed her advice and her light way of living. He missed her happiness and her ease. She always tried to make the best of things and she knew how to sooth him. He missed her.


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N: **Thanks for all those reviews and your ideas. And thanks to for the idea of writing some flashbacks concerning Ryan's Mom and Ryan. I'll try realising it.

**Chapter 19:**

Seth had won, but he didn't feel as great as he imagined to. Several weeks have passed since that night and Ryan's father hasn't come by their apartment again and his Mom has stopped going out with him. She told him that she was sorry not to have considered the effects the relationship might have on him. She told him that there was nothing he had to be afraid of when it came to her relationship with Ryan's father. She told him that she wouldn't let him fall behind, no matter what. This point wasn't convincing at all. Where there's a seriously sick person involved, you can be sure that everyone's attention is paid on that specific person, especially if nobody can tell how long this person will remain in the world of the living. He should spill the beans and tell his Mom the truth: that he did it all only because he didn't want to live in the shadows of someone's – Sandy's – role model of a perfect son. But wrapping this into words, coming clean about his true intentions, wasn't easy. In his imagination it was, he'd just go to his Mom, tell her how sorry he was and, at the end, she would forgive him. In reality it wouldn't be like this. Things never went how he imagined them. Anyways, he wasn't prepared for meeting Ryan at school again, but since they still shared the same schedule it was inevitable at some point.

**_Two months later at school_**

Ryan hated his life. Since the day of his discharge from hospital, he and his Dad were constantly fighting and school was boring shit after Seth broke up their friendship. No matter how childish it seemed to be, he was disappointed. On the other hand, he was way too busy as if he could keep up a friendship anyways. He didn't need someone at his side twenty-four-seven. He was used to be alone. He had more important things to concentrate on than on this never-been-one-friendship. Throwing himself into a pile of work was his way of dealing with his life and its failures. This was his way to go.

"Hey Ryan, do you have a minute?" That much for not talking to Seth, Ryan thought to himself. He turned around to face his former friend.

"Yep?" he reacted curtly. He wanted to get over with this as fast as possible.

"Uh…are you going to have lunch later?" Seth asked him.

"Yeah," he was being rude, but Seth deserved it.

"Uhm…would you mind if I'd join you?"

"Are you sure that this is what you wanna do? I mean, aren't you afraid of ruining your image being seen with me?" he snapped.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Seth sounded irritated and hurt.

"It means exactly what I've said," he answered and then went off. He hoped he wouldn't meet Seth again that day. He just didn't want to talk to this guy anymore. Seth had used him, utilised him, as an excuse to cause a nearly break up between his Dad and Seth's Mom. This was nothing he could condone easily. He knew that his condition was severe, but he was glad that Seth's Mom didn't get deterred by it and still dated his Dad. Not speaking of Ryan's hurt feelings when his Dad was too wound up in his new relationship for being seriously concerned about Ryan's life.

At lunch it felt curious to sit alone again. Well, what did 'alone' mean. There were some girls from his music course talking about this and that, but they were rather talking to each other than to him. He had become an outcast again. Sure, somehow it was his fault too. He could just go to Seth and say: never mind, let's forget it. From there, things would be as they've been before Seth's outburst. Still, something was keeping him from doing so. Maybe it was better that way. Maybe Seth was right. The lesser people cared about him, the lesser would get hurt the day he would leave the world of the living for good. When he was leaving the school building he noticed Seth running after him.

"Hey Ryan, wait!" Seth called, but he didn't react – didn't want to. He walked towards the subway.

"Ryan, man! Wait! I need to talk to you!" Seth called again and caught up with him when he reached the stairs down to the subway.

"Damn it Ryan, what did I do to deserve this?" Seth asked him. He answered him with a glare. Seth was an idiot if he needed an answer to this question.

"Alright…I got it. I messed it up. I know. But hell, we all make mistakes. You for example, didn't even tell me about…you know what," Seth started an attempt to save his face. How could this guy dare to compare two entire different situations with each other?

"I had my reasons and tell you what? You know why," he replied and got into the subway getting a seat.

"Okay, this comparison is limping a little, but I talked to you. I apologise to you, and you're still angry. What do I have to do to make you trust me again?" Seth started begging. Ryan hated begging people. That way they were giving away their dignity and Seth shouldn't feel obliged to offer it to him.

"Just stop it," he answered and got up to get away from Seth.

"C'mon, Ryan. Can't you find an end to this?" Seth jumped up and followed him.

"No Seth, I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because you behaved exactly like the rest of them, although you, for all, should know how it feels not being one of them," he replied and was glad when he arrived at his station. He went off without another word to Seth. There was nothing left to be said. When he entered the apartment, he went straight to his room, slammed the door shut and threw himself onto his bed. Why couldn't his life be any normal? He could use some ordinary daily routine, just for a change. He turned onto his back and stared at the ceiling. He was annoyed about his thoughts and groaned. He got up and started to practice a new piece of music. This would distract him from all the shit on his mind.

**_The next day_**

The next day, Seth waited for Ryan. He had to apologise properly to show him that he meant it. As soon as he saw Ryan entering campus he joined him.

"Ryan, I'm sorry," he started to apologize. It came from heart and he meant it. He had known that this would be the hardest part of his plan. He had known what he was risking, but he hadn't been listening to his conscience.

"What for? For being honest?" Ryan didn't snap at him. His voice was cold and steely though.

"Ryan, I didn't mean what I said."

"Why did you say it then?"

"'cause…." Why did he say these words? He had the answer. He knew it very well. He was too embarrassed to say it aloud.

"'cause my Dad was an unimaginable horror and I don't need to have my past reloaded," he eventually spat out. Ryan looked at him frowning. Ryan didn't look as if he understood what he had said. He looked…..irritated.

"C'mon, Ryan. You know what I'm talking about. Don't tell me that you want a new mother-figure in your life," he tried to coax Ryan out of the indifference of his neutral state.

"Seth, this isn't about me anymore," Ryan finally answered in a calm voice looking into his eyes. Seth shrugged his shoulders demanding an explanation to this sentence.

"Look, I don't want my father to be alone for the rest of his life. I'm going to die anyway. I don't know when, but someday I will. We might not have the best relationship, but somehow I'm responsible for the fucked up life he's stuck in. So, I don't care whom he's dating as long as this person is making him happy." Listening to this, Seth felt like waking up from a deep slumber. He realised how selfish he's been. He should have considered his Mom's feelings and needs as well. She had been devastated after the divorce and never seemed to be happy. Since she met Sandy she was his mother again. She was energetic and enthusiastic and in fact, he benefited from that. This wasn't all about him. This also was his mother's life too and he realised that he might have ruined something she deserved. He sighed scratching his neck.

"Alright, this is a whole new point of view," he answered. Ryan only shrugged his shoulders and then went off leaving him standing in the middle of the campus surrounded by new thoughts. He didn't mean to destroy good things for his Mom. He was just afraid, afraid that he would end up as the shadow kid again whose existence was being denied by the father figure.

Back home his mood had reached a low point. He went straight to his room. He needed to conduct some heavy brooding. A knock at his door pulled him out of his brooding mode. His Mom entered his room.

"Hey Seth! How was your day?" she asked him.

"Bad. Ryan's seriously pissed at me and I doubt that he'll ever say a word to me again," he started wailing his suffering.

"Well, after what you did, I don't blame him. At least, you've been telling him that you could deal with it and then you did the entire opposite. For Ryan this must feel like betrayal," his Mom pointed out what he didn't want to hear at all. He didn't want to be a liar.

"But I didn't lie! I can deal with it and this is totally no reason for me turning my back on him," he said, his mouth being faster than his mind. Now, he had to explain himself. Now, there was no way he could deny the whole extent of the truth. He watched his mother casting a curious glance at him. She had listened carefully.

"What you said sounded a little different, don't you think?" she replied.

"It did? I didn't notice," he snapped and hid his head under a pillow.

"Seth, I'm well aware that you did all of this only scare Sandy off, so please be honest," his Mom summoned him. "Maybe you need to explain to Ryan why you did what you did," she suggested.

"I did, but he didn't want to hear any of it. I think I've just scared off my first and last best friend too."

"Then you need to show him that you didn't mean it and that you want to be his friend. Make the first step. You've hurt him and he doesn't trust you. You need to win his trust as a friend back."

"It's alright for you to talk. You didn't mess it up, but I did. I have to get this straight again, but have no clue how to do it."

"You have to approach Ryan from new. Show him that you're still his friend. Trust me, someday from now he'll trust you again."

"It's a little bit difficult to be someone's friend who doesn't want to be friends with you. How do you approach someone who's rejecting you?"

"That's called hard work, son. Keeping up a friendship is hard work," his Mom answered. It wasn't the answer he had in mind. He wanted a recipe, a master plan. He needed something he could work with, an advice or something. But this answer didn't help at all.


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N: **

Thanks for all your reviews. My easter treat for you: the last two chapters of this story + the first one of the sequel. I hope you like it. Your suggestions, thoughts and ideas are always welcome!

**Chapter 20:**

This was his last day at this school in New York and thus his last chance to sort things out between him and Ryan. He couldn't tell why he still cared since he probably would see Ryan never again, but his inner motor was driving him. Seth deliberately picked the seat next to Ryan. He already expected some lousy comment, but Ryan remained mute instead. He didn't even look up from his book when he took the seat next to him.

"Hey, haven't seen you for quite a while," Seth tried to sound as casual as possible. Somehow, Ryan had managed to avoid him the last few weeks. Still, Seth didn't want to sound as if he took it him amiss.

"I know," Ryan replied indifferently.

"Okay Ryan, how long do you think you want to play this game on?" Seth didn't hide his annoyance. He wasn't as much annoyed by Ryan's behaviour as he was about himself and how he was failing again and again.

"Seth, I'm not playing a game or anything like that. I'm just not in the mood for talking," Ryan answered him sounding badly irritated, while he turned the pages of his book.

"Then, why don't you accept my apology and act normal around me," Seth nearly shouted out of frustration. Ryan sighed and put the book aside. At least one small success: Ryan was paying him attention.

"Seth, I really don't get your point. I am acting normal around you or did you notice I behave differently towards anyone else?" Ryan bit back. This time it was Ryan who had a point. Ryan was treating him exactly the same way he treated the others: with wary suspicion. But that was unfair!

"Damn it Ryan, this is unfair!"

"Seth! It's enough, please do me a favour and go and sit somewhere else. I can't take this anymore," Ryan bitched. Seth was angry enough that he would have done so if there had only been a free seat, but they were all taken. Seth had to remain where he was.

"All seats are already taken," Seth snarled.

"Great. Then please shut up," Ryan replied in the same bitter tone. Seth didn't understand what had gotten into them – what had gotten into him that he was talking to Ryan like a six years old.

"Mr. Cohen, Mr. Nichol! Would you please show some decency and turn your attention to my lesson?" the teacher reproached them.

Seth received a glare from Ryan. The atmosphere between them was awfully tense. Seth himself was awfully angry. He didn't understand Ryan's behaviour. He only wanted to clarify the situation and make things he had done wrong good again. It was frustrating to witness how Ryan quashed every of his attempts. Their little fight didn't stop after they've shut up. It was like in primary school. While Ryan was taking notes on his writing pad, Seth nudged him with his elbow so that Ryan's writing hand slid over the whole page.

"What the fuck…?" Ryan hissed and took revenge by shoving Seth's writing pad off the table.

"Mr. Nichol, Mr. Cohen. It's enough. We're not in kindergarten. So please, stop whatever you're doing. Now!" The teacher wasn't amused by their behaviour. Seth was neither, but somehow he was having success with it. Ryan had stopped ignoring him and responded to his stupidity with the same degree of stupidity. After this, they both remained.

"What the fuck were you thinking?" Ryan nearly screamed at him when they left for their next classes.

"I wanted to make you react honestly. You never do so. You're always avoiding everything which might demand an honest answer from you and I'm fed up with it," Seth told him barely thinking about the meaning of the words he strung together.

"Hmm, strange that I feel the same about you," Ryan retorted.

"I know that I lied, but I lied to your Dad and my Mom. I didn't lie to you!" Seth made his point clear.

"Sounded different to me and now I'd appreciate it if you left me alone," Ryan snapped.

"No worries, you won't see me again," Seth made the final cut.

_**Later that day**_

Ryan was exhausted when he came home from orchestra rehearsal. He was surprised to find his Dad already being home.

"Where have you been?" his father asked, his voice strained. Ryan sensed that there was another fight coming up, but he didn't know what he had done wrong this time.

"Rehearsal," Ryan answered anxiously. His Dad knew about it, so this couldn't be the reason for another fight.

"That long?"

"We…practiced for the competition. But I…"

"What about homework?" Ryan had lost track of reasons. If his father wanted to fight he found a reason, not matter how irrational they seemed to be. But where his father wanted to go with all these questions this time, was to be seen.

"I'll do them now," Ryan felt how anger rose in the pit of his stomach. He hated being the reason for his father anger, especially when he hadn't done anything to cause it.

"And what about dinner?" Now Ryan had enough of this inquisition.

"Know what, why don't you go to Kirsten if my timing doesn't suit you?"

"No worries, I won't go there anymore. You've got what you wanted," his father snapped at him. Ryan was taken aback and he didn't understand his part in this sudden development.

"Pardon?" he asked confused.

"She and Seth will go back to California. Kirsten's father decided to wind up the company she's been working for," his father explained. Now Seth words from earlier that day made sense.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Ryan replied, feeling genuinely sorry for his father. He didn't mean his relationship to Kirsten break up just like that.

"Are you?"

"What are you implying?" Ryan didn't understand what his father said. He had done everything in his power to stay out of his father's and Kirsten's way.

"That you don't have to worry about this relationship anymore," his father bit and then went pass him into his office, leaving Ryan stunned and confused. It took Ryan some time to regain his composure. He followed his father into his office.

"You know it was actually Seth who tried sabotaging your relationship, not me!" Ryan screamed after he realised that his father was again about to vent his anger on him.

"But you weren't very supporting either," his father was ice cold and that frightened Ryan. But for the most, it hurt.

"My only mistake in this story is being sick and still alive, but I promise you here and now: I won't do it again!" Ryan screamed.

"I won't stop you."

With that Ryan was once again left alone with his life, his sorrows and fears. Once again, Ryan was left on his own. Ryan didn't know how he was supposed to deal with all of this alone, but at some point it would work. It always worked, he had always worked. Ryan knew better than to expect any kind help and thus, in that night, he cut the bond between him and his father and abandoned the illusion of a family life.


	21. Chapter 21

**A/N**

Hey! First of all I need to apologise for the mess I produced with "Somewhen, somewhere in Newport Beach" and that it took me soooo long do get what you were trying to tell me. I hope you can forgive me for that. I just lost my focus on the original plan: focusing on the family-issues in first place. Maybe you find it easier to forgive me if I swear that I'm not too stupid to write, but just had too many things on my mind blocking my creativity. So, as amends I offer you to rewrite the whole story "Somewhen, somwhere in Newport Beach", hoping for a second chance, but understanding if you've already lost pateince.

**Epilogue:**

When Ryan awoke, he still felt exhausted. The last night had been short, too short for his liking. Jeez, it was his first day of summer vacations and here he was: getting up at six in the morning only for his father being able to spend some time with the love of his life. Nearly seven months have passed since Mrs. Nichol and Seth went back to California, which broke his father's heart. And as sorry as Ryan had felt for his Dad, he could have done without all the fighting and outbursts. Since their huge fight the day his father heard about Mrs. Nichol's leaving plans, his father had started several attempts of apology. Some of them actually weren't too lousy, but still, Ryan needed some time to get over what happened. Vacations with his Dad, Ryan inwardly laughed at the irony of this. His father has never had time for vacations when his Mom was still around. He never joined them on their vacation trips but here he was: the mighty Sandy Cohen dragging his son through the whole country only to be able to…whatever he planned on doing with Mrs. Nichol. Ryan really didn't want to imagine any of it. He met his father on his way to the bathroom.

"Didn't expect you being up. Got late yesterday?" His father asked.

"Uh yeah, sorry," Ryan replied. He developed the bad habit of apologising in advance for anything which might annoy his father, even though his father had gotten his temper under control. In fact, they didn't have a fight within two months. Maybe things were getting upwards again. At least, there were enough reasons for them to enjoy a time out from all the drama.

"And which place did you come?" his father asked as innocently as possible, but his voice revealed his indifference. Sometimes Ryan thought that his father hated him for being into music just like his Mom had been, but then again he had no explanation to why.

"If you'd been there, you'd know," Ryan snapped. He really tried everything to convince his Dad from coming, just this one time. It had been Ryan's debut as the man behind the curtains. Instead of playing with the orchestra, this time he arranged and composed a piece of music. It had meant a lot to Ryan. He really whished his father would have been there, but since his father never showed any interest in music, it was no surprise that he had better things to do than to be there.

"Ryan, I'm sorry. I told you I had too much work left to be done and also, one of us needed to prepare the trip for today.

"Sure," Ryan mumbled and made his way to the bathroom.

"So which place?"

"First," Ryan sighed knowing that his father was incapable of grasping the meaning it had for Ryan. He would never understand. Music probably would always be a sore point for them, because Ryan couldn't understand his father's disapproval and his father wouldn't stop trying to convince him from stopping.

"So they must've been good then, I mean the orchestra." Whatever his father intended express it hurt. He'd been working his ass off for weeks to get their song arranged. He hadn't done anything but drafting and scraping for weeks and what for? His father couldn't get himself to acknowledge Ryan's hard work.

"Yeah, they," Ryan snarled and closed the bathroom door. He shouldn't be so disappointed in his Dad. He'd been displaying his disapproval during the whole time Ryan was working for the contest. Every day he alleged him for neglecting school and as if to prove the truth of his father's accusation he received a C- in chemistry this year and maths wasn't brilliant either, but somehow his father didn't understand the link between missing lots of days in school because of being sick and bad grades. He let the hot water of the shower run down his body washing off his anger. He reminded himself to hurry. When he stepped out he saw the reflection of the mirror showing some ugly bruises covering his back down his spine. He sighed. He still was being far from healthy. Ryan knew he should be glad that he was through with chemo and radiation, but he wasn't very optimistic when his doctors told him that this time he had good chances. They've been saying that for years and it always came back and every time it took something of him away with it. Ryan simply felt drained. He took a deep breathe. No matter what this was, he had to get over it. He was going to be healthy again, he said to himself, but not believing it a second. He got dressed and left the bathroom again.

"Hey, what's that on your arm?" his father asked suspiciously. The last two weeks his father had been close to call an ambulance whenever Ryan sneezed or yawned.

"Nothing…I just fell," Ryan admitted, leaving out the fall included a few stairs of the school building. He also omitted that the only reason that his father didn't know about the incident at school was that because he was nothing but a shadow wandering through school nobody paid attention to. Well, not really different from the situation at home.

"Ryan, if something's wrong, tell me now!" His father insisted with stern voice.

"You sent me to an unnecessary follow-up just a few days ago and the doc said everything was fine," Ryan defended. He hated being on the watch.

"No, you're not fine. Cancer free yes, but not fine." Ryan was baffled. What was that? A serious case of worry and concern? Where did this come from?

"Just to remind you: low blood pressure, too thin, probably sleep deprived. Is this enough or shall I go and hand you the report. They only cleared you for the trip because it might help your recovery and I sure as hell will make sure that it does," his father threatened.

"Okay," Ryan replied, holding up his hands in defeat and rolling his eyes. His father tilted his head in disapproval.

"I want this to work out and I'll do everything in my power that it does. We can't use another crisis. Not now." His Dad was getting to his nerves with his speech. Mrs. Nichol here, Mrs. Nichol there. Everything had to be perfect just for her. Seth needed to accept him if they wanted their relationship to work. Ryan was going to be sick of it. And anyway, what was the talking about relationship and family about? As if they were about to move in and become one big happy family.

"Yeah, know what? Since I can't give you a guarantee for my health, why don't you place me at Nana's as you did the last couple of times you visited Mrs. Nichol? Then I won't ruin your vacations."

"The Nana no, but your doctor suggested something about a convalescent hospital, your choice," his father countered.

"Rehab? Forget it, but know what? If that suits your plans better than dragging me with you, feel free to ship be off."

"Ryan, stop it," his father said shaking his head. "We've been talking about this and…"

"You've been talking about this and you've been the one getting to make the decision. I'm just an innocent bystander," Ryan cut his father off. If he has had a choice, he would've decided for spending his vacations alone rather than going to Newport.

"C'mon Ryan, it'll be fun. See, you'll meet Seth again," his father tried to lighten the atmosphere. Was he really that clueless to not know that Ryan and Seth hadn't been talking or writing each other since he left together with his Mom?

"Uhm…I don't want to disappoint you, but Seth and I aren't really friends. I'm quite sure he'd be glad if I stayed here," Ryan tried once again.

"No. This time you'll join me and you will have fun."


End file.
